A more likely source of this is that I really hate disappointing (or otherwise inconveniencing) people and sort of design my entire life to avoid ever doing that.
Holy **** what’s wrong with me why am I so bad at being positive about myself get it the **** together.
mingyuan, it sounds to me like you have a thing, and I think this was not quite the tool for addressing the thing. Some tools that might address the thing, in no particular order: a silent meditation retreat, circling with skilled facilitators, therapy (maybe CBT, DBT, or ACT, but who knows, I ain’t a therapist), an ayahuasca retreat, carefully reading and doing the exercises in the book mentioned in this blog post by Kaj Sotala.
mingyuan, it sounds to me like you have a thing, and I think this was not quite the tool for addressing the thing. Some tools that might address the thing, in no particular order: a silent meditation retreat, circling with skilled facilitators, therapy (maybe CBT, DBT, or ACT, but who knows, I ain’t a therapist), an ayahuasca retreat, carefully reading and doing the exercises in the book mentioned in this blog post by Kaj Sotala.