How do you deal with embarrassment of having to learn as an adult things that most people learn in their childhood? I’m talking about things that you can’t learn alone in private, such as swimming, riding a bicycle and things like that.
Depends on in what way you’re having trouble with it. If you need to interact with lots of people in whatever context, I find that taking an initial tone of mildly self-deprecating humor helps smooth things out. If you’re the first one to mock yourself, it releases any tension that might be in the air. But then, you should let go of the self-deprecation before it starts to suggest actual low self-confidence.
It can also be good to formulate a pithy explanation for why you don’t have the skill, so that you can casually explain the situation without bogging people down. “There weren’t any swimming pools near where I grew up.” Something short and simple, even if it leaves out important biographical details.
In the vast majority of cases, people are too involved in their own business to even think about you. If I see an adult swimming really badly, I just assume that nobody ever taught them to swim, which is a completely value-neutral assessment, and then continue on with whatever I was thinking about. I recently took a handful of jiu-jitsu lessons and was obviously as useless as a newborn kitten, but I don’t really need to offer any kind of expository explanation for this lack of skill, because “just started learning” is a fully self-contained explanation.
Search for adult swimming lessons. Everyone there will be as embarrassed as you are. Or try to find swimming lessons out of town, then you won’t accidentally meet people who know you.
I don’t think I have such embarrassment. It sounds to me like something coming from comparing yourself to other people. If you want advice of how you can deal with it, it would be worthwhile to share more details.
“Simply do it, despite the embarrassment” might be the best strategy. It’s comfort zone expansion.
To also offer help; this might seem incredibly obvious, but a lot of people still don’t do it: be conscious about the problem and actively make plans addressing it.
E.g. if you know ahead of time that a situation will come up where you’d feel embarrassed, make an actual calculation before of what you’d have to do to avoid it entirely. If you decide that you have to do it, maybe have a plan to minimize the embarrassment somehow (it depends on the context). None of that will solve the issue, but actively trying to find loopholes and such rather than going into situations blindly could reduce harm.
You could also consider ways to solve some instances of the problem permanently while dodging the embarrassment, e.g. make active tries to learn how to ride a bike, either on your own or with a person who’s willing and with whom you’d feel comfortable, if such a person exists.
This seems as useful as telling depressed people to stop being depressed. Fear of embarrassment is one of the strongest drives humans have. Probably appearing to be a fool in the ancestral environment led to fewer mates or less status. It’s not something you can just voluntarily turn off or push through easily.
The best strategy, I think, would be to work around it. Convince your brain that it’s not embarrassing. Or that no one cares. Or pretend no one is watching. Or do it around supportive friends.
It’s not something you can just voluntarily turn off or push through easily.
Actually, it is (sample size of 1). I used to be frightful of social circumstances because of fear of embarrassment. I really did get entirely over it just by saying to myself “Self, this is ridiculous. Stop being embarrassed.” Pure willpower can do amazing things. Unlike depression there isn’t a pharmacological effect going on here. You aren’t embarrassed because of some chemical imbalance. You’re embarrassed because you allow yourself to be. It is entirely mental.
Convince your brain that it’s not embarrassing. Or that no one cares.
That’s essentially what I’m saying to do.
EDIT: I should say however that there are a few cases where anti-anxiety medication can help. For most people however this is not the issue.
‘username2’ is a community pseudonymous account that exists to be used by anyone who knows how to access it. You should expect that posts with this username come from different people.
I’m the same username2 you are responding to, but not the OP. Some emotions are “in your head” in the sense of being due to chemical and hormonal imbalances which you have limited non-pharmacological control over. Others are “in your head” in the sense that it is just neural software you were born with, but can be rewritten. Embarrassment is the latter.
How do you deal with embarrassment of having to learn as an adult things that most people learn in their childhood? I’m talking about things that you can’t learn alone in private, such as swimming, riding a bicycle and things like that.
Depends on in what way you’re having trouble with it. If you need to interact with lots of people in whatever context, I find that taking an initial tone of mildly self-deprecating humor helps smooth things out. If you’re the first one to mock yourself, it releases any tension that might be in the air. But then, you should let go of the self-deprecation before it starts to suggest actual low self-confidence.
It can also be good to formulate a pithy explanation for why you don’t have the skill, so that you can casually explain the situation without bogging people down. “There weren’t any swimming pools near where I grew up.” Something short and simple, even if it leaves out important biographical details.
In the vast majority of cases, people are too involved in their own business to even think about you. If I see an adult swimming really badly, I just assume that nobody ever taught them to swim, which is a completely value-neutral assessment, and then continue on with whatever I was thinking about. I recently took a handful of jiu-jitsu lessons and was obviously as useless as a newborn kitten, but I don’t really need to offer any kind of expository explanation for this lack of skill, because “just started learning” is a fully self-contained explanation.
Search for adult swimming lessons. Everyone there will be as embarrassed as you are. Or try to find swimming lessons out of town, then you won’t accidentally meet people who know you.
I don’t think I have such embarrassment. It sounds to me like something coming from comparing yourself to other people. If you want advice of how you can deal with it, it would be worthwhile to share more details.
“Simply do it, despite the embarrassment” might be the best strategy. It’s comfort zone expansion.
To also offer help; this might seem incredibly obvious, but a lot of people still don’t do it: be conscious about the problem and actively make plans addressing it.
E.g. if you know ahead of time that a situation will come up where you’d feel embarrassed, make an actual calculation before of what you’d have to do to avoid it entirely. If you decide that you have to do it, maybe have a plan to minimize the embarrassment somehow (it depends on the context). None of that will solve the issue, but actively trying to find loopholes and such rather than going into situations blindly could reduce harm.
You could also consider ways to solve some instances of the problem permanently while dodging the embarrassment, e.g. make active tries to learn how to ride a bike, either on your own or with a person who’s willing and with whom you’d feel comfortable, if such a person exists.
Please forgive the snarky response but… Don’t be embarrassed. Embarrassment is in your head only.
This seems as useful as telling depressed people to stop being depressed. Fear of embarrassment is one of the strongest drives humans have. Probably appearing to be a fool in the ancestral environment led to fewer mates or less status. It’s not something you can just voluntarily turn off or push through easily.
The best strategy, I think, would be to work around it. Convince your brain that it’s not embarrassing. Or that no one cares. Or pretend no one is watching. Or do it around supportive friends.
Actually, it is (sample size of 1). I used to be frightful of social circumstances because of fear of embarrassment. I really did get entirely over it just by saying to myself “Self, this is ridiculous. Stop being embarrassed.” Pure willpower can do amazing things. Unlike depression there isn’t a pharmacological effect going on here. You aren’t embarrassed because of some chemical imbalance. You’re embarrassed because you allow yourself to be. It is entirely mental.
That’s essentially what I’m saying to do.
EDIT: I should say however that there are a few cases where anti-anxiety medication can help. For most people however this is not the issue.
Every emotion is in your head only, so that’s not useful advise. The same argument could be made for virtually every form of social insecurity.
If I may ask—you are the same registered user who made the initial comment. Why reply to yourself? Are you multiple people using the same account?
‘username2’ is a community pseudonymous account that exists to be used by anyone who knows how to access it. You should expect that posts with this username come from different people.
Ah, I see. Thanks.
I’m the same username2 you are responding to, but not the OP. Some emotions are “in your head” in the sense of being due to chemical and hormonal imbalances which you have limited non-pharmacological control over. Others are “in your head” in the sense that it is just neural software you were born with, but can be rewritten. Embarrassment is the latter.
Good point.
Yeah good point, Brillyant.