Well, because they can see—despite my best attempts at hiding it—that it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and yet they go on doing it. (I’m writing ‘me’ here, but I bet I’m speaking for the vast majority of women here.) Reading further along, I see that you were thinking that maybe I was assuming bad intent about all men, but that wasn’t what I meant at all. But those jerks who shout things about ones breasts or legs, or crude invitations—yes, I have a hard time believing they think it’s fun for the woman that is directed at.
Women usually try to conceal how much they dislike it—for fairly good reasons. They assume that the purpose of street harassment is to cause discomfort, so they want to deny reinforcement to the harassers.
At least some men who do street harassment have a belief that women secretly like street harassment, which mean that they (the men) discount such indications of dislike as they might notice.
I believe that people in general are much less clueful about other people’s emotions than it feels like they should be from the inside. Now that I think about it, I’ve only known one person who could read me accurately when I was shielding (some of the time), or at least only one who talked about what he was seeing.
When I was going through a very bad spell, I was interested to notice that the way I was treated didn’t seem to change at all. Now it’s plausible that I was missing some subtleties in other people’s reactions and/or that they could see something was wrong but didn’t know how to address it, but I concluded that people generally don’t see very much.
Moreover, no woman is ever going to be drawn to that, at least that I’ve ever heard. So it doesn’t make sense as a grossly misguided pick-up strategy. Thinking about it and reading the thread, the more I think something along the lines of the Berne Games People Play dynamic is at work. It’s the most charitable reading you can give to the behavior at least; the jerks taking part in this are getting some kind of attention from the woman they’re targeting, even though it’s negative attention. Still extremely hurtful behavior, but I can believe (or at least kid myself into believing) that men can gain insight into the behavior, realize what’s going on, and stop doing it.
One of the more humiliating moments of my adult life was when two guys were making lewd comments to a female friend of mine across a parking lot. I felt absolutely helpless (I’ll be blunt, they were far away and it was obvious they would kick my a__), and I can only imagine what my friend went through. She weathered it, but I’m sure that came at some cost to her psyche that women spend to much time and effort bearing. I can only say it’s in the best interests of men and women if this was all curtailed.
My theory is that there are behaviors which build alliances within one sex to the detriment of individual relationships with the other sex.
I have no strong opinion about whether this contributes to individual reproductive chances, though I can make up some theories about why it might.
People don’t just need to produce babies, they need to support themselves and their children—alliances within one’s own gender can quite useful. It’s also conceivable that intra gender alliances are good tools for limiting the mating opportunities of low-status competitors of one’s own gender.
A female example might be women who spend a lot of time commiserating with each other about how awful men in general and their husbands in particular are. This is not to deny that sometimes men are a problem for women, but putting a strong availability bias on their negative traits can push somewhat bad situations towards worse.
For both sexes, a fair amount of work is put into convincing low status members of one’s own sex to not even try to attract someone. I don’t know how much this is in play in societies where people aren’t as expected to get their own mates.
It’s also conceivable that catcalling is a spandrel—it’s a side effect of homophobia, with men trying to prove to other men (who can be quite dangerous) that they are attracted to women. Doing something low-cost to prove that one is attracted to women is easier than than doing something which might actually attract women.
In feminist circles, its called Street Harassment, there are movements to stop it, and for those males like me who never experienced it personally, there are videos- but what worked best for me was talking to female friends. Street Harassment happens a lot less to women in mixed groups, so I was unaware of the consistency with which it happened to females without male companionship.
I’m just not sure what you think their motivation in this is, if not some sort of instinctual male delight in humiliating women.
No offense, here, I’m genuinely asking. I’m sure it’s unpleasant to suffer this sort of BS, and I certainly don’t condone it. I just doubt the perpetrators are actually motivated by your discomfort.
I don’t know about instinctual male delight. But yes, some people do like to make others suffer, probably because it makes them feel powerful and in control. Catcalling is just a male way of doing that. I’m shy and timid, and used to be even more so back when I was in school, and there I was more often bothered by the girls, who used to surround me and say nasty hurtful things about/to me (that I fortunately don’t remember).
Oh, I see. Sorry, it’s just that such assumptions about men are relatively common in our society, and can actually be more common in otherwise progressive communities.
