The problem is, if a conversational topic can be hurtful, the meta-topic can be too. “do you want to talk about the test” could be as bad or worse than talking about the test, if it’s taken as a reference to a judgement-worthy sensitivity to the topic. And “Can I ask you if you want to talk about whether you want to talk about the test” is just silly.
Mr-hire’s comment is spot-on—there are variant cultural expectations that may apply, and you can’t really unilaterally decide another norm is better (though you can have opinions and default stances).
The only way through is to be somewhat aware of the conversational signals about what topics are welcome and what should be deferred until another time. You don’t need prior agreement if you can take the hint when an unusually-brief non-response is given to your conversational bid. If you’re routinely missing hints (or seeing hints that aren’t), and the more direct discussions are ALSO uncomfortable for them or you, then you’ll probably have to give up on that level of connection with that person.
“do you want to talk about the test” could be as bad or worse than talking about the test, if it’s taken as a reference to a judgement-worthy sensitivity to the topic
I agree. Although if you are known for asking those types of questions maybe people will learn to understand you never mean it as a judgement.
And “Can I ask you if you want to talk about whether you want to talk about the test” is just silly.
True, although I’ll usually take silly over judgement any day. :)
The problem is, if a conversational topic can be hurtful, the meta-topic can be too. “do you want to talk about the test” could be as bad or worse than talking about the test, if it’s taken as a reference to a judgement-worthy sensitivity to the topic. And “Can I ask you if you want to talk about whether you want to talk about the test” is just silly.
Mr-hire’s comment is spot-on—there are variant cultural expectations that may apply, and you can’t really unilaterally decide another norm is better (though you can have opinions and default stances).
The only way through is to be somewhat aware of the conversational signals about what topics are welcome and what should be deferred until another time. You don’t need prior agreement if you can take the hint when an unusually-brief non-response is given to your conversational bid. If you’re routinely missing hints (or seeing hints that aren’t), and the more direct discussions are ALSO uncomfortable for them or you, then you’ll probably have to give up on that level of connection with that person.
I agree. Although if you are known for asking those types of questions maybe people will learn to understand you never mean it as a judgement.
True, although I’ll usually take silly over judgement any day. :)