The PUA theory explains this in terms of a status interaction. The woman is testing, ‘is this man so low status he feels compelled or obligated to buy me a drink?’
I am wary of explanations based on status interactions. It is the kind of explanation that can explain anything and therefore nothing. Also, I am skeptical based on my sense of the woman’s subsequent disappointment and embarrassment if the man says no directly—this is not a test where the level 1 correct answer is ‘no’.
Alternatively, there’s the simplistic evolutionary explanation, that I present here as what I would use to explain the phenomenon to a true human-outsider. Asking a man for a drink at a bar covertly or overtly, and in general men buying drinks for women, is the first step in a courtship ritual in which the man is to display that he is a provider. Raising children is a big investment and a family will be successful if the man and the woman together provide for the family. The woman’s investment is largely guaranteed by other mechanisms, so it is the male’s investment that must be tested and assured.
When a woman asks a man for a drink, this is the modern equivalent of asking him to bring her an animal skin. Something of token value that is of some benefit to her. What happens next is variable and perhaps does depend upon status. The woman can signal that she is not a single-animal-skin female, perhaps because providing for a child is much bigger than a single-animal-skin investment. Alternatively, the female can signal loyalty (her test in the courtship game) and signal that in return for the drink, the man has secured her undivided attention (politely, for at least the length of time it takes her to consume the drink).
This is all level-1 interaction. Human beings are intelligent, and the interaction can go meta to level 2 or 3 or higher. A woman should have concerns about a man that will buy any woman a drink that asks him. If he is too nice (signals too generally that he is a provider) then you can predict he will be fixing Aunt Rosa’s faucet when he ought to be changing diapers. Also, he might not be very smart, or too low status in the tribe to provide much for the family. Thus a man that can deflect the request in a humorous/intelligent way will be very attractive—especially if it is early in the courtship (he will not provide indiscriminately to every female that asks!) and especially if he manipulates the situation to advance the courtship (he is intelligent and capable and interested!).
Level 3 or higher would be the man going meta about the courtship ritual itself. (Not feminist? Or commenting on how silly the norm is.) This can be very attractive because the man is signaling intelligence and a larger meaning-of-life potential value. This is someone you can talk to about whether you should have kids or not.
I would guess that if you are naturally successful with people of the opposite sex, you slide easily and naturally among these levels. PUA seems to recommend making it level 2 or higher. My preference in courtship would be level 1 and level 3 together: the drink and signaling at the meta level about intelligence and gender roles. Because real life is changing diapers, but it’s valuable to have a mutual awareness that life is—to some extent—a set of choices.
My hunch is that Feynman had success with his rogue tactics because he was meta, and this is what the intelligent women attracted to his intelligence were looking for. His behavior, if given at level 1 or level 2, would flop disastrously.
Also, I am skeptical based on my sense of the woman’s subsequent disappointment and embarrassment if the man says no directly—this is not a test where the level 1 correct answer is ‘no’.
This is true—but only because just answering “no” is a DLV—demonstration of lower value. It says that you’re not paying attention, or that you’re either stingy or you lack resources. (Also, the PUA model is basically if that the woman ends up feeling bad, you’re doing it wrong. Feynman’s “worse than a whore” story should not be considered a canonical example here.)
The big problem, though, with these hypothetical discussions is that they’re abstract, and what is actually a DHV or DLV is going to depend hugely on body language, voice tone, and numerous other elements of context that are impractical to talk about in text like this.
Likewise, on the flip side:
Level 3 or higher would be the man going meta about the courtship ritual itself. (Not feminist? Or commenting on how silly the norm is.) This can be very attractive because the man is signaling intelligence and a larger meaning-of-life potential value. This is someone you can talk to about whether you should have kids or not.
The exact same words can still be a DLV, if they’re uttered without social calibration. A guy who says these things while being in his head and not actually connecting with the woman in front of him, may well be seen as a self-centered jackass or a pompous twit.
It’s not just what you say or how you say it, but the degree to which both show that you are tuned in and present to what is going on around you… especially what’s going on with the person in front of you. Otherwise, it’s still not expensive enough of a signal! (Secondarily, the inherent riskiness of the act implies your authenticity and courage—more expensive, hard-to-fake signaling.)
