I don’t usually post stories on LessWrong so I’m curious to see how this is received.
The first time we spoke, you asked me some questions that felt really invasive. I didn’t want that to happen again, so I avoided you the entire following year.
So when you said “Hi” at a party and suggested catching up, I hesitated. But curiosity won out.
You still asked probing questions like “Why did you quit your job?” and “What did you think of your manager? I hear they don’t have a great social reputation.”
These weren’t questions I wanted to answer. But this time, something was different. Not you—me.
In the past, I would have felt forced to answer your questions. But I’m sure you can remember how I responded when we spoke again: “Mm, I don’t want to answer that question”, “I don’t want to gossip”, and even a cheeky, “No comment :)”
It didn’t even take effort, that surprised me.
And nothing bad happened! We just spoke about other things.
I realized that I was protecting myself from you with physical distance.
But instead I could protect myself from you with “No.”
So simple…
Too simple?
Why didn’t I think of that before??
Oh, I know why: When I first met you, I was extremely afraid of expressing disapproval of other people.
I didn’t know it consciously. It was quite deeply suppressed. But the pattern fits the data.
It seems that I was so afraid of this, that when you asked me those questions when we met for the first time, the thought didn’t even cross my mind that I could decline to answer.
If I declined a question, I unconsciously predicted you might get mad, and that would make me feel terrible about myself.
So that’s why I didn’t say “No” to your questions when you first met me. And that’s why I avoided you so bluntly with physical distance. (Although, I also avoided everyone during that year for similar reasons.)
Why am I telling you all of this? You helped me grow. These days, it takes very little effort — and sometimes none at all— to reject others’ requests and generally do what I want. I’m much more emotionally secure now.
Also, I noticed a shift in how I perceived you. Once I realized I didn’t have to avoid you, I began noticing qualities I admire. Your passion for your work. Your precise and careful reasoning. I want to learn from these traits. And now that I don’t have to avoid you anymore, I can :)
Addendum: Beliefs I have
Emotional security is the absence of insecurities
In my model, emotional security is achieved by the absence of emotional insecurities— ie: I had those unconscious predictions like, “If something bad outside of my control happens, then I’m not going to be able to feel okay.” But it seems I unlearned most of mine. I don’t encounter situations that make me anxious in that way anymore, and I can’t imagine any new ones either. Rejecting others (and being rejected by others, same thing) has ceased to carry much unnecessary emotional weight.
(The one exception I can think of is if I was afraid that someone was going to physically harm me. But that’s rare.)
It’s about present predictions, not past trauma
One might wonder, “What happened to you? What trauma caused your inability to say ‘No’?” But that’s all irrelevant. All that matters is that I had that unconscious prediction in that present moment.
Thanks to Stag Lynn, Kaj Sotala, Damon Sasi, Brian Toomey, Epistea Residency, CFAR, Anna Salamon, Alex Zhu, and Nolan Kent for mentorship and financial support.
My comment is going to risk psychologizing you and may end up being unwelcome, but since you’ve opened up on here about your experience of getting less insecure, I don’t think it’s out of line. Apologies in advance if it is for you.
Something pinged when I read this line:
What pinged is that these don’t register to me as probing questions at all! These seem like normal attempts to learn about someone by asking about what is, for most people, a very large part of their life: work.
Then I got to this line:
To me these still read like defensive, insecure answers. Perhaps less insecure and defensive than totally shutting down and running away, but still refusing to engage in what most people would consider socially acceptable and normal questions to ask. If someone kept giving me answers like this my first thought would be “oh, I see, this person doesn’t really want to vibe or converse and is making me do all the social labor”.
Maybe. Or maybe you found a new strategy to suppress your anxiety so you don’t have to feel it. I don’t know; I don’t know your mind. But what you’ve described pattern matches to a kind of bypassing that is a healthier coping strategy that what you were deploying before, but also doesn’t fully address the anxiety.
Again, sorry if this was more pointed a comment than you were hoping for. I offer it only in the spirit of saying the sort of thing I would have liked to have had said to me if I were in your position.
Partially I began to agree after the shift, partially I guess there’s more context that I haven’t been able to communicate through text.
What might say if you felt like that in that situation?
Thanks for commenting, I’m not concerned
It’s tough to say without more context, but if I really felt like I couldn’t say much, I’d probably at least give a “nothing burger” answer like “oh, I was ready for something else” or “we got along as best we could”. This might feel like the same thing but the vibes of it are different. A polite avoidance of the question while still engaging with it rather than a more direct shut down.
But of course in most cases I’d probably say more because it would be safe to, up to whatever seemed like a reasonable amount of information to disclose under the circumstances.
That seems more avoidant to me than what I said haha.
Also, I fully expected this person to ask questions for more detail if I had said what you suggest.
On the other side of this, after realizing that people were willing to say no, I realized I could freely ask a lot more “spicy” and interesting questions to people.
At the time, professionally, I entered a rather cagey/secretive finance industry so it was liberating to realize I could ask tough questions, and at worst higher-ups would give me a knowing nod coupled with a “I’m afraid I can’t answer that one”.
(Admittedly, this started to bleed into Slytherin-level tricks where I tried to watch for how quickly someone responded or denied. I certainly avoid doing that to random folks at a party, though!)
Nice one! Would you or anyone else mind sharing tips on how to cultivate emotional security?
basically memory reconsolidation. i write a lot more about this in the other posts on my blog