Indeed. And will be fully justified in feeling insulted; after all, that lie communicates the sentiment “I think there’s a non-trivial possibility that you will turn hostile/abusive/violent if I reject your advances”. I’d sure feel insulted at having such a sentiment expressed toward me.
There’s a lot of possibilities here, which are potentially less insulting. To add some:
If she reveals the true reasons for rejecting him, then he might might express judgmentalness about them, or some other reaction which is negative, but not actually hostile/abusive/violent.
If she reveals the true reasons for rejecting him, he might briefly express an emotional reaction that he regrets later.
If she reveals the true reasons for rejecting him, then he might not understand and ask for an explanation, which could result in discomfort, or her needed to reveal information that she doesn’t want to reveal.
If she reveals the true reasons for rejecting him, then he might try to change the situation to have her change her mind. If she doesn’t want him to try to change her mind, then it might be better to not let him think that he might be able to.
If she reveals the true reasons for rejection him, he might take it too hard and develop unwarranted insecurities in the future.
(I am using she and he to be consistent with ChrisHallquist’s example, though I believe that these concerns apply to rejection in other gender combinations).
In my experience, and hearing the experience of friends and partners, there are plenty of good reason to anticipate a non-graceful response to hearing someone’s “true rejection” in a sexual or romantic context. Most of these reactions will be more in the embarrassing/awkward category, rather than hostile/abusive/violent. Even if there is a low probability that a given person will react ungracefully, the negative utility of that reaction might be sufficiently high that the expected value of revealing the truth is low.
For these reasons, I would not automatically be offended if someone won’t tell me the truth about why they are rejecting me, and I won’t take it as perceiving me to be untrustworthy, hostile, abusive, or violent. Of course, I would prefer to hear the truth; I just don’t expect it, and I accept that I may never find it out.
This matches my experience from the female side of the situation—except that I’ll add that a lying rejection doesn’t necessarily represent explicit thought. Subjectively, it can be like a feeling or a reflex.
This doesn’t mean I think it’s genetically innate, but I do think it can be learned so early and subtly that it seems like the obvious thing to do.
There’s a lot of possibilities here, which are potentially less insulting. To add some:
If she reveals the true reasons for rejecting him, then he might might express judgmentalness about them, or some other reaction which is negative, but not actually hostile/abusive/violent.
If she reveals the true reasons for rejecting him, he might briefly express an emotional reaction that he regrets later.
If she reveals the true reasons for rejecting him, then he might not understand and ask for an explanation, which could result in discomfort, or her needed to reveal information that she doesn’t want to reveal.
If she reveals the true reasons for rejecting him, then he might try to change the situation to have her change her mind. If she doesn’t want him to try to change her mind, then it might be better to not let him think that he might be able to.
If she reveals the true reasons for rejection him, he might take it too hard and develop unwarranted insecurities in the future.
(I am using she and he to be consistent with ChrisHallquist’s example, though I believe that these concerns apply to rejection in other gender combinations).
In my experience, and hearing the experience of friends and partners, there are plenty of good reason to anticipate a non-graceful response to hearing someone’s “true rejection” in a sexual or romantic context. Most of these reactions will be more in the embarrassing/awkward category, rather than hostile/abusive/violent. Even if there is a low probability that a given person will react ungracefully, the negative utility of that reaction might be sufficiently high that the expected value of revealing the truth is low.
For these reasons, I would not automatically be offended if someone won’t tell me the truth about why they are rejecting me, and I won’t take it as perceiving me to be untrustworthy, hostile, abusive, or violent. Of course, I would prefer to hear the truth; I just don’t expect it, and I accept that I may never find it out.
This matches my experience from the female side of the situation—except that I’ll add that a lying rejection doesn’t necessarily represent explicit thought. Subjectively, it can be like a feeling or a reflex.
This doesn’t mean I think it’s genetically innate, but I do think it can be learned so early and subtly that it seems like the obvious thing to do.