You don’t need to be angry to hit someone, or to spread gossip, or to otherwise retaliate against them.
If you’re not angry, what would motivate you to do any of those things? If someone injures me in some way or takes something that I wanted, usually neither hitting them nor spreading gossip about them will in any way help me repair my injury or get back what they took from me. So I don’t. Unless I’m angry, in which case it kind of just happens, and then I regret it because it usually makes the situation worse.
If you’re not angry, what would motivate you to do any of those things?
Put simply, sometimes displaying a strong emotional response (genuine or otherwise) is the only way to convince someone that you’re serious about something. This seems to be particularly true when dealing with people who aren’t inclined to use more ‘intellectual’ communication methods.
Put simply, sometimes displaying a strong emotional response (genuine or otherwise) is the only way to convince someone that you’re serious about something. This seems to be particularly true when dealing with people who aren’t inclined to use more ‘intellectual’ communication methods.
I think you’re right. Mind you as someone who is interested in communication that doesn’t involve control via strong emotional responses I most definitely don’t reward bad behaviour by giving the other what they want. This applies especially if they use the aggressive tactics of the kind mentioned here. I treat those as attacks and respond in such a way as to discourage any further aggression by them or other witnesses.
This is not to say I don’t care about the other’s experience or desires, nor does it mean that a strong emotional response will rule out me giving them what they want. If the other is someone that I care about I will encourage them towards expressions that actually might work for getting me to give them what they want. I’ll guide them towards asking me for something and perhaps telling me why it matters to them. This is more effective than making demands or attempting to emotionally control.
I’m far more generous than I am vulnerable to dominance attempts and I’m actually willing to consciously make myself vulnerable to personal requests to just behind the line of being an outright weakness because I have a strong preference for that mode of communication. Mind you even this tends to be strongly conditional on a certain degree of reciprocation.
Point being that I agree with the sometimes qualifier; the benefit to such displays (genuine or otherwise) is highly variable. We also have the ability to influence whether people make such displays to us. Partly by the incentive they have and partly by simple screening.
Seems true. Nevertheless I’ve never used it in this way. This may have more to do with my personality than anything: from what I’ve read here, I’m more of a conformist than the average Less Wrong reader, and I put a higher value on social harmony. I hate arguments that turn personal and emotional.
I might hit someone because they’re pointing a gun at me and I believe hitting them is the most efficient way to disarm them. I might hit someone because they did something dangerous and I believe hitting them is the most efficient way to condition them out of that behavior. I might spread gossip about them because they are using their social status in dangerous ways and I believe gossiping about them is the best available way of reducing their status.
None of those cases require anger, and they might even make the situation better. (Or they might not.)
Or, less nobly, I might hit someone because they have $100 I want, and I think that’s the most efficient way to rob them. I might spread gossip about them because we’re both up for the same promotion and I want to reduce their chance of getting it.
None of those cases require anger, either. (And, hey, they might make the situation better, too. Or they might not.)
I suppose the context of my comment was limited to a) me personally (I don’t have any desire to steal money or reduce other people’s chances of promotion) and b) to the situations I have encountered in the past (no guns or danger involved). Your points are very valid though.
If you’re not angry, what would motivate you to do any of those things?
If you are dealing with someone in your social circle, or can be seen by someone in your social circle and you want to build or maintain a reputation as someone it is not wise to cross. Even if it’s more or less a one shot game, if you make a point of not being a doormat it is likely to impact your self-image, which will impact your behaviour, which will impact how others treat you.
Even if in the short run retaliating helps nobody and slightly harms you, it can be worth it for repuatational and self-concept reasons.
Point taken. I am a doormat. People have told me this over and over again, so I probably have a reputation as a doormat, but that has certain value in itself; I have a reputation as someone who is dependable, loyal, and does whatever is asked of me, which is useful in a work context.
If you’re not angry, what would motivate you to do any of those things? If someone injures me in some way or takes something that I wanted, usually neither hitting them nor spreading gossip about them will in any way help me repair my injury or get back what they took from me. So I don’t. Unless I’m angry, in which case it kind of just happens, and then I regret it because it usually makes the situation worse.
Put simply, sometimes displaying a strong emotional response (genuine or otherwise) is the only way to convince someone that you’re serious about something. This seems to be particularly true when dealing with people who aren’t inclined to use more ‘intellectual’ communication methods.
I think you’re right. Mind you as someone who is interested in communication that doesn’t involve control via strong emotional responses I most definitely don’t reward bad behaviour by giving the other what they want. This applies especially if they use the aggressive tactics of the kind mentioned here. I treat those as attacks and respond in such a way as to discourage any further aggression by them or other witnesses.
This is not to say I don’t care about the other’s experience or desires, nor does it mean that a strong emotional response will rule out me giving them what they want. If the other is someone that I care about I will encourage them towards expressions that actually might work for getting me to give them what they want. I’ll guide them towards asking me for something and perhaps telling me why it matters to them. This is more effective than making demands or attempting to emotionally control.
I’m far more generous than I am vulnerable to dominance attempts and I’m actually willing to consciously make myself vulnerable to personal requests to just behind the line of being an outright weakness because I have a strong preference for that mode of communication. Mind you even this tends to be strongly conditional on a certain degree of reciprocation.
Point being that I agree with the sometimes qualifier; the benefit to such displays (genuine or otherwise) is highly variable. We also have the ability to influence whether people make such displays to us. Partly by the incentive they have and partly by simple screening.
Seems true. Nevertheless I’ve never used it in this way. This may have more to do with my personality than anything: from what I’ve read here, I’m more of a conformist than the average Less Wrong reader, and I put a higher value on social harmony. I hate arguments that turn personal and emotional.
I might hit someone because they’re pointing a gun at me and I believe hitting them is the most efficient way to disarm them. I might hit someone because they did something dangerous and I believe hitting them is the most efficient way to condition them out of that behavior. I might spread gossip about them because they are using their social status in dangerous ways and I believe gossiping about them is the best available way of reducing their status.
None of those cases require anger, and they might even make the situation better. (Or they might not.)
Or, less nobly, I might hit someone because they have $100 I want, and I think that’s the most efficient way to rob them. I might spread gossip about them because we’re both up for the same promotion and I want to reduce their chance of getting it.
None of those cases require anger, either. (And, hey, they might make the situation better, too. Or they might not.)
I suppose the context of my comment was limited to a) me personally (I don’t have any desire to steal money or reduce other people’s chances of promotion) and b) to the situations I have encountered in the past (no guns or danger involved). Your points are very valid though.
If you are dealing with someone in your social circle, or can be seen by someone in your social circle and you want to build or maintain a reputation as someone it is not wise to cross. Even if it’s more or less a one shot game, if you make a point of not being a doormat it is likely to impact your self-image, which will impact your behaviour, which will impact how others treat you.
Even if in the short run retaliating helps nobody and slightly harms you, it can be worth it for repuatational and self-concept reasons.
Point taken. I am a doormat. People have told me this over and over again, so I probably have a reputation as a doormat, but that has certain value in itself; I have a reputation as someone who is dependable, loyal, and does whatever is asked of me, which is useful in a work context.