Interestingly, I’ve seen that there is at least one PUA school (“Authentic Man Program”) that has focused their training efforts on precisely these hard-to-fake aspects of signaling, to the virtual exclusion of everything else.
That is, they appear to focus on training men to be present and responsive to what is going on, while maintaining the integrity of their own mission or principles. And they claim that it is these qualities of presence, awareness, and authenticity that female status/value testing is really trying to measure.
(Side note of possible interest: they may also be the only PUA school that employs more female teachers than male ones—some of their workshop samples show panels of three or four women working with two male teachers, or pairs of women giving students feedback on their presence qualities, while the male coaches then just tell the guy what to do (mentally and physically) with the feedback that’s been given. IOW, it seems like the women are used as experts on the female experience of the men, while the men focus on how those things are generated or experienced inside men.)
Anyway, their goal seems to be to train men to actually have these attractive qualities (and get rid of the beliefs and behaviors that interfere with them), rather than teaching all the ways the qualities can be signaled or faked, as other PUA schools do.
It is the kind of explanation that can explain anything and therefore nothing.
No, that’s not correct. It is falsifiable—it claims that you won’t get laid as much by failing shit tests as by passing them. And, indeed, it has been subjected to man-centuries of field testing, unlike many ideas we see on Less Wrong.
This is what I mean by status theories can explain anything: if buying the drink for the girl on average results in a good outcome, you could say that buying a drink on average raises your status in her point of view. If not buying the drink for the girl on average results in a good outcome, you could say that not buying a drink on average raises your status in her point of view. In either case, you assume rather than establish that higher status corresponds to the more successful outcome.
How do you know if “status” is a real thing if you can’t measure it directly but only infer it from successful outcomes? The problem is that maybe higher status is redefined in each case as getting the good outcome, in which case “status” is just the property-of-resulting-in-successful-outcomes. Even if status is some external objective thing, if we don’t know how to objectively measure whether it has increased or not, this is missing in theories based on predicting what happens if it’s increased or not.
Later edit: I thought about it a little longer and my true argument isn’t that good outcomes aren’t correlated with higher status, I suspect they are. It’s that the theory is missing where you predict which things will raise status and which will lower status. If not buying the drink helps, you deduce that this raised your status. But why should it have been raised? This last part is just filling in the blanks.
How do you know if “status” is a real thing if you can’t measure it directly but only infer it from successful outcomes? The problem is that maybe higher status is redefined in each case as getting the good outcome, in which case “status” is just the property-of-resulting-in-successful-outcomes. Even if status is some external objective thing, if we don’t know how to objectively measure whether it has increased or not, this is missing in theories based on predicting what happens if it’s increased or not.
Some PUA theories use “value” and “compliance” as their currency rather than status. i.e., giving compliance implies the other person has value to you. This is at least marginally better, although as your previous comment points out, there are various levels and dimensions on which “value” can be measured.
There are PUA terms for value demonstration—“DHV” for demonstration of higher value, and “DLV” for demonstration of lower value. Self-deprecating behavior, deference, and compliance are DLVs, while confidence, humor, leadership, social proof (e.g. having friends or followers) are all DHV’s. PUA’s also attempt to tell stories that contain oblique references to things that imply value, by showing how you treat your friends and allies, protect your mates, and that you have other positive qualities such as openness to new experiences (implied bravery and resource/fitness surplus), etc.
Of course, at level 1 this is just boasting that you work out and have a fast car; so PUA’s select stories that show these qualities implicitly, rather than directly boasting about them, so that the inferences are drawn subconsciously, instead of being presented on the surface for conscious dismissal.
(Btw, as with so many things in PUA, these concepts apply to other social interactions as well. A marketing message (or really, any story) is more effective when it “shows” instead of “tells” the things it wants you to conclude.)
(Btw, as with so many things in PUA, these concepts apply to other social interactions as well. A marketing message (or really, any story) is more effective when it “shows” instead of “tells” the things it wants you to conclude.)
In either case, you assume rather than establish that higher status corresponds to the more successful outcome.
How do you know if “status” is a real thing if you can’t measure it directly but only infer it from successful outcomes?
