Does anyone have any tips or advice on how to handle anger and frustration? Particularly anger and frustration from dealing with stupid people. I try to just keep reminding myself that it’s simply an optimization problem.
Do you mean in casual social situations? Or is this people doing stupid things that directly harm you (e.g an incompetent coworker you still need to rely on; a roommate that keeps destroying stuff)?
When the state is genuinely counterproductive to your goals, remind yourself of that while suppressing it. If you’re worried about lashing out and yelling at people, try to redirect your anger towards your irritating endocrine system that was involved in you being angry even though you don’t want to be. Pretending that reductionism implies more than it does is useful: the mantra “just because I’m in a physical state associated with anger doesn’t mean I have to be angry” is pretty good for suppressing reactions.
This still holds when the people in question are harming you, as long as anger is genuinely counterproductive. I used this method when an opposing team was cheating and purposefully running out the clock during a Mock Trial scrimmage. I had every right to be angry, but my anger was only impairing my competitive ability, so I just told myself that I needed to shut down this anger, and even though I had trouble trying to tone down my physical reactions (heart rate), I managed to stay calm and compete well.
If the anger is partially productive, trying to suppress all of it will not work because you are incentivized to fail. Try to suppress the parts that are problematic, and tell yourself things like “I’m allowed to be angry in this situation, but I’m not allowed to have [problem-causing component of anger], because it’s just counterproductive.”
My goal is not to live with it, my goal is to remain stable until I can leave the situation. Long-term suppression is bad, but the alternatives to short-term suppression are generally worse.
I have funneled the emotion into action when possible (I am quite possibly the only teenager who configured FileVault in the middle of an angry argument), but sometimes you just need to appear calm.
The Luminosity sequence has some stuff on this, though its been long enough since I read it that I don’t remember the details very well. Acceptance and commitment therapy has some really good stuff on dealing with anger/frustration (I recommend the book Get Out of Your Mind and into Your Life). Learning acceptance and commitment for just this problem is probably overkill, on the other hand its pretty useful for life in general.
Depends on the purpose of the interaction. In general, accept that stupid people exist and that it is not in your power to change them. That viewpoint saves much effort.
One reason they might not be considering you for a higher-level entry is that they are not considering anyone for such a position, because they do not have one to offer. What they need right now is to fill a hole at the level they are offering. They are addressing their needs, not your wants.
How about trying to make some of them less stupid? Educating people through blog articles, lectures or simply informed discussions helped me with the same problem.
In my experience, the overwhelming majority of the time people don’t respond well. Example—people commit the Fallacy of Gray all the time. I haven’t had much success when pointing this out and trying to explain it. But I do agree that it’s something to strive towards.
Does anyone have any tips or advice on how to handle anger and frustration? Particularly anger and frustration from dealing with stupid people. I try to just keep reminding myself that it’s simply an optimization problem.
Have you read “Errors vs. Bugs and the End of Stupidity”?
I have now. I agree that there are more precise ways of labeling people, but I think that generalizations like “x is stupid” are still useful.
Do you mean in casual social situations? Or is this people doing stupid things that directly harm you (e.g an incompetent coworker you still need to rely on; a roommate that keeps destroying stuff)?
Both. But more particularly the second.
Focusing by Eugene T. Gendlin is a good framework of handling emotions.
Dealing with your own emotions as an optimization issue is seldom the best approach.
Sorry, I meant that the situation is an optimization problem. Like I’m trying to get something out of the people.
Here are some different descriptions of a scenario:
That person is stupid.
That person is making a mistake.
That person is not doing what I want them to do.
I and that person are failing to come to terms that would be mutually beneficial to us.
Do these elicit different reactions?
That’s likely your problem.
When the state is genuinely counterproductive to your goals, remind yourself of that while suppressing it. If you’re worried about lashing out and yelling at people, try to redirect your anger towards your irritating endocrine system that was involved in you being angry even though you don’t want to be. Pretending that reductionism implies more than it does is useful: the mantra “just because I’m in a physical state associated with anger doesn’t mean I have to be angry” is pretty good for suppressing reactions.
This still holds when the people in question are harming you, as long as anger is genuinely counterproductive. I used this method when an opposing team was cheating and purposefully running out the clock during a Mock Trial scrimmage. I had every right to be angry, but my anger was only impairing my competitive ability, so I just told myself that I needed to shut down this anger, and even though I had trouble trying to tone down my physical reactions (heart rate), I managed to stay calm and compete well.
If the anger is partially productive, trying to suppress all of it will not work because you are incentivized to fail. Try to suppress the parts that are problematic, and tell yourself things like “I’m allowed to be angry in this situation, but I’m not allowed to have [problem-causing component of anger], because it’s just counterproductive.”
Suppressing emotions is generally unhealthy. Living with suppressed anger is stressful. Either funnel the emotion into action or release it.
My goal is not to live with it, my goal is to remain stable until I can leave the situation. Long-term suppression is bad, but the alternatives to short-term suppression are generally worse.
I have funneled the emotion into action when possible (I am quite possibly the only teenager who configured FileVault in the middle of an angry argument), but sometimes you just need to appear calm.
The Luminosity sequence has some stuff on this, though its been long enough since I read it that I don’t remember the details very well. Acceptance and commitment therapy has some really good stuff on dealing with anger/frustration (I recommend the book Get Out of Your Mind and into Your Life). Learning acceptance and commitment for just this problem is probably overkill, on the other hand its pretty useful for life in general.
Depends on the purpose of the interaction. In general, accept that stupid people exist and that it is not in your power to change them. That viewpoint saves much effort.
Is there anything specific you had in mind?
....
(Redacted.)
Yes.
One reason they might not be considering you for a higher-level entry is that they are not considering anyone for such a position, because they do not have one to offer. What they need right now is to fill a hole at the level they are offering. They are addressing their needs, not your wants.
How about trying to make some of them less stupid? Educating people through blog articles, lectures or simply informed discussions helped me with the same problem.
In my experience, the overwhelming majority of the time people don’t respond well. Example—people commit the Fallacy of Gray all the time. I haven’t had much success when pointing this out and trying to explain it. But I do agree that it’s something to strive towards.
Try to figure out a way to kill them and get away with it. It will distract you from your anger.