I am getting married in less than a month, and I just realized that the wedding is probably the Schelling point event of my life. Therefore, if I were to make a commitment to change something about myself, now is probably the time to do it. It seems to me that If I want to make a short term resolution to change something about myself, I should start on New Years Day, so that I can have that extra push of being able to say “I have not done X this year.” However, If I want to make a long term change, the best time to do it is probably the wedding, since it is probably the Schelling point of events in my life.
So what are some useful commitments I can make in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?
One idea is to get a “Precommitment Journal”, and commit to follow anything that I write down in there, but in that case, I have technically followed everything I have written in that non-existent journal, so that commitment does not really need a Schelling point start date.
I would say the big one to start is Family Traditions, and the like. Ideas:
A weekly or bi-weekly date night where you go do something different (no dinner-and-a-movie.)
If you don’t usually have a “Family Dinner”, make one day of the week a “Family Dinner” night.
Weekly or monthly get-together where you can hash out plans, see what’s been problematic, hopefully correct things before they lead to arguments, etc
The yearly traditions such as: having a jar where you write down all the awesome things that happened on slips of paper, and read the paper on New Years, various holiday traditions, or yearly vacations, or whatnot
If having children is in the plan, I will comment that having kids has been much more Schellingy than getting married was, and any life-changes I didn’t have solidly cemented before having kids damned sure weren’t going to be made after having them.
One thing I’m glad I did was make a habit of trying to write fiction a few times a week before the kids came along—basically, selfishly carve out some me-time—because now I’m still able to maintain this habit with two babies.
Children might be a common time start resolutions, especially ones that might effect the children, but I disagree that it is more Schellingly in the sense that if two people were to choose a day in my, and try to name the same day, the wedding would probably be third only to birth and death.
But I guess that does not make it the best day to start a resolution.
However, note that in my position, it is better for me to temporarily believe that this is the best time to start a resolution, because that makes me more likely to go through it. Thanks for the basilisk. :)
Also, I already kind of used up the first kid, by setting that as my deadline for deciding about cryonics.
I agree weddings are more Schellingy, you’re more likely to want to remember them, they involve more friends and family and nice food, and less splattered blood and feces (your mileage may vary though).
A commitment to being healthy and happy could be a good idea. The information from the Blue Zones could provide lots of useful ideas.
A commitment to love could also be a good idea. Love 2.0 book has scientific research in this field.
On a simpler note, you could commit to a long walk in nature with your wife every month or every fortnight. Find a nice trail and keep returning there for a nice slow walk. You could use this time to unwind or to calmly discuss what you could do about things.
It is hard to make suggestions not knowing the current state of your life.
If you currently smoke, stop smoking, the general disruption in routine around the wedding should make it easier. Reflect on how you want your relationship with your partner to be over the long term, maybe arrange to discuss these things with them at regular intervals.
If you are anything like the majority of married men, you will be told what to change about yourself, in what direction and by how much. [Yes, this is tongue in cheek]
Which is probably a good strategy. Not optimal, but better on average than blindly following the advice.
People are sometimes bad in predicting what will make them react which way. If you marry someone, at least you know your current set of trait made you attractive to them, and made them want to spend their time with you. There is no such guarantee for the proposed new set of traits.
Typical failure: In far mode it seems like a good idea that a man should have more ambition, and do what he can to progress on the carreer ladder. But that has some side effects, such as working longer hours, more stress, less attention to what happens at home; even some personality changes. And that is often resented in near mode, and sometimes leads to a divorce.
(I’m currently reading “Why Men Are the Way They Are” by Warren Farrell, and there one man describes his story of following all the advice people around him gave him… finishing with: I worked really hard to become a person whom everyone hates, including myself.)
I can’t find an appropriate post at the moment, but I’m pretty sure Ferrett Steinmetz writes about him and his wife working to improve each other—a difficult and contentious process, but useful.
Do you think there’s no chance of partners having blind spots in different areas and using this so that eventually both can see more clearly?
Did you mean this post about him and his wife pushing each other into doing things they know the other will like, despite the spouse’s initial protests: I Love My Wife Because She Disrespects Me?
If it works, it’s awesome. I wouldn’t recommend it to an average couple, though. Even an average aspiring rationalist couple should be extra careful.
Constantly showing your partner your weaknesses may be a bad idea. Partners are supposed to impress each other. Of course they know the other one is far from perfect, but that’s not a reason to bring it to attention too frequently. I am not saying it could never work, just that it seems like an unnecessary risk.
And outside of the rationalist community… most people want to believe in mystery. Ruin the mystery, and you may have ruined the relationship.
I am getting married in less than a month, and I just realized that the wedding is probably the Schelling point event of my life. Therefore, if I were to make a commitment to change something about myself, now is probably the time to do it. It seems to me that If I want to make a short term resolution to change something about myself, I should start on New Years Day, so that I can have that extra push of being able to say “I have not done X this year.” However, If I want to make a long term change, the best time to do it is probably the wedding, since it is probably the Schelling point of events in my life.
So what are some useful commitments I can make in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?
