A related idea is for people who have some goal they want to achieve, like having a romantic relationship with someone of their preferred gender
I am 22 years old, and I have never had a girlfriend. At no time in my life have I remained single by choice.
I strongly suspect that this has more to do with a general inability to form social contacts, than anything specific to forming a pair-bond. Wherever the difficulty, the goal is to meet and befriend someone with whom I can share a meaningful and lasting intimate relationship, and socializing-in-general would be no more than a means to that end.
It is likely that I have heard all the general advice on this subject, multiple times, and enacted it where applicable. Nothing in the cached wisdom has proven helpful. I am still single. And not merely single but genuinely alone without friends or associates, and starting to feel frustrated in helplessness about it.
A while back I had an open offer to provide suggestions to LW-ers OKC profiles. I had a lot of fun doing it, and giving some general one-on-one advice as well. The offer still stands, if more people are interested!
I’m 28 yo female. I’ve been involved in many kinds of relationships (married, divorced, mono, poly, serious, casual, and everything in-between), and am a former hired gun (aka professional flirt).
I’m willing to give whatever one-on-one advice that I can.
Hmm. I have an OKCupid profile, but I haven’t updated it in a while, since it barely averaged one view a month and I haven’t gotten messaged in over a year. Even if I had the Awesomest Profile Ever I don’t think it would help. Wherever the people I need to meet are, it doesn’t look like they’re on OKC.
(Note: I am assuming you are a straight male from your use of “girlfriend”.)
I have an OKCupid profile, but I haven’t updated it in a while, since it barely averaged one view a month
There are ways to raise your view count:
Log in once a day- You don’t have to actually do anything, but one of the search options is “Online in the last ”, if you rarely log on, then you probably aren’t showing up on most females’ searches.
When you update, answer questions with explanations, add pics, etc, it pops you into people’s front pages. (i.e. ” just uploaded a new photo” or something)
View, rate, or favorite other people who are local and have a decent match rate. Personally, if I see anyone over 80% match rate has viewed me, I’ll check them out. If they are less than 50% match rate and they favorite, rate or message me, it’s creepy. Don’t do that.
I haven’t gotten messaged in over a year
I admit it isn’t fair, but men are still expected to do most of the pursuing on these sites, and girls get to pick and choose. The fact that you’ve even gotten one message is pretty promising. It really is up to you on these sites to message a bunch of females. Sorry.
My personal experiences follow this- When I message a guy, I am almost guaranteed a response. When I message a girl it’s more like 50⁄50. From what I hear, it’s much worse for guys messaging girls. On my end, as a female I get lots of messages and such, and only respond to very few (maybe 1%).
What this means is you have to do a decent amount of work to get just one date with a girl.
Messages should be tailored to their profile, but don’t spend too much time on them, since you need to get quantity out. Even more effective in getting a female to respond is to IM her: For a message, the recipient has to make a conscious decision to reply. Whereas when an IM pops up, the recipient has to make a conscious decision not to respond.
(Dark Artsish warning) Most people feel much more guilty not responding to an IM that has just popped up, than a message sitting in their inbox. They are likely to reply just to be polite. Don’t push things, but if they are amenable to conversation, you’ve already got your foot in the door. Also, if you favorite a person, it will tell you when they are online, so you can msg them. (end Dark Arts)
If you send me your username, we can continue this conversation via PM.
Thanks, but that all pretty much falls into the category of “general advice I’ve heard many times before” or “stuff I already knew”, including the dark arts bit.
I’m not exactly sure how to link to a specific OKC profile, there doesn’t seem to be an applicable URL that I can find. In lieu of that, my username there is DarkDaydreamer. I do log in semi-regularly because of the “online in the last ” thing, but the last time I edited my proflie or did more than glance at the Quiver, was at least a year ago.
The fact that you’ve even gotten one message is pretty promising.
I didn’t know this, however (and if true, that’s a bit of a self-esteem boost). But, it supports the notion that my problem lies in finding the right people in the first place; something I have had no success doing on OKC. And I would prefer not to go through a dating site anyway, if possible.
(I’ve been on Meetup.com a lot, but all the groups in my area are either religious-only, lesbian-only, women-only, deader than HDDVD, or about something I have absolutely no interest in. There’s a really disproportionate number of those first three, too.)
If this offer is still open, I’m interested (provided I can count on you not to defect by linking my Lesswrong identity with my real identity). Private messaging is not working at the moment for me; perhaps it will for you.
Joining the swing dancing club at my college did more for my social skills/life and romantic opportunities then any other single choice in my life. Swing dancers as a culture tend to be open, friendly, and lacking in personal space boundaries. If you have a club in your area, go to lessons and go to social dances until you start getting complimented on your dancing. Work at becoming a good dancer. I assume you have already read advice on how to make small talk, which is all you need while dancing. Once you become a proficient dancer, girls will start flirting with you. This is just a thing among swing dancers: good dancer = attractive. Provided you aren’t creepy (again, I will assume you’ve read enough to prevent this) you will find dancers an incredibly accepting group.