While, again, I can’t claim to direct knowledge of these people’s motivations, have you considered that they may have been motivated by status concerns rather than pure evil? Not that such motivations are impossible, of course, it just seems unlikely that all such actions are rooted in pure schadenfreude.
… but that’s a rather different explanation to “some people do like to make others suffer [...] Catcalling is just a male way of doing that”, isn’t it?
The situation is complicated by the fact that a lot of women try to ignore being catcalled. I have no idea whether men who catcall believe they’re being
Because I suck at hiding my emotions, especially strong ones like that. OTOH, I’ve never thought about that before, but suppose I’m better at it than I thought. That would be really neat. And them persisting with it would be less bad too, if they didn’t know I hated it but just thought I was indifferent or just didn’t hear them.
t is humiliating and frightening, and no fun at all. And I’m sure that is just what the catcallers find fun. It’s a dominance thing.
I think it’s fair to describe that as assuming malicious intent.
My guess is that some catcallers assume that what they’re saying is a compliment even if women don’t admit it, and others know it’s at least somewhat unpleasant for women but underestimate the total negative effect or believe that women deserve it.
It is humiliating and frightening, and no fun at all. And I’m sure that is just what the catcallers find fun. It’s a dominance thing.
I’d say that’s pretty clearly what I meant by “malicious intent”.
For the record, I think it’s a membership thing. “Look at me, I’m one of the boys, I’m so heterosexual, see how I am attracted to this woman”. But then, I’ve never catcalled (or discussed it with someone who has.)
Honestly, it’s because it conforms to a stereotype of male psychology that is common, almost certainly wrong, and rarely challenged. More generally, the notion that men find humiliating and frightening women “fun” seems like calling them Evil Mutants, which is almost always an assumption (and wrong.)
I think it’s pretty clear that some fraction of people enjoy upsetting other people, though it would surprise me if most of them wildly underestimate how much damage they do.
ETA: That should have been “That wouldn’t surprise me. (Can a small amount of noise destroy a message? Yes, if it’s leaving out a negation.)
Is there any information about what proportion of men catcall?
How do we want to define catcalling? I haven’t run into any of the worst stuff that I know of. (My hearing is not spectacularly good, so I may have failed to make out the words in some cases.) However, I’ve had a lot of guys just say “How are you doing?”, which is a pain in the ass even though they weren’t remotely threatening. It took me a while to figure out a good strategy, such just ignoring them was hard on me—it’s an effort to break social rules.
Saying “Fine. And you?” works well enough. They smile and answer briefly. However, my feeling is “Keep moving. This isn’t a conversation I want to be in.”
It took me longer to figure out what I didn’t like about it—“how are you doing?” is a mildly intrusive greeting which assumes at least a minor connection.
ETA: I run into more and worse harassment for being a middle-aged woman riding a bike with sidebaskets. And when I say more and worse, I mean one instance when I was shoved and one or two more when I was frightened by people demanding a ride in my baskets.
Oh, I know there are people who would probably deliberately catcall just to annoy—I just assumed it was related to the idea that men enjoy humiliating and denigrating women just … because we’re men. It’s surprisingly common once you start noticing it, and almost never challenged, so I make a point of speaking up about these things whenever possible. “Men’s Rights” may attract misogynists, but that doesn’t mean we should ignore stereotypes of men (not saying you’re saying we should—it’s just a common assumption and a pet peeve of mine.)
As for the catcalling thing … I think everyone gets random people saying, basically, “hi”. It can be weird when you don’t know them, but I think it’s distinct from catcalling—which seems to vary geographically, judging by other comments here.
When people I don’t recognize greet me, I assume that either they mistook me for somebody else, or I met them but I don’t remember them. (The fact that I’m not very good at recognizing faces of people I haven’t spent a nontrivial amount of time with does not help.) I usually just greet them back and walk on, or ask “have I met you before?” if I’m not in a hurry and they look interesting.
I get it all the time, and have all my life. I always put it down to people I don’t know but who recognize me; I’m fairly recognizable and tend to end up doing high-profile things (speeches etc.)
