Does anyone have any tips or strategies for making better social skills habitual? I’m trying to be more friendly, compliment people, avoid outright criticism, and talk more about other people than myself. I can do these things for a while, but I don’t feel them becoming habitual as I would like. Being friendly to people I do not know well is particularly hard, when I’m tired I want to escape interaction with everyone except close friends and family.
This is not an easy-to-implement tip, but my suggestion is to try to get into a mental space where the social things that you’re trying to do are easy / come naturally / are the things that you want to do in the moment.
A person who is naturally friendly, non-critical, and interesting in hearing about you probably did not get that way just by practicing each of those behaviors as habits; they have some deeper motivation/perspective/emotion/something that those behaviors naturally follow from. Try to get in touch with that deeper thing.
One thing that helps with this is noticing when you’ve had the experience of being in a mental space where the things come more naturally (even if only briefly, or only marginally more naturally). Then you can try to get back into that mental space, and take it further.
Another thing that can help is putting yourself in different social situations, including ones that you’re liable to get swept up in (that is, ones that are likely to put you in a different mental space from where you usually are). That can be a quicker way to get some experience being in different modes. Reading books (and watching videos, etc.) can also help, especially if you do things like these as you read them.
It might help to cultivate your curiousity. Who are these people? What are they doing in the moment? What are they good at that you could learn from? Why are they in the same place as you? What are they up to when they are not at the same place as you? What are they enthusiastic about?
Sometimes when I talk to people I don’t know well and I’m not thinking up many comments or questions based on our shared circumstances or environment, I’ll ask some questions like “Have you read any good books lately?” or “What have you been thinking about?” or ask their advice about something.
I think from your question you want to be able to do this even when you’re tired, but part of the solution might be to limit the times when you have to do this when you are tired by scheduling things differently, or making sure you have rested and eaten before you have to be in a social situation, or changing how you select which social events to participate in.
but I don’t feel them becoming habitual as I would like
Have you noticed any improvement? For example, an increase in the amount of time you feel able to be friendly? If so, then be not discouraged! If not, try changing the reward structure.
For example, you can explicitly reward yourself for exceeding thresholds (an hour of non-stop small talk --> extra dark chocolate) or meeting challenges (a friendly conversation with that guy --> watch a light documentary). Start small and easy. Or: Some forms of friendly interaction might be more rewarding than others; persist in those to acclimate yourself to longer periods of socialising.
There’s a lot of literature on self-management out there. If you’re into economics, you might appreciate the approach called picoeconomics:
Caution: In my own experience, building new habits is less about reading theories and more about doing the thing you want to get better at, but it’s disappointingly easy to convince myself that a deep dive into the literature is somehow just as good; your experience may be similar (or it may not).
I’m going to come at this from a different angle than the others, I think. I don’t claim it will work or be easy as I really identify with you question—changing myself should be easy (I control my brain, right? I make my decisions, right?) but find that reinventing me int the person I’d rather be than who I am is a real challenge.
We can all try making our selves to X and though effort and repetition make it something of a habit. I think that works better for the young (no idea of your age). But at some point in life the habits, and especially the mental and emotional (which probably means physiological chemical processes that drive these states) hae become near hardwired. So, what I’ll call the brute force approach—just keep practicing—faces the problem of relative proportions. Behavoural characteristics we’ve developed over 20, 30 40 years (or more) will have a lot more weigh than the efforts to act differently for a few years (assuming one keeps up at the change myself routine).
Maybe at some point more effort in looking at “why am I acting like X” is as important just the effort to act differently. Perhaps to develop a new habbit will be easier than changing old habits. But if the new habbit then serves as a feedback into the old habit we setup a type of interupt for the initial impulse to behave in a way we would rather change. That might help break the old habits we don’t want but have reinforced to the point they are no longer just habits we display but actually more “who we are”.
So, this is off the cuff thinking to so very likely has some gapping holes!
NVC will keep you aware of what takes you out of the habit, vulnerability will keep you oh track to a different strategy. And search inside yourself will encourage practice on the topic of being thoughtful and caring of the people around you.
Does anyone have any tips or strategies for making better social skills habitual? I’m trying to be more friendly, compliment people, avoid outright criticism, and talk more about other people than myself. I can do these things for a while, but I don’t feel them becoming habitual as I would like. Being friendly to people I do not know well is particularly hard, when I’m tired I want to escape interaction with everyone except close friends and family.
