Putting myself in the shoes of a less reasonable person, I imagine that the urge to follow one’s own desires constantly overtakes any reasoning which others give. This doesn’t feel unreasonable from the inside, because the apologist constantly provides good justifications for actions, and it’s hard to second-guess those justifications because it feels like giving up or losing.
I would suggest practicing noticing when you are ignoring what other people say, and using this as a trigger to consider how you can satisfy them. I would also suggest noticing when your brain is spitting out motivated justifications, and in that case, considering from scratch whether the action is getting you what you want (including satisfying others who you want to satisfy).
From my outside view, unreasonable people appear not to be exercising goal-oriented, strategic thinking. I see them as making the same mistake over and over: being inconsiderate of others when it would serve them well to be more considerate. Social interactions are very important, so I tend to try hard to show interest in other people, show concern for their concerns, and so on. (I’m not saying I’m great at it, but it’s constantly on my mind.) I perceive less reasonable people as ignoring this.
It’s unusual to feel less reasonable than needed, though; mostly everyone sees themselves as one of the most reasonable people they know (irrelevant of whether they should be working on being more reasonable, or less reasonable). This may make our reflection inaccurate, if we are trying to explicitly decide whether we should be more reasonable rather than leaving it up to our system 1 to choose. Also, it seems almost impossible to convince another person to be more reasonable. They (quite rightly, perhaps) will perceive this as a status attack, or simply mistaken.
Okay, thanks! For me, a lot of this advice makes me think I’m too impatient when others disagree with me. I’ll work on it. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.
Another stopgap measure which has helped me is to, when I finish a statement (maybe finish writing an email, or finish making a point in conversation) consider whether I’ve been unreasonable. An immediate correction can follow in person, or for an email, a new revision.
Will the person receive what I’ve said well?
Did I think about how they might react and shape my statement to make them react well, or did I just say things I wanted to say without consideration?
Has my point been made in good faith, or am I searching for justifications?
What do I really believe about what I just said?
(Some of that has more to do with being rational than reasonable, but the two aren’t completely different, after all.)
This kind of afterthought-based correction eventually trickles into the first-thought reasoning to some extent, because it alters the incentive structure (you learn not to say things that you’ll just end up correcting). So, it may be more useful than it sounds.
Putting myself in the shoes of a less reasonable person, I imagine that the urge to follow one’s own desires constantly overtakes any reasoning which others give. This doesn’t feel unreasonable from the inside, because the apologist constantly provides good justifications for actions, and it’s hard to second-guess those justifications because it feels like giving up or losing.
I would suggest practicing noticing when you are ignoring what other people say, and using this as a trigger to consider how you can satisfy them. I would also suggest noticing when your brain is spitting out motivated justifications, and in that case, considering from scratch whether the action is getting you what you want (including satisfying others who you want to satisfy).
From my outside view, unreasonable people appear not to be exercising goal-oriented, strategic thinking. I see them as making the same mistake over and over: being inconsiderate of others when it would serve them well to be more considerate. Social interactions are very important, so I tend to try hard to show interest in other people, show concern for their concerns, and so on. (I’m not saying I’m great at it, but it’s constantly on my mind.) I perceive less reasonable people as ignoring this.
It’s unusual to feel less reasonable than needed, though; mostly everyone sees themselves as one of the most reasonable people they know (irrelevant of whether they should be working on being more reasonable, or less reasonable). This may make our reflection inaccurate, if we are trying to explicitly decide whether we should be more reasonable rather than leaving it up to our system 1 to choose. Also, it seems almost impossible to convince another person to be more reasonable. They (quite rightly, perhaps) will perceive this as a status attack, or simply mistaken.
Okay, thanks! For me, a lot of this advice makes me think I’m too impatient when others disagree with me. I’ll work on it. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.
Another stopgap measure which has helped me is to, when I finish a statement (maybe finish writing an email, or finish making a point in conversation) consider whether I’ve been unreasonable. An immediate correction can follow in person, or for an email, a new revision.
Will the person receive what I’ve said well?
Did I think about how they might react and shape my statement to make them react well, or did I just say things I wanted to say without consideration?
Has my point been made in good faith, or am I searching for justifications?
What do I really believe about what I just said?
(Some of that has more to do with being rational than reasonable, but the two aren’t completely different, after all.)
A further comment:
This kind of afterthought-based correction eventually trickles into the first-thought reasoning to some extent, because it alters the incentive structure (you learn not to say things that you’ll just end up correcting). So, it may be more useful than it sounds.