There’s an element of “claiming ownership” in cat calling and in “how are you doing” and “smile baby” too. It means “I have the right to your time, I have the right to your attention, I have the right to have you be pretty for me by smiling” Replying politely only confirms that, they think they have you trapped in a conversation now. And witness how this “right” is backed by indignation “bitch, think you’re all that” and gendered tear-down-confidence insults “slut” and “fat ugly cow” as soon as the man is refused. Which is why women learn counter strategies that don’t throw back his claim in his face (as he rightly deserves).
I’ve heard that argument (in a thread on a feminist blog about a particular xkcd issue), but it triggers my “not the true rejection” warning light. If Alice was asked for directions by another woman, I wouldn’t anticipate Alice to resent that.
Asking for directions is a different case, because most people may be assumed to need directions from strangers at some time, so there’s a degree of long term reciprocity.
I think street harassment is in a different category because it’s an attention grab while not being part of a benevolent social net or giving anything back.
I think it’s a different case, but not completely. When a stranger asks me for directions, I feel imposed upon and uncomfortable. In large part this is because I’ve learned that the frequency of the person using it as a pretext for panhandling is high. Which has a certain similarity to why the greetings make you uncomfortable, I think: both are used as pretexts to start a conversation we’d rather not be involved in.
Clearly there’s some context dependency here: if the person is standing on a sidewalk, I feel far more uncomfortable than if they just rolled down their car window in a parking lot. I also recall a time a man on a bike asked me for directions, appeared genuinely thankful, made sure he’d got them right, and then asked me for money. When I refused, he was annoyed (though more polite than is common) and then left in the direction I had indicated.
Anyway, seeing as offering random greetings to strangers along the lines of “how are you doing” is something I (hetero male, in case you hadn’t inferred that) do occasionally, I’m trying to ponder what contexts I do it in. I think I’m generally shy and awkward enough that I basically do it a context something like I made eye contact, and then some external cause means the other person isn’t just leaving, and now I’m feeling awkward and like I should say something. I’m assuming this basically isn’t the sort of context you’re talking about? Actually, on further reflection, I suspect I do it in the situation described in the main article of when holding the door for someone, which is not something I had ever really thought of as potentially offensive before. (For the record, I don’t follow it up with sexual remarks and slurs.)
When a stranger asks me for directions, I feel imposed upon and uncomfortable. In large part this is because I’ve learned that the frequency of the person using it as a pretext for panhandling is high.
Really? I’ve been asked directions a lot of times, and this hasn’t happened to me even once.
I haven’t had this happen at all in New York City, the place I’ve spent the most time where I would expect panhandlers, but it might be different elsewhere given that Manhattan is practically impossible to get lost in.
Being asked for directions makes me uncomfortable, but only because I have the worst sense of direction of anyone I know, and hate feeling unhelpful.
Don’t ask for a source of something that clearly is an interpretation of observation not a study. That’s pretty clearly acting dismissively.
And you know what I mean about claiming ownership too. Those comments are said by men to women in a particular way that is more intrusive and different from the way they are said to you. You are being dismissive here too.
I find “source please” only somewhat dismissive, but I would find it similarly so if the claim was a more direct, less empirical one.
I read “source please” as a statement that your interpretive claim is too strong to be supported by the quantity of interpretation you have provided. There is no reason your source could not be an essay instead of a pile of data and statistics. Hopefully such an essay would make use of at least some quantity of data.
Non-obvious interpretations need justification for all the same reasons that non-obvious direct empirical claims do, and I don’t think it’s more or less dismissive in one case than the other to call for a source. Specifically, what I find dismissive is not the request for a source, but the failure to engage the claim otherwise. That said, I’m not sure I find it inappropriate here.
Don’t ask for a source of something that clearly is an interpretation of observation not a study. That’s pretty clearly acting dismissively.
I would like to know what evidence you have for your claims. Without evidence, yes, I’m going to dismiss them, because they fit a profile of stereotyping that, in my experience, is tied to factually wrong statements about my gender.
And you know what I mean about claiming ownership too.
I have my suspicions, but that doesn’t address my point.
Those comments are said by men to women in a particular way that is more intrusive and different from the way they are said to you. You are being dismissive here too.
I was suggesting that sexual comments and greetings may have different causes. Since I receive greetings that sound similar to the ones described from people who are almost certainly not viewing me as a potential partner, it seems likely that they are received regardless of gender, unlike catcalls.