This is not an easy-to-implement tip, but my suggestion is to try to get into a mental space where the social things that you’re trying to do are easy / come naturally / are the things that you want to do in the moment.
A person who is naturally friendly, non-critical, and interesting in hearing about you probably did not get that way just by practicing each of those behaviors as habits; they have some deeper motivation/perspective/emotion/something that those behaviors naturally follow from. Try to get in touch with that deeper thing.
One thing that helps with this is noticing when you’ve had the experience of being in a mental space where the things come more naturally (even if only briefly, or only marginally more naturally). Then you can try to get back into that mental space, and take it further.
Another thing that can help is putting yourself in different social situations, including ones that you’re liable to get swept up in (that is, ones that are likely to put you in a different mental space from where you usually are). That can be a quicker way to get some experience being in different modes. Reading books (and watching videos, etc.) can also help, especially if you do things like these as you read them.
It might help to cultivate your curiousity. Who are these people? What are they doing in the moment? What are they good at that you could learn from? Why are they in the same place as you? What are they up to when they are not at the same place as you? What are they enthusiastic about?
Sometimes when I talk to people I don’t know well and I’m not thinking up many comments or questions based on our shared circumstances or environment, I’ll ask some questions like “Have you read any good books lately?” or “What have you been thinking about?” or ask their advice about something.
I think from your question you want to be able to do this even when you’re tired, but part of the solution might be to limit the times when you have to do this when you are tired by scheduling things differently, or making sure you have rested and eaten before you have to be in a social situation, or changing how you select which social events to participate in.
Have you noticed any improvement? For example, an increase in the amount of time you feel able to be friendly? If so, then be not discouraged! If not, try changing the reward structure.
For example, you can explicitly reward yourself for exceeding thresholds (an hour of non-stop small talk --> extra dark chocolate) or meeting challenges (a friendly conversation with that guy --> watch a light documentary). Start small and easy. Or: Some forms of friendly interaction might be more rewarding than others; persist in those to acclimate yourself to longer periods of socialising.
There’s a lot of literature on self-management out there. If you’re into economics, you might appreciate the approach called picoeconomics:
http://www.picoeconomics.org
George Ainslie), picoecon pioneer
Old LW piece
Caution: In my own experience, building new habits is less about reading theories and more about doing the thing you want to get better at, but it’s disappointingly easy to convince myself that a deep dive into the literature is somehow just as good; your experience may be similar (or it may not).
I’m going to come at this from a different angle than the others, I think. I don’t claim it will work or be easy as I really identify with you question—changing myself should be easy (I control my brain, right? I make my decisions, right?) but find that reinventing me int the person I’d rather be than who I am is a real challenge.
There was another post here on LW, http://kajsotala.fi/2017/09/debiasing-by-rationalizing-your-own-motives/ that I think might have value in this contex as well as the one it takes for the post.
We can all try making our selves to X and though effort and repetition make it something of a habit. I think that works better for the young (no idea of your age). But at some point in life the habits, and especially the mental and emotional (which probably means physiological chemical processes that drive these states) hae become near hardwired. So, what I’ll call the brute force approach—just keep practicing—faces the problem of relative proportions. Behavoural characteristics we’ve developed over 20, 30 40 years (or more) will have a lot more weigh than the efforts to act differently for a few years (assuming one keeps up at the change myself routine).
Maybe at some point more effort in looking at “why am I acting like X” is as important just the effort to act differently. Perhaps to develop a new habbit will be easier than changing old habits. But if the new habbit then serves as a feedback into the old habit we setup a type of interupt for the initial impulse to behave in a way we would rather change. That might help break the old habits we don’t want but have reinforced to the point they are no longer just habits we display but actually more “who we are”.
So, this is off the cuff thinking to so very likely has some gapping holes!
I have some research that will help you on your quest to make it more easy for you to do the thing.
Nvc https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc (and accompanying books)
Daring greatly—brene Brown (book) brief review—https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o
Search inside yourself—book (mindfulness)
NVC will keep you aware of what takes you out of the habit, vulnerability will keep you oh track to a different strategy. And search inside yourself will encourage practice on the topic of being thoughtful and caring of the people around you.
In this order.