One general rule is “be harsh on the issue and soft on the person” (from Getting to Yes).
For instance, “every single part of your post struck me as being either a factual mistake, flawed reasoning, or gratuitous allusion to an irrelevant topic” is forceful but (if actually sincere and backed up with argument) conveys no disrespect for the author. We’re (almost) all human here, and so have brain farts every so often. Claiming that your interlocutor has made a mistake or a dozen is both fair and constructive.
By contrast, “so basically you like to make gratuitous references to Japanese culture” is insulting to your interlocutor, even as it leaves the issue unaddressed: you are implying (though not outright saying) that the allusion to Japanese culture was not relevant to the argument. The cooperative assumption is that your interlocutor thought otherwise, but you’re implying that they brought up something irrelevant on purpose.
I can attest from personal experience that the rule works well in situations of negotiation, which definitely are about changing your mind (both yours and the interlocutor’s, since if either refuses to budge, the negotiation will fail).
I doubt that being an asshole, in and of itself, ever helps.
For instance, “every single part of your post struck me as being either a factual mistake, flawed reasoning, or gratuitous allusion to an irrelevant topic” is forceful but (if actually sincere and backed up with argument) conveys no disrespect for the author.
Agreed, but I think the respectfulness of this quote can be improved further, by replacing “your post” with “this post”. It seems silly and doesn’t change the semantic content at all, but de-emphasizing the connection between a post and its author by avoiding the second person serves to dampen status effects and make it easier for the other person to back down or withdraw from the conversation.
I’ve framed it as “treat everyone as though they’re extremely thin-skinned egomaniacs”, and at this point I’m experimenting with being a little less cautious, just for my own sanity.
However, it’s true that a lot of people are very distracted by insults, and there’s no point in saying that they should be tougher.
One general rule is “be harsh on the issue and soft on the person” (from Getting to Yes).
For instance, “every single part of your post struck me as being either a factual mistake, flawed reasoning, or gratuitous allusion to an irrelevant topic” is forceful but (if actually sincere and backed up with argument) conveys no disrespect for the author. We’re (almost) all human here, and so have brain farts every so often. Claiming that your interlocutor has made a mistake or a dozen is both fair and constructive.
By contrast, “so basically you like to make gratuitous references to Japanese culture” is insulting to your interlocutor, even as it leaves the issue unaddressed: you are implying (though not outright saying) that the allusion to Japanese culture was not relevant to the argument. The cooperative assumption is that your interlocutor thought otherwise, but you’re implying that they brought up something irrelevant on purpose.
I can attest from personal experience that the rule works well in situations of negotiation, which definitely are about changing your mind (both yours and the interlocutor’s, since if either refuses to budge, the negotiation will fail).
I doubt that being an asshole, in and of itself, ever helps.
Agreed, but I think the respectfulness of this quote can be improved further, by replacing “your post” with “this post”. It seems silly and doesn’t change the semantic content at all, but de-emphasizing the connection between a post and its author by avoiding the second person serves to dampen status effects and make it easier for the other person to back down or withdraw from the conversation.
I’ve framed it as “treat everyone as though they’re extremely thin-skinned egomaniacs”, and at this point I’m experimenting with being a little less cautious, just for my own sanity.
However, it’s true that a lot of people are very distracted by insults, and there’s no point in saying that they should be tougher.