(Sorry if my English comes across as odd or bland; I’m tired and my feel for the language might be off.)
Here’s a bit of a confession, because I feel like it.
I was diagnosed with encephalopathy of some kind when I was 19. Can’t recall the specifics right now, but the gist of it is, I was born with brain damage. Due to that I’ve been suffering from a severe attention deficit, frequent emotional turbulence or periods of apathy, and rather unpleasant failures of willpower throughout my life, growing particularly troublesome around the last year of high school. I used to be rather disfunctional socially and emotionally, and found myself growing very nihilistic, neglectful and careless of myself and others.
I used to had a few good, true friends at school—despite being very introverted and getting tired of any company easily—but they all drifted away after graduation. Entering a state university and coping with most classes was trivially easy for me (my IQ is 135, and I simply enjoy reading up on a broad range of humanities on my own), but I flunked after my first year for three times in a row (due to hardly attending at all after the first month, neglecting to study for finals and failing to hand in papers). Didn’t make any permanent acquaintances at uni, in part because of my prosopagnosia, in part because of my becoming rather callous to people.
As a child I had a great deal of empathy, but it hurt me, so my shell grew way too tough and I eventually started taking comfort in not caring for anyone; I frequently dreamed of my family/parents dying and me inheriting their small fortune, I lied to my parents habitually and took a sadistic kick of them being hurt by it, I hated the very thought of anyone being dependent of me and looking to me for aid, etc.
Then, in one winter week, things changed. I watched the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion and my shell was utterly shattered. It was a moment of utter catharsis for me. My fears, shames and anxieties were all laid bare in Shinji, and in following his story I learned of a way to remake myself. During a month of internal strife, I reconsidered my core values and found a new sense of ethics. My social anxiety is also gone; whereas previously I was hesitant to initiate any social contact, now I’m unafraid to try, occasionally fail and lose status, yet learn and suffer virtually no embarrassment. I’m often seen as eccentric, to put it generously, but it’s still a hell of a lot better than what I used to resign myself to.
That was about 3 years ago, and in that time I have reforged the bonds with my immediate family (some considerable issues remain, like fits of hysteria or times when I lie pathologically, but it’s nothing like the giant cold-hearted deception on my part that it used to be). I also realized my bisexuality and got into a relationship with an awesome guy who’s greatly creative and truly sympathetic of me. (it’s long-distance sadly, we only met a couple of times so far, but the total contact and connection between us was the best thing that ever happened in my life). All that helped me get my life moving; I’m finally making an honest effort to get an education in a field I enjoy (social work). I still have a lot of issues, and I’m going to need more professional help with my condition, perhaps more medication too, but what I’m certain of is that NGE was a helping hand when I needed it most and expected it least. No wonder I became a rather obsessive fanboy :)
I was intending to write a bit more, but I’m falling asleep. Damn, this ramble is unlikely to earn me much karma, and I’m being way too forthcoming about myself. Eh, I wanted to confess about all that to people that are high-status in my eyes, so here you go.
Maybe someone should do some study about that peculiar group of depressed and/or psychopathological people who were significantly mentally kicked by NGE. Of course it’s all anecdotal right now, but I really have the impression (especially after spending some time at EvaGeeks… ) that NGE produces a recurring pattern of effect on a cluster of people, moreover, that effect is much more dramatic than what is usual in art.
NGE produces a recurring pattern of effect on a cluster of people, moreover, that effect is much more dramatic than what is usual in art.
The funny thing is, the more I research Evangelion—interview people, translate or transcribe obscure interviews and articles, etc. - the less I find any real depth to it but the more I admire Anno & co.’s intuitive skill with cinematography and improvisation.
What do you mean by real depth? In cinema, isn’t skilled cinematography included in that? If I recall correctly, I’ve read from you somewhere that you think most of NGE’s narrative/mythological background is an impromptu, leaky mess (which I mostly agree with), so you might mean that by lack of real depth, but that doesn’t subtract much from NGE’s overall success at thematic exposition, so I’m still not fully getting it.
I don’t imagine it would have nearly as much of an effect on people who aren’t familiar with anime. But I would read that study in a heartbeat if it existed.