‘Ownership’ might be putting it too strongly, but it’s definitely a claim on the other person’s attention for something which is of no conceivable value to the person who’s attention is being claimed.
I have the experience of being a male and having other males make unsolicited greetings, which makes me uncomfortable and generally resembles what Nancy reported. Since I doubt the same phenomenon is responsible for the greetings I receive and the “catcalling”many women report, I suggested that Nancy’s experiences had a different cause to regular, sexual catcalling. I may have made some sort of error, but if so I would prefer you point it out rather than baldly accuse me of a failure of empathy.
For what it’s worth, every stranger who’s given me an unwanted “How are you doing?” has been male, and the incidence has dropped off strikingly as I’ve hit menopause.
I do think there’s a sexual element, and for all I know, there was one in the unwanted greetings from men that you’ve gotten.
However, please note that I raised the question about whether the relatively mild “How are you doing?” should be counted among catcalls. The thing that people usually complain about is more overtly sexual and/or gendered, and frequently hostile to start with or becomes hostile if rejected.
I wasn’t trying to make any claims about catcalling, merely supplying evidence that “how are you doing” is a different phenomenon.
… I have to say, the possibility that it’s sexual is there—I have long hair, long enough that I’ve been mistaken for female (more so before I hit puberty, of course.) But my name is used fairly often, so I suspect I’m just more recognizable than skilled at recognizing others.
I think it’s pretty clear that some fraction of people enjoy upsetting other people, though it would surprise me if most of them wildly underestimate how much damage they do.
Why would this surprise you? As I understand it, most of the damage is caused by the pattern, not by any single instance, and the inferential distance in such a case is extremely high. (I find it fairly high personally, as a man who is trying to be sympathetic and has read discussion about this more than once. I’m having trouble estimating how high it would be among the sort of person who would actually engage in the behavior.)
If I may; why do you assume malicious intent?
Well, because they can see—despite my best attempts at hiding it—that it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and yet they go on doing it. (I’m writing ‘me’ here, but I bet I’m speaking for the vast majority of women here.) Reading further along, I see that you were thinking that maybe I was assuming bad intent about all men, but that wasn’t what I meant at all. But those jerks who shout things about ones breasts or legs, or crude invitations—yes, I have a hard time believing they think it’s fun for the woman that is directed at.
That just screams illusion of transparency to me.
You may be right there, I might not have been as easy to read as I though I was.
I agree.
Women usually try to conceal how much they dislike it—for fairly good reasons. They assume that the purpose of street harassment is to cause discomfort, so they want to deny reinforcement to the harassers.
At least some men who do street harassment have a belief that women secretly like street harassment, which mean that they (the men) discount such indications of dislike as they might notice.
I believe that people in general are much less clueful about other people’s emotions than it feels like they should be from the inside. Now that I think about it, I’ve only known one person who could read me accurately when I was shielding (some of the time), or at least only one who talked about what he was seeing.
When I was going through a very bad spell, I was interested to notice that the way I was treated didn’t seem to change at all. Now it’s plausible that I was missing some subtleties in other people’s reactions and/or that they could see something was wrong but didn’t know how to address it, but I concluded that people generally don’t see very much.
Moreover, no woman is ever going to be drawn to that, at least that I’ve ever heard. So it doesn’t make sense as a grossly misguided pick-up strategy. Thinking about it and reading the thread, the more I think something along the lines of the Berne Games People Play dynamic is at work. It’s the most charitable reading you can give to the behavior at least; the jerks taking part in this are getting some kind of attention from the woman they’re targeting, even though it’s negative attention. Still extremely hurtful behavior, but I can believe (or at least kid myself into believing) that men can gain insight into the behavior, realize what’s going on, and stop doing it.
One of the more humiliating moments of my adult life was when two guys were making lewd comments to a female friend of mine across a parking lot. I felt absolutely helpless (I’ll be blunt, they were far away and it was obvious they would kick my a__), and I can only imagine what my friend went through. She weathered it, but I’m sure that came at some cost to her psyche that women spend to much time and effort bearing. I can only say it’s in the best interests of men and women if this was all curtailed.