Status is not just defined and determined by good outcomes; the drink example is one small piece of a larger puzzle.
How do you know if “status” is a real thing if you can’t measure it directly but only infer it from successful outcomes?
You could consider status to be rather like the magnetic field—it is a mathematical moving part of the theory, and has explanatory power only to the extent that the theory predicts objectively measurable events. Is the magnetic field real? Who cares—what matters is whether your radio works.
It is falsifiable—it claims that you won’t get laid as much by failing shit tests as by passing them.
The explanation is fitted to the observations of the custom. It is therefore not supported by the observations. Had the observations been different, the explanation would never have been invented.
A woman asks a man for a drink at a bar.
The PUA theory explains this in terms of a status interaction. The woman is testing, ‘is this man so low status he feels compelled or obligated to buy me a drink?’
I am wary of explanations based on status interactions. It is the kind of explanation that can explain anything and therefore nothing. Also, I am skeptical based on my sense of the woman’s subsequent disappointment and embarrassment if the man says no directly—this is not a test where the level 1 correct answer is ‘no’.
Alternatively, there’s the simplistic evolutionary explanation, that I present here as what I would use to explain the phenomenon to a true human-outsider. Asking a man for a drink at a bar covertly or overtly, and in general men buying drinks for women, is the first step in a courtship ritual in which the man is to display that he is a provider. Raising children is a big investment and a family will be successful if the man and the woman together provide for the family. The woman’s investment is largely guaranteed by other mechanisms, so it is the male’s investment that must be tested and assured.
When a woman asks a man for a drink, this is the modern equivalent of asking him to bring her an animal skin. Something of token value that is of some benefit to her. What happens next is variable and perhaps does depend upon status. The woman can signal that she is not a single-animal-skin female, perhaps because providing for a child is much bigger than a single-animal-skin investment. Alternatively, the female can signal loyalty (her test in the courtship game) and signal that in return for the drink, the man has secured her undivided attention (politely, for at least the length of time it takes her to consume the drink).
This is all level-1 interaction. Human beings are intelligent, and the interaction can go meta to level 2 or 3 or higher. A woman should have concerns about a man that will buy any woman a drink that asks him. If he is too nice (signals too generally that he is a provider) then you can predict he will be fixing Aunt Rosa’s faucet when he ought to be changing diapers. Also, he might not be very smart, or too low status in the tribe to provide much for the family. Thus a man that can deflect the request in a humorous/intelligent way will be very attractive—especially if it is early in the courtship (he will not provide indiscriminately to every female that asks!) and especially if he manipulates the situation to advance the courtship (he is intelligent and capable and interested!).
Level 3 or higher would be the man going meta about the courtship ritual itself. (Not feminist? Or commenting on how silly the norm is.) This can be very attractive because the man is signaling intelligence and a larger meaning-of-life potential value. This is someone you can talk to about whether you should have kids or not.
I would guess that if you are naturally successful with people of the opposite sex, you slide easily and naturally among these levels. PUA seems to recommend making it level 2 or higher. My preference in courtship would be level 1 and level 3 together: the drink and signaling at the meta level about intelligence and gender roles. Because real life is changing diapers, but it’s valuable to have a mutual awareness that life is—to some extent—a set of choices.
My hunch is that Feynman had success with his rogue tactics because he was meta, and this is what the intelligent women attracted to his intelligence were looking for. His behavior, if given at level 1 or level 2, would flop disastrously.
This is true—but only because just answering “no” is a DLV—demonstration of lower value. It says that you’re not paying attention, or that you’re either stingy or you lack resources. (Also, the PUA model is basically if that the woman ends up feeling bad, you’re doing it wrong. Feynman’s “worse than a whore” story should not be considered a canonical example here.)
The big problem, though, with these hypothetical discussions is that they’re abstract, and what is actually a DHV or DLV is going to depend hugely on body language, voice tone, and numerous other elements of context that are impractical to talk about in text like this.
Likewise, on the flip side:
The exact same words can still be a DLV, if they’re uttered without social calibration. A guy who says these things while being in his head and not actually connecting with the woman in front of him, may well be seen as a self-centered jackass or a pompous twit.
