My impression of the alternative view is that relationships should be viewed as unconditional expressions of solidarity. Rather like a TV show where no matter the situation, friendship always hangs together. But this seems strange and arbitrary. Why should I show unconditional solidarity with A as opposed to B? I certainly can’t do it with both, because A and B hate each other! And even in the most idealistic TV show, transactional analysis is never far away—I’ll be there for you, ’cos you’re there for me too. In the real world, maintaining relationships is costly, and we need to protect ourselves from freeloaders and PD-defection.
My mental model says that the anti-transactional side is a mixture of:
Hippies who really do think that Cooperate-Bot wins over Tit-for-Tat.
People wishing to signal co-operation.
People who think “transactional” only applies to short-term transactions, and would happily view my model as appropriate.
But all of this posits no rational opposition to my own viewpoint, which is very convenient for me, and not very charitable! So that’s why I am asking, to educate myself, and to get a better idea of what other people mean when they say that you shouldn’t view relationships as transactional.
People who think “transactional” only applies to short-term transactions, and would happily view my model as appropriate.
Close, but not fully there. The point of a transaction is that the debt is to be paid fairly quickly and it is desired that a state is reached quickly where debts are cleared and thus both are “free”, free of obligations, and the parties do not owe each other anything, and thus can decide without obligations whether they want to go on or not. This makes it fairly obviously short-term transactions.
Relationalism is where there is no desire to be free from obligations, no desire to be able to choose any time to end it. Thus debts are not accounted for, just both do what the other wants and it takes as long as they are both happy with what they get and give.
The most tangible difference is in the accounting. In a restaurant you pay for every meal and every time you hand over money it is perfectly which meal you paid for (the recent one, although you could in theory agree in a weekly billing or something), there is a clear accounting what meal is paid and thus the transaction is closed and what is still open because unpaid (or if pre-paid, then undelivered).
A relational version would be constantly supporting someone with money where and if the person needs it, and and the person cooks for you when and if you both feel like, but you do not account for which money is earmarked for which meal. It is more like you continue the relationship as long you feel like the SUM(money out) compares well to the SUM (meals in).
Many relationships involve relationship-specific investments—in which case, the kind of “insurance” you’re talking about actually makes a lot of sense. You don’t want the other party to break the relationship off on a whim, so you expect them to make some implied pre-commitment or you wouldn’t even get involved in the first place. This is a kind of cooperation, in that you’re solving a coordination problem, but in practice it works more like a Stag Hunt than a PD. Because as long as the relationship works and the stakes are reasonably equal, there’s no reason to deviate.
My impression of the alternative view is that relationships should be viewed as unconditional expressions of solidarity. Rather like a TV show where no matter the situation, friendship always hangs together.
Do you think that the view that the person who made the statement you quote holds? Do you think that’s how they see relationships?
My impression of the alternative view is that relationships should be viewed as unconditional expressions of solidarity. Rather like a TV show where no matter the situation, friendship always hangs together. But this seems strange and arbitrary. Why should I show unconditional solidarity with A as opposed to B? I certainly can’t do it with both, because A and B hate each other! And even in the most idealistic TV show, transactional analysis is never far away—I’ll be there for you, ’cos you’re there for me too. In the real world, maintaining relationships is costly, and we need to protect ourselves from freeloaders and PD-defection.
My mental model says that the anti-transactional side is a mixture of:
Hippies who really do think that Cooperate-Bot wins over Tit-for-Tat.
People wishing to signal co-operation.
People who think “transactional” only applies to short-term transactions, and would happily view my model as appropriate.
But all of this posits no rational opposition to my own viewpoint, which is very convenient for me, and not very charitable! So that’s why I am asking, to educate myself, and to get a better idea of what other people mean when they say that you shouldn’t view relationships as transactional.
Close, but not fully there. The point of a transaction is that the debt is to be paid fairly quickly and it is desired that a state is reached quickly where debts are cleared and thus both are “free”, free of obligations, and the parties do not owe each other anything, and thus can decide without obligations whether they want to go on or not. This makes it fairly obviously short-term transactions.
Relationalism is where there is no desire to be free from obligations, no desire to be able to choose any time to end it. Thus debts are not accounted for, just both do what the other wants and it takes as long as they are both happy with what they get and give.
The most tangible difference is in the accounting. In a restaurant you pay for every meal and every time you hand over money it is perfectly which meal you paid for (the recent one, although you could in theory agree in a weekly billing or something), there is a clear accounting what meal is paid and thus the transaction is closed and what is still open because unpaid (or if pre-paid, then undelivered).
A relational version would be constantly supporting someone with money where and if the person needs it, and and the person cooks for you when and if you both feel like, but you do not account for which money is earmarked for which meal. It is more like you continue the relationship as long you feel like the SUM(money out) compares well to the SUM (meals in).
Many relationships involve relationship-specific investments—in which case, the kind of “insurance” you’re talking about actually makes a lot of sense. You don’t want the other party to break the relationship off on a whim, so you expect them to make some implied pre-commitment or you wouldn’t even get involved in the first place. This is a kind of cooperation, in that you’re solving a coordination problem, but in practice it works more like a Stag Hunt than a PD. Because as long as the relationship works and the stakes are reasonably equal, there’s no reason to deviate.
Do you think that the view that the person who made the statement you quote holds? Do you think that’s how they see relationships?