Withholding an apology as leverage for anything comes across as very hostile and defeats the point of the apology if it’s eventually given.
It did cross my mind that apologizing first, and then saying “could you answer some questions to help me figure out how far off my initial intuitions about you were, and how they went wrong” might be more interpersonally effective. Perplexed could always resurrect a critical opinion after hearing komponisto’s answers.
Additionally, a heuristic I can’t quite identify is telling me it smells like a trap, designed to elucidate answers which could be used out of context in an attack.
Maybe, but I think a more parsimonious and charitable explanation is that Perplexed is trying to find a way to update in a phased way while still saving face. I think the first goal is laudable (and I hope I don’t jinx it by making this comment), but the means may still be a little frustrating for komponisto.
jimrandomh said:
It did cross my mind that apologizing first, and then saying “could you answer some questions to help me figure out how far off my initial intuitions about you were, and how they went wrong” might be more interpersonally effective. Perplexed could always resurrect a critical opinion after hearing komponisto’s answers.
Maybe, but I think a more parsimonious and charitable explanation is that Perplexed is trying to find a way to update in a phased way while still saving face. I think the first goal is laudable (and I hope I don’t jinx it by making this comment), but the means may still be a little frustrating for komponisto.