Thanks for the post. I find it quite insightful on some of the dynamics of gossip.
This post inspired me to set the following rule for myself:
Any conversation I have with someone I know should contain at least one (genuine) compliment from me towards a third party
Note that this doesn’t preclude negative gossip, but I don’t feel like codifying a symmetrical rule. Some benefits of this rule, even in the absence of negative gossip (which to be clear, I am not necessarily saying I won’t engage in):
For the receiver: Even in the absence of negative gossip, the act of saying honest good things about people provides useful information about the subject to the receiver. If I didn’t value that particular aspect of the subject, I would have praised a different quality about them, or would have chosen to praise a different person (and kept my mouth shut when they are the subject of conversation if I didn’t want to criticize them in the absence anything good to say).
For the subject: If I praise people, other people will be more likely to value them in the ways they deserve to be valued
For myself: If people know I will say good things about them to my friends, this will provide benefit to them, and will make them want to be friends with me and cultivate in me a positive opinion of them. This effect may even be stronger when gossip is biased in a positive direction (see also the first point for why this wouldn’t make my praise useless)
Thanks for this reply, I’m very glad to know you found it helpful and insightful.
I think the rule you set to yourself is great, and I agree the reverse doesn’t seem like a good idea. It’s more that it’s important to feel free to be open about negative things than making sure you’re saying negative things. I don’t know what the right balance of negative/positive gossip, but I guess it is tilted towards the positive (a bit like even vote on forums like LW and Reddit are skewed towards upvotes rather than downvotes). I think I could have made that clearer in the post.
Thanks for the post. I find it quite insightful on some of the dynamics of gossip.
This post inspired me to set the following rule for myself:
Any conversation I have with someone I know should contain at least one (genuine) compliment from me towards a third party
Note that this doesn’t preclude negative gossip, but I don’t feel like codifying a symmetrical rule. Some benefits of this rule, even in the absence of negative gossip (which to be clear, I am not necessarily saying I won’t engage in):
For the receiver: Even in the absence of negative gossip, the act of saying honest good things about people provides useful information about the subject to the receiver. If I didn’t value that particular aspect of the subject, I would have praised a different quality about them, or would have chosen to praise a different person (and kept my mouth shut when they are the subject of conversation if I didn’t want to criticize them in the absence anything good to say).
For the subject: If I praise people, other people will be more likely to value them in the ways they deserve to be valued
For myself: If people know I will say good things about them to my friends, this will provide benefit to them, and will make them want to be friends with me and cultivate in me a positive opinion of them. This effect may even be stronger when gossip is biased in a positive direction (see also the first point for why this wouldn’t make my praise useless)
Thanks for this reply, I’m very glad to know you found it helpful and insightful.
I think the rule you set to yourself is great, and I agree the reverse doesn’t seem like a good idea. It’s more that it’s important to feel free to be open about negative things than making sure you’re saying negative things. I don’t know what the right balance of negative/positive gossip, but I guess it is tilted towards the positive (a bit like even vote on forums like LW and Reddit are skewed towards upvotes rather than downvotes). I think I could have made that clearer in the post.