Which is probably a good strategy. Not optimal, but better on average than blindly following the advice.
People are sometimes bad in predicting what will make them react which way. If you marry someone, at least you know your current set of trait made you attractive to them, and made them want to spend their time with you. There is no such guarantee for the proposed new set of traits.
Typical failure: In far mode it seems like a good idea that a man should have more ambition, and do what he can to progress on the carreer ladder. But that has some side effects, such as working longer hours, more stress, less attention to what happens at home; even some personality changes. And that is often resented in near mode, and sometimes leads to a divorce.
(I’m currently reading “Why Men Are the Way They Are” by Warren Farrell, and there one man describes his story of following all the advice people around him gave him… finishing with: I worked really hard to become a person whom everyone hates, including myself.)
I can’t find an appropriate post at the moment, but I’m pretty sure Ferrett Steinmetz writes about him and his wife working to improve each other—a difficult and contentious process, but useful.
Do you think there’s no chance of partners having blind spots in different areas and using this so that eventually both can see more clearly?
Did you mean this post about him and his wife pushing each other into doing things they know the other will like, despite the spouse’s initial protests: I Love My Wife Because She Disrespects Me?
If it works, it’s awesome. I wouldn’t recommend it to an average couple, though. Even an average aspiring rationalist couple should be extra careful.
Constantly showing your partner your weaknesses may be a bad idea. Partners are supposed to impress each other. Of course they know the other one is far from perfect, but that’s not a reason to bring it to attention too frequently. I am not saying it could never work, just that it seems like an unnecessary risk.
And outside of the rationalist community… most people want to believe in mystery. Ruin the mystery, and you may have ruined the relationship.
And then won’t change any of those things.
[EDITED to add: Of course this is an unfair and inaccurate overgeneralization. Just like the parent comment.]
Which is probably a good strategy. Not optimal, but better on average than blindly following the advice.
People are sometimes bad in predicting what will make them react which way. If you marry someone, at least you know your current set of trait made you attractive to them, and made them want to spend their time with you. There is no such guarantee for the proposed new set of traits.
Typical failure: In far mode it seems like a good idea that a man should have more ambition, and do what he can to progress on the carreer ladder. But that has some side effects, such as working longer hours, more stress, less attention to what happens at home; even some personality changes. And that is often resented in near mode, and sometimes leads to a divorce.
(I’m currently reading “Why Men Are the Way They Are” by Warren Farrell, and there one man describes his story of following all the advice people around him gave him… finishing with: I worked really hard to become a person whom everyone hates, including myself.)
I can’t find an appropriate post at the moment, but I’m pretty sure Ferrett Steinmetz writes about him and his wife working to improve each other—a difficult and contentious process, but useful.
Do you think there’s no chance of partners having blind spots in different areas and using this so that eventually both can see more clearly?
Did you mean this post about him and his wife pushing each other into doing things they know the other will like, despite the spouse’s initial protests: I Love My Wife Because She Disrespects Me?
Probably at least that one. There may be others.
Thanks.
If it works, it’s awesome. I wouldn’t recommend it to an average couple, though. Even an average aspiring rationalist couple should be extra careful.
Constantly showing your partner your weaknesses may be a bad idea. Partners are supposed to impress each other. Of course they know the other one is far from perfect, but that’s not a reason to bring it to attention too frequently. I am not saying it could never work, just that it seems like an unnecessary risk.
And outside of the rationalist community… most people want to believe in mystery. Ruin the mystery, and you may have ruined the relationship.