One idea is to get a “Precommitment Journal”, and commit to follow anything that I write down in there, but in that case, I have technically followed everything I have written in that non-existent journal, so that commitment does not really need a Schelling point start date.
I would say the big one to start is Family Traditions, and the like. Ideas:
A weekly or bi-weekly date night where you go do something different (no dinner-and-a-movie.)
If you don’t usually have a “Family Dinner”, make one day of the week a “Family Dinner” night.
Weekly or monthly get-together where you can hash out plans, see what’s been problematic, hopefully correct things before they lead to arguments, etc
The yearly traditions such as: having a jar where you write down all the awesome things that happened on slips of paper, and read the paper on New Years, various holiday traditions, or yearly vacations, or whatnot
Your future spouse can answer this better than we can.
If having children is in the plan, I will comment that having kids has been much more Schellingy than getting married was, and any life-changes I didn’t have solidly cemented before having kids damned sure weren’t going to be made after having them.
One thing I’m glad I did was make a habit of trying to write fiction a few times a week before the kids came along—basically, selfishly carve out some me-time—because now I’m still able to maintain this habit with two babies.
I’m experiencing this now (with about six months still on the clock). Anything you wish you’d implemented pre-kids?
Children might be a common time start resolutions, especially ones that might effect the children, but I disagree that it is more Schellingly in the sense that if two people were to choose a day in my, and try to name the same day, the wedding would probably be third only to birth and death.
But I guess that does not make it the best day to start a resolution.
However, note that in my position, it is better for me to temporarily believe that this is the best time to start a resolution, because that makes me more likely to go through it. Thanks for the basilisk. :)
Also, I already kind of used up the first kid, by setting that as my deadline for deciding about cryonics.
I agree weddings are more Schellingy, you’re more likely to want to remember them, they involve more friends and family and nice food, and less splattered blood and feces (your mileage may vary though).
Let me just state some obvious ones:
Exercise
Saving money
Eating well
Anki
Anything in the longevity guide
Practicing a new skill (eg: musical instrument, cooking, a sport or hobby)
Learn how to make bulleted lists in this system, why isn’t this working?
Overcoming an annoying habit like biting nails
Meditating regularly
Make two newlines before starting the list.
Like this it works
There has to be new line after the dot above and a newline immediately after that.
Learn to manage stress well...?
Btw, you need to start a new line every time you make a bullet point.
No, you need to leave a blank line before the first item of the list (the items of the list can be linked)
like
this
Ah… thanks.
Start a a good feelings journal or a relationship journal. Being positive and specific boosts your mood and satisfaction with the relationship.
A commitment to being healthy and happy could be a good idea. The information from the Blue Zones could provide lots of useful ideas.
A commitment to love could also be a good idea. Love 2.0 book has scientific research in this field.
On a simpler note, you could commit to a long walk in nature with your wife every month or every fortnight. Find a nice trail and keep returning there for a nice slow walk. You could use this time to unwind or to calmly discuss what you could do about things.
It is hard to make suggestions not knowing the current state of your life.
If you currently smoke, stop smoking, the general disruption in routine around the wedding should make it easier. Reflect on how you want your relationship with your partner to be over the long term, maybe arrange to discuss these things with them at regular intervals.
If you are anything like the majority of married men, you will be told what to change about yourself, in what direction and by how much. [Yes, this is tongue in cheek]
And then won’t change any of those things.
[EDITED to add: Of course this is an unfair and inaccurate overgeneralization. Just like the parent comment.]
Which is probably a good strategy. Not optimal, but better on average than blindly following the advice.
People are sometimes bad in predicting what will make them react which way. If you marry someone, at least you know your current set of trait made you attractive to them, and made them want to spend their time with you. There is no such guarantee for the proposed new set of traits.
Typical failure: In far mode it seems like a good idea that a man should have more ambition, and do what he can to progress on the carreer ladder. But that has some side effects, such as working longer hours, more stress, less attention to what happens at home; even some personality changes. And that is often resented in near mode, and sometimes leads to a divorce.
(I’m currently reading “Why Men Are the Way They Are” by Warren Farrell, and there one man describes his story of following all the advice people around him gave him… finishing with: I worked really hard to become a person whom everyone hates, including myself.)
I can’t find an appropriate post at the moment, but I’m pretty sure Ferrett Steinmetz writes about him and his wife working to improve each other—a difficult and contentious process, but useful.
Do you think there’s no chance of partners having blind spots in different areas and using this so that eventually both can see more clearly?
Did you mean this post about him and his wife pushing each other into doing things they know the other will like, despite the spouse’s initial protests: I Love My Wife Because She Disrespects Me?
Probably at least that one. There may be others.
Thanks.
If it works, it’s awesome. I wouldn’t recommend it to an average couple, though. Even an average aspiring rationalist couple should be extra careful.
Constantly showing your partner your weaknesses may be a bad idea. Partners are supposed to impress each other. Of course they know the other one is far from perfect, but that’s not a reason to bring it to attention too frequently. I am not saying it could never work, just that it seems like an unnecessary risk.
And outside of the rationalist community… most people want to believe in mystery. Ruin the mystery, and you may have ruined the relationship.