Tl;dr swing dancing clubs are an excellent way to meet people without having to maintain long conversations.
If you’re poly-friendly and want to haul yourself down to Berkeley sometime after, call it January 10, and you’re interested, I’ll go out with you at least once. We can talk about worldbuilding and Nightwish and whatnot.
If not I could just give profile-optimizing tips. Or if so I could give profile-optimizing tips, for that matter.
I’ll definitely see about getting myself down to Berkeley after the holidays are through.
After giving it a bit of thought, I’m reasonably sure I have plenty of reasons to accept the offer and no reasons not to, even if the idea does stir up a bit of my old social timidity.
Oh, and while I’m not exactly poly myself, I’m definitely poly-friendly.
Well, I don’t actually have much experience in this area (obviously), so this is based mostly on introspection and guesswork, but I have observed in myself a distinct reluctance to split my attention among things which I feel individually merit more than cursory attention.
I don’t know what this actually amounts to in practice. I suspect this means that if I had multiple girlfriends, as soon as one was clearly my primary, I would find myself inclined to neglect my relationships with the others. (Which, combined with a touch of Projection, is why I once referred to myself as “naturally monogamous”—I now think that’s an oversimplification and not necessarily a good thing.). However, as I’ve never even had one girlfriend at a time, this is all speculation, and I’m most likely near the limits of what I can learn through introspection.
So I’m… potentially poly, verification pending? :P
Have you ever really liked a girl who was going out with a friend of yours? How jealous did you feel? That could help shed light on how poly you could be.
I’ve never been in that exact situation, but I have been in situations where I think I would have felt jealousy if I was likely to in general, and didn’t. Jealousy has never really even been an issue for me, even before I knew poly was a thing.
I would be extremely surprised if I ended up having issues with jealousy.
It sounds like you’re potentially of similar temperament to myself, so I’ll feel free to other-optimize this once. I would suggest focusing on making friends first; it seems like the ideal person for you would be someone who would be in your circle of friends anyway. Do things that you like to do that involve other people and let your soulmate find you. Then if you’ve made friends but haven’t found someone, now you have friends to ask for help.
I am 22 years old, and I have never had a girlfriend. At no time in my life have I remained single by choice.
I strongly suspect that this has more to do with a general inability to form social contacts, than anything specific to forming a pair-bond. Wherever the difficulty, the goal is to meet and befriend someone with whom I can share a meaningful and lasting intimate relationship, and socializing-in-general would be no more than a means to that end.
It is likely that I have heard all the general advice on this subject, multiple times, and enacted it where applicable. Nothing in the cached wisdom has proven helpful. I am still single. And not merely single but genuinely alone without friends or associates, and starting to feel frustrated in helplessness about it.
If there’s help to be had, I would be glad of it.
A while back I had an open offer to provide suggestions to LW-ers OKC profiles. I had a lot of fun doing it, and giving some general one-on-one advice as well. The offer still stands, if more people are interested!
I’m 28 yo female. I’ve been involved in many kinds of relationships (married, divorced, mono, poly, serious, casual, and everything in-between), and am a former hired gun (aka professional flirt).
I’m willing to give whatever one-on-one advice that I can.
Hmm. I have an OKCupid profile, but I haven’t updated it in a while, since it barely averaged one view a month and I haven’t gotten messaged in over a year. Even if I had the Awesomest Profile Ever I don’t think it would help. Wherever the people I need to meet are, it doesn’t look like they’re on OKC.
(Note: I am assuming you are a straight male from your use of “girlfriend”.)
There are ways to raise your view count:
Log in once a day- You don’t have to actually do anything, but one of the search options is “Online in the last ”, if you rarely log on, then you probably aren’t showing up on most females’ searches.
When you update, answer questions with explanations, add pics, etc, it pops you into people’s front pages. (i.e. ” just uploaded a new photo” or something)
View, rate, or favorite other people who are local and have a decent match rate. Personally, if I see anyone over 80% match rate has viewed me, I’ll check them out. If they are less than 50% match rate and they favorite, rate or message me, it’s creepy. Don’t do that.
I admit it isn’t fair, but men are still expected to do most of the pursuing on these sites, and girls get to pick and choose. The fact that you’ve even gotten one message is pretty promising. It really is up to you on these sites to message a bunch of females. Sorry.
My personal experiences follow this- When I message a guy, I am almost guaranteed a response. When I message a girl it’s more like 50⁄50. From what I hear, it’s much worse for guys messaging girls. On my end, as a female I get lots of messages and such, and only respond to very few (maybe 1%).
What this means is you have to do a decent amount of work to get just one date with a girl.
Messages should be tailored to their profile, but don’t spend too much time on them, since you need to get quantity out. Even more effective in getting a female to respond is to IM her: For a message, the recipient has to make a conscious decision to reply. Whereas when an IM pops up, the recipient has to make a conscious decision not to respond.
