Don’t know what will work for others, but my fix for neediness was to hole up in the attic of my parents’ house, shut myself in for a few weeks and concentrate hard on the idea that nobody owes me anything. I tried to make it sink in as deep as I could.
At first it felt pretty bad. A world where people didn’t owe me stuff didn’t seem worth living in. But after a week or two of this intense concentration for hours every day, it started feeling more normal. And shortly after that, I began to realize (just as deeply) that I don’t owe people stuff either, and this new world offered hella opportunities for fun.
That’s when I left the attic. Very quickly I discovered that I had magical new superpowers, like telling someone “no” and laughing in their face. My old problems got replaced with exciting new ones, like some girl’s boyfriend calling me up and threatening to “find me”. At some point I threw away my old phone and contact list, got a new one and it filled up with surprising speed. Some of the new people were annoying, so my blacklist started growing as well. I’d never needed a blacklist before.
Not sure it’ll work for anyone besides me, so I’ll just do a comment.
The story went like this. Several nasty things happened in one week: we split up with my first gf after a 7 year relationship (mostly due to my neediness), the company I worked at went bankrupt, I lost my apartment, and my grandmother died in the hospice as I watched. That wouldn’t bother a stable person much, but 23 year old me also wasn’t a very stable person. When my mind started giving me persistent thoughts about self-harm, I said “nope” and decided to try self-modification first. The idea that external people/events are responsible for my well-being seemed like the obvious culprit, so I set about changing that. I holed up in my parents’ attic and spent hours every day reading books and formulating phrases, then more hours painstakingly holding these phrases in my mind. “Nobody owes you anything” was an especially strong phrase. “Never guilt trip anyone” was also important.
I didn’t have any guidelines for the whole procedure, it felt weird and dangerous, but somehow right. Anyway, after a few weeks I finished it with no ill effects. My needy behavior went away for good (this was 12 years ago). I also lost almost all sense of fear for awhile. Eventually it came back, but in the meantime (3-4 years) I got enough “young fun” to last a few lifetimes and set up the perfect social life for myself. At 35, I think my 23 year old self did a surprisingly good job.
Of course it could’ve gone badly. Any such procedure comes with a large risk of self-harm. But my mind gave me a choice between that or certain self-harm. If your situation is less dire, don’t try this!
Several nasty things happened in one week: we split up with my first gf after a 7 year relationship (mostly due to my neediness), the company I worked at went bankrupt, I lost my apartment, and my grandmother died in the hospice as I watched. That wouldn’t bother a stable person much, but 23 year old me also wasn’t a very stable person.
Jesus, whoever these “stable people” you speak of are, I’d like to meet them. I don’t think I know a single person who wouldn’t crack in such a situation.
Don’t know what will work for others, but my fix for neediness was to hole up in the attic of my parents’ house, shut myself in for a few weeks and concentrate hard on the idea that nobody owes me anything. I tried to make it sink in as deep as I could.
At first it felt pretty bad. A world where people didn’t owe me stuff didn’t seem worth living in. But after a week or two of this intense concentration for hours every day, it started feeling more normal. And shortly after that, I began to realize (just as deeply) that I don’t owe people stuff either, and this new world offered hella opportunities for fun.
That’s when I left the attic. Very quickly I discovered that I had magical new superpowers, like telling someone “no” and laughing in their face. My old problems got replaced with exciting new ones, like some girl’s boyfriend calling me up and threatening to “find me”. At some point I threw away my old phone and contact list, got a new one and it filled up with surprising speed. Some of the new people were annoying, so my blacklist started growing as well. I’d never needed a blacklist before.
I’d be interested in a more in-depth post about this!
Not sure it’ll work for anyone besides me, so I’ll just do a comment.
The story went like this. Several nasty things happened in one week: we split up with my first gf after a 7 year relationship (mostly due to my neediness), the company I worked at went bankrupt, I lost my apartment, and my grandmother died in the hospice as I watched. That wouldn’t bother a stable person much, but 23 year old me also wasn’t a very stable person. When my mind started giving me persistent thoughts about self-harm, I said “nope” and decided to try self-modification first. The idea that external people/events are responsible for my well-being seemed like the obvious culprit, so I set about changing that. I holed up in my parents’ attic and spent hours every day reading books and formulating phrases, then more hours painstakingly holding these phrases in my mind. “Nobody owes you anything” was an especially strong phrase. “Never guilt trip anyone” was also important.
I didn’t have any guidelines for the whole procedure, it felt weird and dangerous, but somehow right. Anyway, after a few weeks I finished it with no ill effects. My needy behavior went away for good (this was 12 years ago). I also lost almost all sense of fear for awhile. Eventually it came back, but in the meantime (3-4 years) I got enough “young fun” to last a few lifetimes and set up the perfect social life for myself. At 35, I think my 23 year old self did a surprisingly good job.
Of course it could’ve gone badly. Any such procedure comes with a large risk of self-harm. But my mind gave me a choice between that or certain self-harm. If your situation is less dire, don’t try this!
Jesus, whoever these “stable people” you speak of are, I’d like to meet them. I don’t think I know a single person who wouldn’t crack in such a situation.