Introspection? I try to avoid that, and I think I have a pretty good reason. I don’t like to do introspection because I don’t like what I find.
When I query my brain for what I ultimately want out of life, the answer that comes back is “I want to die.” And it’s not that I’m particularly unhappy at the moment; “death” seems to feel like a kind of freedom, freedom from all the annoying things that other people insist that I do (and I can’t justify saying “no” to) and all the annoying things that I have to do to maintain this body, such as eat and go to the bathroom, freedom from, as Shakespeare put it, “the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks / That flesh is heir to”. The emotion I feel most strongly when I contemplate the state of being dead is not fear, not sadness, but relief—and that scares me. I don’t think I ought to want to die. And if I did die, that would make many people who know me very sad, and I definitely don’t want that. So I haven’t killed myself yet; I’m waiting for my parents to die first. And until then, I just waste time doing nothing in particular.
I want to point out the contraction between you saying introspection says “die” and the fact that you, having reflected on this, deciding not to do “introspection” because doing so leads to the thought that dying would be good and you don’t want to die. If you could change yourself such that doing “introspection” didn’t lead to the thought of death would you? The fact you haven’t killed yourself suggests that you’re not actually introspecting on your true values, just some unhappy subset thereof (or perhaps, introspecting with your true values on an incomplete subset of the data you have about the quality of your life/the universe).
Also, if I promise to spend 5 minutes crying upon notice of your death, will you not kill yourself in order to spare me the unpleasantness?
I want to point out the contraction between you saying introspection says “die” and the fact that you, having reflected on this, deciding not to do “introspection” because doing so leads to the thought that dying would be good and you don’t want to die. If you could change yourself such that doing “introspection” didn’t lead to the thought of death would you?
Probably.
The fact you haven’t killed yourself suggests that you’re not actually introspecting on your true values, just some unhappy subset thereof (or perhaps, introspecting with your true values on an incomplete subset of the data you have about the quality of your life/the universe).
I currently have compelling reasons to refrain from killing myself, regardless of my general lack of personal interest in continued existence. Alas, like so many other things, the peace of the grave is denied to me.
Also, if I promise to spend 5 minutes crying upon notice of your death, will you not kill yourself in order to spare me the unpleasantness?
I don’t expect you to get such notice. You’re just some guy on the internet; if I simply stop posting, you’ll probably never know why. But no, that wouldn’t be enough to dissuade me from implementing Really Extreme Altruism if I ever decided to actually go through with it.
Introspection? I try to avoid that, and I think I have a pretty good reason. I don’t like to do introspection because I don’t like what I find.
When I query my brain for what I ultimately want out of life, the answer that comes back is “I want to die.” And it’s not that I’m particularly unhappy at the moment; “death” seems to feel like a kind of freedom, freedom from all the annoying things that other people insist that I do (and I can’t justify saying “no” to) and all the annoying things that I have to do to maintain this body, such as eat and go to the bathroom, freedom from, as Shakespeare put it, “the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks / That flesh is heir to”. The emotion I feel most strongly when I contemplate the state of being dead is not fear, not sadness, but relief—and that scares me. I don’t think I ought to want to die. And if I did die, that would make many people who know me very sad, and I definitely don’t want that. So I haven’t killed myself yet; I’m waiting for my parents to die first. And until then, I just waste time doing nothing in particular.
Sorry to be so morbid. :(
Umm...
I want to point out the contraction between you saying introspection says “die” and the fact that you, having reflected on this, deciding not to do “introspection” because doing so leads to the thought that dying would be good and you don’t want to die. If you could change yourself such that doing “introspection” didn’t lead to the thought of death would you? The fact you haven’t killed yourself suggests that you’re not actually introspecting on your true values, just some unhappy subset thereof (or perhaps, introspecting with your true values on an incomplete subset of the data you have about the quality of your life/the universe).
Also, if I promise to spend 5 minutes crying upon notice of your death, will you not kill yourself in order to spare me the unpleasantness?
Probably.
I currently have compelling reasons to refrain from killing myself, regardless of my general lack of personal interest in continued existence. Alas, like so many other things, the peace of the grave is denied to me.
I don’t expect you to get such notice. You’re just some guy on the internet; if I simply stop posting, you’ll probably never know why. But no, that wouldn’t be enough to dissuade me from implementing Really Extreme Altruism if I ever decided to actually go through with it.