[I don’t feel like this comment is done, but better to post incomplete things than to not post at all]
As you predicted, my thing was hard. As I predicted, my thing was an interesting experiment and gave me a lot to think about. I think that’s not really in the spirit of Lent, but it was useful for me (she said, demonstrating her perpetual need to justify herself in the face of imagined criticism). Thoughts:
For the most part the thing wasn’t hard because I didn’t notice it happening, it was hard because every time I did it, it felt like in that particular instance the thing I was saying really was true.
One contributing factor to this was that the thing was poorly defined: e.g., does excessive apologizing count as putting myself down? (There were dozens of other edge cases like this that aren’t immediately springing to mind.)
There were situations in which it felt disingenuous to be positive about myself, e.g. meetings with my manager. But maybe the thing is about framing and not objective facts—e.g. I could frame things as opportunities for improvement rather than as ‘shortcomings’, which sounds more like a reflection on my intrinsic worth.
I am pretty confused about to what extent the things that come out of my mouth correspond to actual beliefs I have about myself. They’re more reflexive than reflective.
Something about signaling contributes here, probably. I’m pretty confident that I don’t put myself down in an attempt to get compliments from others, because compliments make me uncomfortable and annoyed and I’d be quite confused if I were subconsciously fishing for them. A more likely source of this is that I really hate disappointing (or otherwise inconveniencing) people and sort of design my entire life to avoid ever doing that. So if I set expectations low (by putting myself down), it means I need to reach a lower bar in order to not disappoint people, which means there’s less pressure on me.
I’m concerned that I failed with abandon, in such a way that I actually made the thing worse by trying. This was a failure mode I didn’t foresee (but should have), where I was like, “well, I failed at my goal of being more positive about myself, I guess I’m a failure.”
Some other notes I wrote at the ~halfway point (7 March):
Not saying negative things about myself (insofar as I’ve actually been doing it) hasn’t had any apparent effect on my sense of self efficacy or self worth. I think some of this is that I’m not vocalizing the negativity but I’m still thinking it. Maybe it would be better to explicitly say positive things rather than avoiding negative ones.
I’m less prone to start messages with “sorry I’m stupid” or things to that effect, but that might just be basic professionalism and not wanting to put other people in a position where they feel like they have to refute the negative things I say about myself.
I still feel like I should be allowed to say things when I feel like they’re objectively true, but of course that defeats the whole purpose.
I think sometimes Oli mistakes me being exhausted for me just having low self-efficacy in general (e.g. I say I “can’t” go do something when what I mean is I’m too tired to do it right now). I think I should be more careful to draw a distinction between those, so I don’t reinforce an image of me as helpless.
Final thought:
Holy **** what’s wrong with me why am I so bad at being positive about myself get it the **** together. I know personal progress is a long and difficult road but sometimes I wonder if just getting a good slap in the face and having someone shout “GET IT TOGETHER” would fix me. Probably not. I guess I have to do the hard thing. Boo.
A more likely source of this is that I really hate disappointing (or otherwise inconveniencing) people and sort of design my entire life to avoid ever doing that.
Holy **** what’s wrong with me why am I so bad at being positive about myself get it the **** together.
mingyuan, it sounds to me like you have a thing, and I think this was not quite the tool for addressing the thing. Some tools that might address the thing, in no particular order: a silent meditation retreat, circling with skilled facilitators, therapy (maybe CBT, DBT, or ACT, but who knows, I ain’t a therapist), an ayahuasca retreat, carefully reading and doing the exercises in the book mentioned in this blog post by Kaj Sotala.
[I don’t feel like this comment is done, but better to post incomplete things than to not post at all]
As you predicted, my thing was hard. As I predicted, my thing was an interesting experiment and gave me a lot to think about. I think that’s not really in the spirit of Lent, but it was useful for me (she said, demonstrating her perpetual need to justify herself in the face of imagined criticism). Thoughts:
For the most part the thing wasn’t hard because I didn’t notice it happening, it was hard because every time I did it, it felt like in that particular instance the thing I was saying really was true.
One contributing factor to this was that the thing was poorly defined: e.g., does excessive apologizing count as putting myself down? (There were dozens of other edge cases like this that aren’t immediately springing to mind.)
There were situations in which it felt disingenuous to be positive about myself, e.g. meetings with my manager. But maybe the thing is about framing and not objective facts—e.g. I could frame things as opportunities for improvement rather than as ‘shortcomings’, which sounds more like a reflection on my intrinsic worth.
I am pretty confused about to what extent the things that come out of my mouth correspond to actual beliefs I have about myself. They’re more reflexive than reflective.
Something about signaling contributes here, probably. I’m pretty confident that I don’t put myself down in an attempt to get compliments from others, because compliments make me uncomfortable and annoyed and I’d be quite confused if I were subconsciously fishing for them. A more likely source of this is that I really hate disappointing (or otherwise inconveniencing) people and sort of design my entire life to avoid ever doing that. So if I set expectations low (by putting myself down), it means I need to reach a lower bar in order to not disappoint people, which means there’s less pressure on me.
I’m concerned that I failed with abandon, in such a way that I actually made the thing worse by trying. This was a failure mode I didn’t foresee (but should have), where I was like, “well, I failed at my goal of being more positive about myself, I guess I’m a failure.”
Some other notes I wrote at the ~halfway point (7 March):
Not saying negative things about myself (insofar as I’ve actually been doing it) hasn’t had any apparent effect on my sense of self efficacy or self worth. I think some of this is that I’m not vocalizing the negativity but I’m still thinking it. Maybe it would be better to explicitly say positive things rather than avoiding negative ones.
I’m less prone to start messages with “sorry I’m stupid” or things to that effect, but that might just be basic professionalism and not wanting to put other people in a position where they feel like they have to refute the negative things I say about myself.
I still feel like I should be allowed to say things when I feel like they’re objectively true, but of course that defeats the whole purpose.
I think sometimes Oli mistakes me being exhausted for me just having low self-efficacy in general (e.g. I say I “can’t” go do something when what I mean is I’m too tired to do it right now). I think I should be more careful to draw a distinction between those, so I don’t reinforce an image of me as helpless.
Final thought:
Holy **** what’s wrong with me why am I so bad at being positive about myself get it the **** together. I know personal progress is a long and difficult road but sometimes I wonder if just getting a good slap in the face and having someone shout “GET IT TOGETHER” would fix me. Probably not. I guess I have to do the hard thing. Boo.
mingyuan, it sounds to me like you have a thing, and I think this was not quite the tool for addressing the thing. Some tools that might address the thing, in no particular order: a silent meditation retreat, circling with skilled facilitators, therapy (maybe CBT, DBT, or ACT, but who knows, I ain’t a therapist), an ayahuasca retreat, carefully reading and doing the exercises in the book mentioned in this blog post by Kaj Sotala.