can I improve my current strategies for getting my needs met?
Sorry, I don’t mean to argue against your comment in any way, but can I just latch on to this to make an unrelated point?
Kaj had a great post some days ago about how you can’t meditate your way out of suffering, because meditation is trying to abstract away from a part of you, and you can’t do that if your reasons for doing that are coming from the same part of you. Something similar is going on here.
“How do I get my needs met?” is certainly the most pressing question to a needy person. But it’s a wrong question, because it’s a restatement of neediness. Any action coming from it will be colored with neediness. It’s like trying to escape a swamp by pulling on your own hair.
The right question is: assuming as an immutable fact that my needs aren’t met, how do I minimize my own self-harm? That’s a heartbreaking question, because even asking it seems to imply you’ll never get warmth from people again. But at least this question isn’t colored with neediness, it doesn’t sabotage itself. You can make progress on it.
A similar re-framing hugely helped me in the past. There was a time when I genuinely did not expect to feel happy or pleasant feelings again. For some reason or another, the approach I ended up taking was, “Given that I’ll never be happy again, how should I act?”
I don’t feel confident suggesting this sort of re-framing to someone in general. I can easily imagine someone being overwhelmed by the idea of never being happy again or never having their needs met by others, and possibly doing something drastic. Though something does feel more complete about this approach. Like cousin_it said, it’s a sort of “break out of the old frame” move.
Ah, that does seem like a fair point. I think which question is most useful depends on individual circumstance, and I’m not sure the “how to get needs met” question necessarily causes the framing problem you mention, but I can definitely imagine cases where your reframe seems more helpful.
Sorry, I don’t mean to argue against your comment in any way, but can I just latch on to this to make an unrelated point?
Kaj had a great post some days ago about how you can’t meditate your way out of suffering, because meditation is trying to abstract away from a part of you, and you can’t do that if your reasons for doing that are coming from the same part of you. Something similar is going on here.
“How do I get my needs met?” is certainly the most pressing question to a needy person. But it’s a wrong question, because it’s a restatement of neediness. Any action coming from it will be colored with neediness. It’s like trying to escape a swamp by pulling on your own hair.
The right question is: assuming as an immutable fact that my needs aren’t met, how do I minimize my own self-harm? That’s a heartbreaking question, because even asking it seems to imply you’ll never get warmth from people again. But at least this question isn’t colored with neediness, it doesn’t sabotage itself. You can make progress on it.
A similar re-framing hugely helped me in the past. There was a time when I genuinely did not expect to feel happy or pleasant feelings again. For some reason or another, the approach I ended up taking was, “Given that I’ll never be happy again, how should I act?”
I don’t feel confident suggesting this sort of re-framing to someone in general. I can easily imagine someone being overwhelmed by the idea of never being happy again or never having their needs met by others, and possibly doing something drastic. Though something does feel more complete about this approach. Like cousin_it said, it’s a sort of “break out of the old frame” move.
Ah, that does seem like a fair point. I think which question is most useful depends on individual circumstance, and I’m not sure the “how to get needs met” question necessarily causes the framing problem you mention, but I can definitely imagine cases where your reframe seems more helpful.