It’s probably useful to think of relationships as feedback loops. From that point of view it’s not particularly important whether you started with behaviours or feelings—what’s important is whether that feedback loop got going.
How is it exactly that the behaviors produce the feelings? Is it “just” that flattery and attention make people feel good, which leads to “in love” feelings? What is it about dating that engenders romance? This is what seems foreign to me, but then again,
Keep in mind that the notion of romantic love is fairly recent (goes back to Middle Age troubadours, I think) and the idea that romantic love is the proper basis for marriage in common people is very recent (XIX century would be my off-the-top-of-my-head guess). People married without “feelings” for many centuries and guess what, it mostly worked.
Is that really accurate? A number of the stories in Ovid’s Amores and Metamorphoses which sound pretty close to what we’d call “romantic love” and that’s from around 20 BCE and there’s no indication that anything there is shocking or surprising to roman notions of love.
I would guess that in the past “romantic love” was a luxury that only wealthy people could afford (e.g. citizens of the Ancient Rome) and often happened outside of marriage; most people married for economical reasons.
In other words “you can love someone” is old, but “you should marry the person you love” is new.
Spending more time together means you (a) can notice more interesting things about the other person, and (b) have more common experience. Both of those can contribute to love.
There are things that you only notice after long interaction, for example how reliable the other person is, or how they behave in exceptional situations. (On the other hand, there is also a chance you will notice negative traits.) Having things in common increases the feeling of closeness.
Yes. I understand that. But it is just as true for my friends, of whom I am very selective, and with whom I grow very close. I have only occasionally developed quasi-romantic feelings for (feelings that, given what I’m reading here, seem close enough to qualify as “in love with”) a friend. Why is that?
(Admittedly, both the people I’ve “fallen for” have been 1) of my preferred sex and 2) particularly awesome.)
People keep reminding me that it’s not a dice role, it’s a process, yet from my perspective it seem pretty random. I’ve never tried to “fall in love” and it’s a trope [fictionalized?] that you can’t control it. That’s why it’s described by FALLING. It seems a lot like a dice role!
But, maybe I’m not giving enough credence to individuals’ responsiveness to stimuli. Reviewing what I know about dating, it seem well designed for building a Pavlovian association between feelings of intimacy, attraction and pressure and the other person (for instance, candle light is romantic because low light conditions make the pupils dilate, just as they do when one is aroused. I wonder if seeing a movie is a popular date because it simulates highly emotional experience, that both people can undergo together, without the difficulties that accompany them such high emotions in life).
This is funny to me, because I have thought that dating, as it is usually practiced, is not a particularity good way to get to know someone well, but as is often the case, it’s not that it doesn’t work, it’s that it does something different than is advertized.
It’s probably useful to think of relationships as feedback loops. From that point of view it’s not particularly important whether you started with behaviours or feelings—what’s important is whether that feedback loop got going.
How is it exactly that the behaviors produce the feelings? Is it “just” that flattery and attention make people feel good, which leads to “in love” feelings? What is it about dating that engenders romance? This is what seems foreign to me, but then again,
Keep in mind that the notion of romantic love is fairly recent (goes back to Middle Age troubadours, I think) and the idea that romantic love is the proper basis for marriage in common people is very recent (XIX century would be my off-the-top-of-my-head guess). People married without “feelings” for many centuries and guess what, it mostly worked.
Humans are adaptable.
I though people had noticed romantic love well before the troubadours, it’s just that people used to think romantic love was madness.
Is that really accurate? A number of the stories in Ovid’s Amores and Metamorphoses which sound pretty close to what we’d call “romantic love” and that’s from around 20 BCE and there’s no indication that anything there is shocking or surprising to roman notions of love.
I would guess that in the past “romantic love” was a luxury that only wealthy people could afford (e.g. citizens of the Ancient Rome) and often happened outside of marriage; most people married for economical reasons.
In other words “you can love someone” is old, but “you should marry the person you love” is new.
Spending more time together means you (a) can notice more interesting things about the other person, and (b) have more common experience. Both of those can contribute to love.
There are things that you only notice after long interaction, for example how reliable the other person is, or how they behave in exceptional situations. (On the other hand, there is also a chance you will notice negative traits.) Having things in common increases the feeling of closeness.
Yes. I understand that. But it is just as true for my friends, of whom I am very selective, and with whom I grow very close. I have only occasionally developed quasi-romantic feelings for (feelings that, given what I’m reading here, seem close enough to qualify as “in love with”) a friend. Why is that?
(Admittedly, both the people I’ve “fallen for” have been 1) of my preferred sex and 2) particularly awesome.)
People keep reminding me that it’s not a dice role, it’s a process, yet from my perspective it seem pretty random. I’ve never tried to “fall in love” and it’s a trope [fictionalized?] that you can’t control it. That’s why it’s described by FALLING. It seems a lot like a dice role!
But, maybe I’m not giving enough credence to individuals’ responsiveness to stimuli. Reviewing what I know about dating, it seem well designed for building a Pavlovian association between feelings of intimacy, attraction and pressure and the other person (for instance, candle light is romantic because low light conditions make the pupils dilate, just as they do when one is aroused. I wonder if seeing a movie is a popular date because it simulates highly emotional experience, that both people can undergo together, without the difficulties that accompany them such high emotions in life).
This is funny to me, because I have thought that dating, as it is usually practiced, is not a particularity good way to get to know someone well, but as is often the case, it’s not that it doesn’t work, it’s that it does something different than is advertized.
I would guess that low light also creates a small level of instinctive fear, which creates a desire to be together with someone (for protection).
Human brains appear to be wired that way.