My theory is that there are behaviors which build alliances within one sex to the detriment of individual relationships with the other sex.
I have no strong opinion about whether this contributes to individual reproductive chances, though I can make up some theories about why it might.
People don’t just need to produce babies, they need to support themselves and their children—alliances within one’s own gender can quite useful. It’s also conceivable that intra gender alliances are good tools for limiting the mating opportunities of low-status competitors of one’s own gender.
A female example might be women who spend a lot of time commiserating with each other about how awful men in general and their husbands in particular are. This is not to deny that sometimes men are a problem for women, but putting a strong availability bias on their negative traits can push somewhat bad situations towards worse.
For both sexes, a fair amount of work is put into convincing low status members of one’s own sex to not even try to attract someone. I don’t know how much this is in play in societies where people aren’t as expected to get their own mates.
It’s also conceivable that catcalling is a spandrel—it’s a side effect of homophobia, with men trying to prove to other men (who can be quite dangerous) that they are attracted to women. Doing something low-cost to prove that one is attracted to women is easier than than doing something which might actually attract women.
You may be on to something, there. The times it happened to me, there always (IIRC) were at least 2 of them.
In feminist circles, its called Street Harassment, there are movements to stop it, and for those males like me who never experienced it personally, there are videos- but what worked best for me was talking to female friends. Street Harassment happens a lot less to women in mixed groups, so I was unaware of the consistency with which it happened to females without male companionship.
I’m just not sure what you think their motivation in this is, if not some sort of instinctual male delight in humiliating women.
No offense, here, I’m genuinely asking. I’m sure it’s unpleasant to suffer this sort of BS, and I certainly don’t condone it. I just doubt the perpetrators are actually motivated by your discomfort.
I’m not sure that it’s instinctual—the amount of catcalling has a lot of local variation.
Well, yes. I’m arguing against that.
I don’t know about instinctual male delight. But yes, some people do like to make others suffer, probably because it makes them feel powerful and in control. Catcalling is just a male way of doing that. I’m shy and timid, and used to be even more so back when I was in school, and there I was more often bothered by the girls, who used to surround me and say nasty hurtful things about/to me (that I fortunately don’t remember).
Oh, I see. Sorry, it’s just that such assumptions about men are relatively common in our society, and can actually be more common in otherwise progressive communities.
While, again, I can’t claim to direct knowledge of these people’s motivations, have you considered that they may have been motivated by status concerns rather than pure evil? Not that such motivations are impossible, of course, it just seems unlikely that all such actions are rooted in pure schadenfreude.
One way of increasing one’s (felt?) status is by proving that one can get away with making other people feel bad.
Good point.
… but that’s a rather different explanation to “some people do like to make others suffer [...] Catcalling is just a male way of doing that”, isn’t it?
Yes, I think you are right, it probably is more about status.
The situation is complicated by the fact that a lot of women try to ignore being catcalled. I have no idea whether men who catcall believe they’re being
Why do you think they know how uncomfortable you are?
Because I suck at hiding my emotions, especially strong ones like that. OTOH, I’ve never thought about that before, but suppose I’m better at it than I thought. That would be really neat. And them persisting with it would be less bad too, if they didn’t know I hated it but just thought I was indifferent or just didn’t hear them.
Why are you assuming she’s assuming it?
I think it’s fair to describe that as assuming malicious intent.
My guess is that some catcallers assume that what they’re saying is a compliment even if women don’t admit it, and others know it’s at least somewhat unpleasant for women but underestimate the total negative effect or believe that women deserve it.
I’d say that’s pretty clearly what I meant by “malicious intent”.
For the record, I think it’s a membership thing. “Look at me, I’m one of the boys, I’m so heterosexual, see how I am attracted to this woman”. But then, I’ve never catcalled (or discussed it with someone who has.)
EDIT: Ninja’d by NancyLebovitz.
Of course. What I meant was, why are you assuming she’s assuming it rather than speaking from personal experience and the experience of others?
Oh, that … makes a lot more sense, actually.
Honestly, it’s because it conforms to a stereotype of male psychology that is common, almost certainly wrong, and rarely challenged. More generally, the notion that men find humiliating and frightening women “fun” seems like calling them Evil Mutants, which is almost always an assumption (and wrong.)