(Dark Artsish warning) Most people feel much more guilty not responding to an IM that has just popped up, than a message sitting in their inbox. They are likely to reply just to be polite. Don’t push things, but if they are amenable to conversation, you’ve already got your foot in the door. Also, if you favorite a person, it will tell you when they are online, so you can msg them. (end Dark Arts)
If you send me your username, we can continue this conversation via PM.
Thanks, but that all pretty much falls into the category of “general advice I’ve heard many times before” or “stuff I already knew”, including the dark arts bit.
I’m not exactly sure how to link to a specific OKC profile, there doesn’t seem to be an applicable URL that I can find. In lieu of that, my username there is DarkDaydreamer. I do log in semi-regularly because of the “online in the last ” thing, but the last time I edited my proflie or did more than glance at the Quiver, was at least a year ago.
I didn’t know this, however (and if true, that’s a bit of a self-esteem boost). But, it supports the notion that my problem lies in finding the right people in the first place; something I have had no success doing on OKC. And I would prefer not to go through a dating site anyway, if possible.
(I’ve been on Meetup.com a lot, but all the groups in my area are either religious-only, lesbian-only, women-only, deader than HDDVD, or about something I have absolutely no interest in. There’s a really disproportionate number of those first three, too.)
Responded to privately. :)
I’m not sure if this is the right place, but I’d definitely appreciate it if you had a look at mine =)
If this offer is still open, I’m interested (provided I can count on you not to defect by linking my Lesswrong identity with my real identity). Private messaging is not working at the moment for me; perhaps it will for you.
PM-ing is still down, but if you do a search for “LessWrong” on there, you should find me.
Joining the swing dancing club at my college did more for my social skills/life and romantic opportunities then any other single choice in my life. Swing dancers as a culture tend to be open, friendly, and lacking in personal space boundaries. If you have a club in your area, go to lessons and go to social dances until you start getting complimented on your dancing. Work at becoming a good dancer. I assume you have already read advice on how to make small talk, which is all you need while dancing. Once you become a proficient dancer, girls will start flirting with you. This is just a thing among swing dancers: good dancer = attractive. Provided you aren’t creepy (again, I will assume you’ve read enough to prevent this) you will find dancers an incredibly accepting group.
Tl;dr swing dancing clubs are an excellent way to meet people without having to maintain long conversations.
Where do you live?
Around Here.
*consults Google Maps*
*reads OKC profile*
If you’re poly-friendly and want to haul yourself down to Berkeley sometime after, call it January 10, and you’re interested, I’ll go out with you at least once. We can talk about worldbuilding and Nightwish and whatnot.
If not I could just give profile-optimizing tips. Or if so I could give profile-optimizing tips, for that matter.
Whoa, that’s mentoring taken seriously!
That’s… quite generous of you.
I think I may want to take you up on that at some point, if the offer’s serious.
Offer’s serious ^^
Well, cool.
I’ll definitely see about getting myself down to Berkeley after the holidays are through.
After giving it a bit of thought, I’m reasonably sure I have plenty of reasons to accept the offer and no reasons not to, even if the idea does stir up a bit of my old social timidity.
Oh, and while I’m not exactly poly myself, I’m definitely poly-friendly.
Are you inexactly poly?
Heh.
Well, I don’t actually have much experience in this area (obviously), so this is based mostly on introspection and guesswork, but I have observed in myself a distinct reluctance to split my attention among things which I feel individually merit more than cursory attention.
I don’t know what this actually amounts to in practice. I suspect this means that if I had multiple girlfriends, as soon as one was clearly my primary, I would find myself inclined to neglect my relationships with the others. (Which, combined with a touch of Projection, is why I once referred to myself as “naturally monogamous”—I now think that’s an oversimplification and not necessarily a good thing.). However, as I’ve never even had one girlfriend at a time, this is all speculation, and I’m most likely near the limits of what I can learn through introspection.
So I’m… potentially poly, verification pending? :P
That was very nicely said.
Have you ever really liked a girl who was going out with a friend of yours? How jealous did you feel? That could help shed light on how poly you could be.
Oh, that’s not a concern at all.
I’ve never been in that exact situation, but I have been in situations where I think I would have felt jealousy if I was likely to in general, and didn’t. Jealousy has never really even been an issue for me, even before I knew poly was a thing.
I would be extremely surprised if I ended up having issues with jealousy.
That’s certainly a good sign.
I’m not complaining, but why is this upvoted so highly?
I don’t know if there are enough upvotes in the world to express the value of actually taking action over merely dispensing verbal platitudes.
Because it was quite an “awww, what a nice thing to do” deserving comment, as well as a very clever idea.
It sounds like you’re potentially of similar temperament to myself, so I’ll feel free to other-optimize this once. I would suggest focusing on making friends first; it seems like the ideal person for you would be someone who would be in your circle of friends anyway. Do things that you like to do that involve other people and let your soulmate find you. Then if you’ve made friends but haven’t found someone, now you have friends to ask for help.
Look at this helpful website and see where you are failing.