It’s not just what you say or how you say it, but the degree to which both show that you are tuned in and present to what is going on around you… especially what’s going on with the person in front of you. Otherwise, it’s still not expensive enough of a signal! (Secondarily, the inherent riskiness of the act implies your authenticity and courage—more expensive, hard-to-fake signaling.)
Interestingly, I’ve seen that there is at least one PUA school (“Authentic Man Program”) that has focused their training efforts on precisely these hard-to-fake aspects of signaling, to the virtual exclusion of everything else.
That is, they appear to focus on training men to be present and responsive to what is going on, while maintaining the integrity of their own mission or principles. And they claim that it is these qualities of presence, awareness, and authenticity that female status/value testing is really trying to measure.
(Side note of possible interest: they may also be the only PUA school that employs more female teachers than male ones—some of their workshop samples show panels of three or four women working with two male teachers, or pairs of women giving students feedback on their presence qualities, while the male coaches then just tell the guy what to do (mentally and physically) with the feedback that’s been given. IOW, it seems like the women are used as experts on the female experience of the men, while the men focus on how those things are generated or experienced inside men.)
Anyway, their goal seems to be to train men to actually have these attractive qualities (and get rid of the beliefs and behaviors that interfere with them), rather than teaching all the ways the qualities can be signaled or faked, as other PUA schools do.
No, that’s not correct. It is falsifiable—it claims that you won’t get laid as much by failing shit tests as by passing them. And, indeed, it has been subjected to man-centuries of field testing, unlike many ideas we see on Less Wrong.
This is what I mean by status theories can explain anything: if buying the drink for the girl on average results in a good outcome, you could say that buying a drink on average raises your status in her point of view. If not buying the drink for the girl on average results in a good outcome, you could say that not buying a drink on average raises your status in her point of view. In either case, you assume rather than establish that higher status corresponds to the more successful outcome.
How do you know if “status” is a real thing if you can’t measure it directly but only infer it from successful outcomes? The problem is that maybe higher status is redefined in each case as getting the good outcome, in which case “status” is just the property-of-resulting-in-successful-outcomes. Even if status is some external objective thing, if we don’t know how to objectively measure whether it has increased or not, this is missing in theories based on predicting what happens if it’s increased or not.
Later edit: I thought about it a little longer and my true argument isn’t that good outcomes aren’t correlated with higher status, I suspect they are. It’s that the theory is missing where you predict which things will raise status and which will lower status. If not buying the drink helps, you deduce that this raised your status. But why should it have been raised? This last part is just filling in the blanks.
Some PUA theories use “value” and “compliance” as their currency rather than status. i.e., giving compliance implies the other person has value to you. This is at least marginally better, although as your previous comment points out, there are various levels and dimensions on which “value” can be measured.
There are PUA terms for value demonstration—“DHV” for demonstration of higher value, and “DLV” for demonstration of lower value. Self-deprecating behavior, deference, and compliance are DLVs, while confidence, humor, leadership, social proof (e.g. having friends or followers) are all DHV’s. PUA’s also attempt to tell stories that contain oblique references to things that imply value, by showing how you treat your friends and allies, protect your mates, and that you have other positive qualities such as openness to new experiences (implied bravery and resource/fitness surplus), etc.
Of course, at level 1 this is just boasting that you work out and have a fast car; so PUA’s select stories that show these qualities implicitly, rather than directly boasting about them, so that the inferences are drawn subconsciously, instead of being presented on the surface for conscious dismissal.
(Btw, as with so many things in PUA, these concepts apply to other social interactions as well. A marketing message (or really, any story) is more effective when it “shows” instead of “tells” the things it wants you to conclude.)
Related Less Wrong post.
Another proxy for measuring status is how attractive you are to attractive women—given that the fundamental attractor is reliable status signals.
Status is not just defined and determined by good outcomes; the drink example is one small piece of a larger puzzle.
You could consider status to be rather like the magnetic field—it is a mathematical moving part of the theory, and has explanatory power only to the extent that the theory predicts objectively measurable events. Is the magnetic field real? Who cares—what matters is whether your radio works.
The explanation is fitted to the observations of the custom. It is therefore not supported by the observations. Had the observations been different, the explanation would never have been invented.