I think it’s pretty clear that some fraction of people enjoy upsetting other people, though it would surprise me if most of them wildly underestimate how much damage they do.
ETA: That should have been “That wouldn’t surprise me. (Can a small amount of noise destroy a message? Yes, if it’s leaving out a negation.)
Is there any information about what proportion of men catcall?
How do we want to define catcalling? I haven’t run into any of the worst stuff that I know of. (My hearing is not spectacularly good, so I may have failed to make out the words in some cases.) However, I’ve had a lot of guys just say “How are you doing?”, which is a pain in the ass even though they weren’t remotely threatening. It took me a while to figure out a good strategy, such just ignoring them was hard on me—it’s an effort to break social rules.
Saying “Fine. And you?” works well enough. They smile and answer briefly. However, my feeling is “Keep moving. This isn’t a conversation I want to be in.”
It took me longer to figure out what I didn’t like about it—“how are you doing?” is a mildly intrusive greeting which assumes at least a minor connection.
ETA: I run into more and worse harassment for being a middle-aged woman riding a bike with sidebaskets. And when I say more and worse, I mean one instance when I was shoved and one or two more when I was frightened by people demanding a ride in my baskets.
Oh, I know there are people who would probably deliberately catcall just to annoy—I just assumed it was related to the idea that men enjoy humiliating and denigrating women just … because we’re men. It’s surprisingly common once you start noticing it, and almost never challenged, so I make a point of speaking up about these things whenever possible. “Men’s Rights” may attract misogynists, but that doesn’t mean we should ignore stereotypes of men (not saying you’re saying we should—it’s just a common assumption and a pet peeve of mine.)
As for the catcalling thing … I think everyone gets random people saying, basically, “hi”. It can be weird when you don’t know them, but I think it’s distinct from catcalling—which seems to vary geographically, judging by other comments here.
When people I don’t recognize greet me, I assume that either they mistook me for somebody else, or I met them but I don’t remember them. (The fact that I’m not very good at recognizing faces of people I haven’t spent a nontrivial amount of time with does not help.) I usually just greet them back and walk on, or ask “have I met you before?” if I’m not in a hurry and they look interesting.
I get it all the time, and have all my life. I always put it down to people I don’t know but who recognize me; I’m fairly recognizable and tend to end up doing high-profile things (speeches etc.)
There’s an element of “claiming ownership” in cat calling and in “how are you doing” and “smile baby” too. It means “I have the right to your time, I have the right to your attention, I have the right to have you be pretty for me by smiling” Replying politely only confirms that, they think they have you trapped in a conversation now. And witness how this “right” is backed by indignation “bitch, think you’re all that” and gendered tear-down-confidence insults “slut” and “fat ugly cow” as soon as the man is refused. Which is why women learn counter strategies that don’t throw back his claim in his face (as he rightly deserves).
I’ve heard that argument (in a thread on a feminist blog about a particular xkcd issue), but it triggers my “not the true rejection” warning light. If Alice was asked for directions by another woman, I wouldn’t anticipate Alice to resent that.
Asking for directions is a different case, because most people may be assumed to need directions from strangers at some time, so there’s a degree of long term reciprocity.
I think street harassment is in a different category because it’s an attention grab while not being part of a benevolent social net or giving anything back.
I think it’s a different case, but not completely. When a stranger asks me for directions, I feel imposed upon and uncomfortable. In large part this is because I’ve learned that the frequency of the person using it as a pretext for panhandling is high. Which has a certain similarity to why the greetings make you uncomfortable, I think: both are used as pretexts to start a conversation we’d rather not be involved in.
Clearly there’s some context dependency here: if the person is standing on a sidewalk, I feel far more uncomfortable than if they just rolled down their car window in a parking lot. I also recall a time a man on a bike asked me for directions, appeared genuinely thankful, made sure he’d got them right, and then asked me for money. When I refused, he was annoyed (though more polite than is common) and then left in the direction I had indicated.
