Only looked at the prologue and the beginning of the first chapter for a bit, but a few quick suggestions based on those:
I’d recommend cutting the prologue. You’ll ideally want to grab the reader’s attention from the very first sentence. That might be as much time as they’ll give your story before they decide it’s boring and close the browser tab. And while the beginning of the prologue isn’t very catchy, the first two sentences of the first chapter are. Better to start with that.
The next few paragraphs sounds a little “preachy” to my ear, and feel like they slow things down a bit; I’d cut them too and focus on ensuring that the narrative flows well. So something like:
Chapter One
So I’d made a bit of a mistake.
Eh, kids, your parents gave you good advice when they told you to always look both ways before crossing a road.
One moment there was the sound of squealing breaks and the sight of a van hurling towards me.
Then there was a blackness that seemed to last for an eternity and also no time at all, and then -
I sat upon a mountaintop.
Very high. Like, planes in the sky high.
And I was naked.
Might say more if I have the chance to read more. :)
I added the prologue when an earlier version of the first chapter had a much weaker opening couple of opening sentences, but the first sentences here really don’t need that extra intro.
But tone down the preachiness seems to be the general advice. I think I went too far in trying to make sure that certain ideas were clearly covered.
Only looked at the prologue and the beginning of the first chapter for a bit, but a few quick suggestions based on those:
I’d recommend cutting the prologue. You’ll ideally want to grab the reader’s attention from the very first sentence. That might be as much time as they’ll give your story before they decide it’s boring and close the browser tab. And while the beginning of the prologue isn’t very catchy, the first two sentences of the first chapter are. Better to start with that.
The next few paragraphs sounds a little “preachy” to my ear, and feel like they slow things down a bit; I’d cut them too and focus on ensuring that the narrative flows well. So something like:
Might say more if I have the chance to read more. :)
Yeah, you are right.
I added the prologue when an earlier version of the first chapter had a much weaker opening couple of opening sentences, but the first sentences here really don’t need that extra intro.
But tone down the preachiness seems to be the general advice. I think I went too far in trying to make sure that certain ideas were clearly covered.