I think many people view friendship as a form of alliance. Ally friends perform favors for each other as a way to tie tighter bonds between them and signal that their goals are aligned. I want to bake you a cake for exactly $0 because baking a cake will help you and I want what’s best for you so helping you directly helps me. So in the future, after I bake you your cake, you of course will drive me to the airport because that would help me and you want what’s best for me right? It’s not a direct scratch-my-back-and I’ll-scratch-yours exchange of favors, it’s developing a strong alliance between our interests. We can then rely on that alliance for mutual assistance in the future. The two most common danger ally-friends are on the lookout for are 1) over-reliance by their friend; and 2) mere burden shifting from their friend.
Over-reliance is when Bob always asks his lawyer friend Alice for legal advice and for her opinion on complicated topics. Alice spends hours of her time (that she could otherwise use to bill $400/hour) on these favors yet Bob doesn’t provide her even half of the value that she gives him. Bob’s reliance on Alice is still efficient, it’s much easier for her to do the legal research than him, but Bob is not putting in enough to get what Alice is giving him. Alice will eventually grow resentful of Bob and stop doing favors for him entirely.
Burden shifting is when Alice and Bob are both friends of equal cooking ability yet Alice still asks Bob to cook her cakes. The amount of effort expended by either to make the cake is exactly the same so Alice having Bob cook is no more efficient for the alliance than if she cooked the cake herself. Bob notices this and asks why Alice doesn’t cook the cake herself. If Alice can convince him that somehow it is more efficient for Bob to cook the cake the alliance can continue. If Bob can’t be convinced he will stop cooking cakes because why the hell was he even cooking them in the first place?
But attempts to pay an ally friend for their favors is a whole other unexpected issue that can even seem like betrayal. Ally friends would dislike your way of offering them money in exchange for a favor because that would imply that when they seek a favor from you, you would expect money in return! Then to them there never was any alliance between you at all. From their perspective, you offering them money in exchange for a favor is tantamount to admitting that you were actually just pretending to be their friend the whole time.
I think this is getting at an important distinction. The question I would be asking is “what’s the BATNA” (best alternative to a negotiated agreement)? If Bob is going to pay someone to do a task, asking a friend for their cheerful price makes sense. If Bob is otherwise going to do the task himself, or leave it undone, then it doesn’t.
In cases where it is customary to pay a stranger to complete a task (Legal advice, web design, drive to the airport, even baking a cake or DJing a party) asking for someone’s “cheerful price” builds up the relationship because it shows respect for the time the other invested to acquire their skill (or at least acknowledges the inconvenience of the request.
In cases where it is not normal to pay a stranger (turning down their music, sanitizing a package—wtf!, etc.) bringing cash into the relationship damages it
There are a bunch of other things (washing the dishes, picking up lunch, doing laundry) that could fall into either of the above categories, depending on the norms of the group.
I think many people view friendship as a form of alliance. Ally friends perform favors for each other as a way to tie tighter bonds between them and signal that their goals are aligned. I want to bake you a cake for exactly $0 because baking a cake will help you and I want what’s best for you so helping you directly helps me. So in the future, after I bake you your cake, you of course will drive me to the airport because that would help me and you want what’s best for me right? It’s not a direct scratch-my-back-and I’ll-scratch-yours exchange of favors, it’s developing a strong alliance between our interests. We can then rely on that alliance for mutual assistance in the future. The two most common danger ally-friends are on the lookout for are 1) over-reliance by their friend; and 2) mere burden shifting from their friend.
Over-reliance is when Bob always asks his lawyer friend Alice for legal advice and for her opinion on complicated topics. Alice spends hours of her time (that she could otherwise use to bill $400/hour) on these favors yet Bob doesn’t provide her even half of the value that she gives him. Bob’s reliance on Alice is still efficient, it’s much easier for her to do the legal research than him, but Bob is not putting in enough to get what Alice is giving him. Alice will eventually grow resentful of Bob and stop doing favors for him entirely.
Burden shifting is when Alice and Bob are both friends of equal cooking ability yet Alice still asks Bob to cook her cakes. The amount of effort expended by either to make the cake is exactly the same so Alice having Bob cook is no more efficient for the alliance than if she cooked the cake herself. Bob notices this and asks why Alice doesn’t cook the cake herself. If Alice can convince him that somehow it is more efficient for Bob to cook the cake the alliance can continue. If Bob can’t be convinced he will stop cooking cakes because why the hell was he even cooking them in the first place?
But attempts to pay an ally friend for their favors is a whole other unexpected issue that can even seem like betrayal. Ally friends would dislike your way of offering them money in exchange for a favor because that would imply that when they seek a favor from you, you would expect money in return! Then to them there never was any alliance between you at all. From their perspective, you offering them money in exchange for a favor is tantamount to admitting that you were actually just pretending to be their friend the whole time.
I think this is getting at an important distinction. The question I would be asking is “what’s the BATNA” (best alternative to a negotiated agreement)? If Bob is going to pay someone to do a task, asking a friend for their cheerful price makes sense. If Bob is otherwise going to do the task himself, or leave it undone, then it doesn’t.
In cases where it is customary to pay a stranger to complete a task (Legal advice, web design, drive to the airport, even baking a cake or DJing a party) asking for someone’s “cheerful price” builds up the relationship because it shows respect for the time the other invested to acquire their skill (or at least acknowledges the inconvenience of the request.
In cases where it is not normal to pay a stranger (turning down their music, sanitizing a package—wtf!, etc.) bringing cash into the relationship damages it
There are a bunch of other things (washing the dishes, picking up lunch, doing laundry) that could fall into either of the above categories, depending on the norms of the group.