Anyway, seeing as offering random greetings to strangers along the lines of “how are you doing” is something I (hetero male, in case you hadn’t inferred that) do occasionally, I’m trying to ponder what contexts I do it in. I think I’m generally shy and awkward enough that I basically do it a context something like I made eye contact, and then some external cause means the other person isn’t just leaving, and now I’m feeling awkward and like I should say something. I’m assuming this basically isn’t the sort of context you’re talking about? Actually, on further reflection, I suspect I do it in the situation described in the main article of when holding the door for someone, which is not something I had ever really thought of as potentially offensive before. (For the record, I don’t follow it up with sexual remarks and slurs.)
Really? I’ve been asked directions a lot of times, and this hasn’t happened to me even once.
I haven’t had this happen at all in New York City, the place I’ve spent the most time where I would expect panhandlers, but it might be different elsewhere given that Manhattan is practically impossible to get lost in.
Being asked for directions makes me uncomfortable, but only because I have the worst sense of direction of anyone I know, and hate feeling unhelpful.
Source please.
So … male passersby are “claiming ownership” of me? Great, now I’ll be even more uncomfortable. (I’m male & het, if that wasn’t clear.)
Don’t ask for a source of something that clearly is an interpretation of observation not a study. That’s pretty clearly acting dismissively.
And you know what I mean about claiming ownership too. Those comments are said by men to women in a particular way that is more intrusive and different from the way they are said to you. You are being dismissive here too.
I find “source please” only somewhat dismissive, but I would find it similarly so if the claim was a more direct, less empirical one.
I read “source please” as a statement that your interpretive claim is too strong to be supported by the quantity of interpretation you have provided. There is no reason your source could not be an essay instead of a pile of data and statistics. Hopefully such an essay would make use of at least some quantity of data.
Non-obvious interpretations need justification for all the same reasons that non-obvious direct empirical claims do, and I don’t think it’s more or less dismissive in one case than the other to call for a source. Specifically, what I find dismissive is not the request for a source, but the failure to engage the claim otherwise. That said, I’m not sure I find it inappropriate here.
I would like to know what evidence you have for your claims. Without evidence, yes, I’m going to dismiss them, because they fit a profile of stereotyping that, in my experience, is tied to factually wrong statements about my gender.
I have my suspicions, but that doesn’t address my point.
I was suggesting that sexual comments and greetings may have different causes. Since I receive greetings that sound similar to the ones described from people who are almost certainly not viewing me as a potential partner, it seems likely that they are received regardless of gender, unlike catcalls.
‘Ownership’ might be putting it too strongly, but it’s definitely a claim on the other person’s attention for something which is of no conceivable value to the person who’s attention is being claimed.
You don’t have experience, and you turn away vicarious experience—the inferential distance is too large.
I have the experience of being a male and having other males make unsolicited greetings, which makes me uncomfortable and generally resembles what Nancy reported. Since I doubt the same phenomenon is responsible for the greetings I receive and the “catcalling”many women report, I suggested that Nancy’s experiences had a different cause to regular, sexual catcalling. I may have made some sort of error, but if so I would prefer you point it out rather than baldly accuse me of a failure of empathy.
For what it’s worth, every stranger who’s given me an unwanted “How are you doing?” has been male, and the incidence has dropped off strikingly as I’ve hit menopause.
I do think there’s a sexual element, and for all I know, there was one in the unwanted greetings from men that you’ve gotten.
However, please note that I raised the question about whether the relatively mild “How are you doing?” should be counted among catcalls. The thing that people usually complain about is more overtly sexual and/or gendered, and frequently hostile to start with or becomes hostile if rejected.
I wasn’t trying to make any claims about catcalling, merely supplying evidence that “how are you doing” is a different phenomenon.
… I have to say, the possibility that it’s sexual is there—I have long hair, long enough that I’ve been mistaken for female (more so before I hit puberty, of course.) But my name is used fairly often, so I suspect I’m just more recognizable than skilled at recognizing others.
This seems like an important detail.
Why would this surprise you? As I understand it, most of the damage is caused by the pattern, not by any single instance, and the inferential distance in such a case is extremely high. (I find it fairly high personally, as a man who is trying to be sympathetic and has read discussion about this more than once. I’m having trouble estimating how high it would be among the sort of person who would actually engage in the behavior.)
See the edit—I’d accidentally left out a negation. I think most people who tease, harass, and/or abuse have no idea how much damage they cause.