(Sorry if my English comes across as odd or bland; I’m tired and my feel for the language might be off.)
Here’s a bit of a confession, because I feel like it.
I was diagnosed with encephalopathy of some kind when I was 19. Can’t recall the specifics right now, but the gist of it is, I was born with brain damage. Due to that I’ve been suffering from a severe attention deficit, frequent emotional turbulence or periods of apathy, and rather unpleasant failures of willpower throughout my life, growing particularly troublesome around the last year of high school. I used to be rather disfunctional socially and emotionally, and found myself growing very nihilistic, neglectful and careless of myself and others.
I used to had a few good, true friends at school—despite being very introverted and getting tired of any company easily—but they all drifted away after graduation. Entering a state university and coping with most classes was trivially easy for me (my IQ is 135, and I simply enjoy reading up on a broad range of humanities on my own), but I flunked after my first year for three times in a row (due to hardly attending at all after the first month, neglecting to study for finals and failing to hand in papers). Didn’t make any permanent acquaintances at uni, in part because of my prosopagnosia, in part because of my becoming rather callous to people.
As a child I had a great deal of empathy, but it hurt me, so my shell grew way too tough and I eventually started taking comfort in not caring for anyone; I frequently dreamed of my family/parents dying and me inheriting their small fortune, I lied to my parents habitually and took a sadistic kick of them being hurt by it, I hated the very thought of anyone being dependent of me and looking to me for aid, etc.
Then, in one winter week, things changed. I watched the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion and my shell was utterly shattered. It was a moment of utter catharsis for me. My fears, shames and anxieties were all laid bare in Shinji, and in following his story I learned of a way to remake myself. During a month of internal strife, I reconsidered my core values and found a new sense of ethics. My social anxiety is also gone; whereas previously I was hesitant to initiate any social contact, now I’m unafraid to try, occasionally fail and lose status, yet learn and suffer virtually no embarrassment. I’m often seen as eccentric, to put it generously, but it’s still a hell of a lot better than what I used to resign myself to.
That was about 3 years ago, and in that time I have reforged the bonds with my immediate family (some considerable issues remain, like fits of hysteria or times when I lie pathologically, but it’s nothing like the giant cold-hearted deception on my part that it used to be). I also realized my bisexuality and got into a relationship with an awesome guy who’s greatly creative and truly sympathetic of me. (it’s long-distance sadly, we only met a couple of times so far, but the total contact and connection between us was the best thing that ever happened in my life). All that helped me get my life moving; I’m finally making an honest effort to get an education in a field I enjoy (social work). I still have a lot of issues, and I’m going to need more professional help with my condition, perhaps more medication too, but what I’m certain of is that NGE was a helping hand when I needed it most and expected it least. No wonder I became a rather obsessive fanboy :)
I was intending to write a bit more, but I’m falling asleep. Damn, this ramble is unlikely to earn me much karma, and I’m being way too forthcoming about myself. Eh, I wanted to confess about all that to people that are high-status in my eyes, so here you go.
Maybe someone should do some study about that peculiar group of depressed and/or psychopathological people who were significantly mentally kicked by NGE. Of course it’s all anecdotal right now, but I really have the impression (especially after spending some time at EvaGeeks… ) that NGE produces a recurring pattern of effect on a cluster of people, moreover, that effect is much more dramatic than what is usual in art.
The funny thing is, the more I research Evangelion—interview people, translate or transcribe obscure interviews and articles, etc. - the less I find any real depth to it but the more I admire Anno & co.’s intuitive skill with cinematography and improvisation.
What do you mean by real depth? In cinema, isn’t skilled cinematography included in that? If I recall correctly, I’ve read from you somewhere that you think most of NGE’s narrative/mythological background is an impromptu, leaky mess (which I mostly agree with), so you might mean that by lack of real depth, but that doesn’t subtract much from NGE’s overall success at thematic exposition, so I’m still not fully getting it.
I’m not a cinema person, so I don’t really know. I approach my anime from essentially a New Wave SF literary standpoint.
Yeah, I posted about my experience on the Evageeks forums once, and quite a few people expressed something similar in response.
I don’t imagine it would have nearly as much of an effect on people who aren’t familiar with anime. But I would read that study in a heartbeat if it existed.