I’m 19, most of the year I live at college. I told her that it would be impossible to come to a conclusion, that people argue it for years and don’t… but she said she couldn’t respect my beliefs, and that my opinions offend her. She’s calmed down now, and made an attempt at reinstating her authority over me (shooting down my ideas on another topic, and giving me advice on a specific friendship), but I know she will bring it up later.
She insists that I justify my beliefs, but when I do, she gets really offended, and says that I place to much emphasis on “that science shit.” We’re operating on entirely different value systems. The problem is not that she thinks I don’t love her, and I DID tell her I respect that she believes something other than what I believe, but that she wants me to belong to an organized religion.
In the short term: leave her to it. In the medium term: leave her to it. In the longer term: leave her to it.
You are not going to come to any philosophical agreement. You don’t believe in magic, she does. You not believing in magic is enough to shake her world view, and she’s already taking this out on you. She’s already behaving in a toxic manner, as if that’ll change your mind. It won’t, any more than you’ll change hers. Refuse to engage.
She’s calmed down now, and made an attempt at reinstating her authority over me (shooting down my ideas on another topic, and giving me advice on a specific friendship)
Wow, you’re patient. This behavior would be enough for me to disengage from conversations and erect clear boundaries but you’re presenting it as almost a desired return to a norm.
Yeah, I think it’s tempting when responding to accounts like yours to signal our fierce independence by saying “don’t let her treat you like that! Tell her where to stick it!”. Your course of action—letting her get her way some of the time and patiently helping her when she gets upset about your beliefs, while leaving her her own beliefs—is very likely to be the wise one, especially if you’re financially dependent on her.
Very true. Unfortunately I do not have the financial means to get up and leave, so instead I am attempting to slowly turn a poor relationship into a better one.
I endorse what Dr. Manhattan, David Gerard, and grouchymusicologist have so far suggested. It’s a rough situation and I am very sorry you’re going through it. For whatever they’re worth, you have my thoughts, empathy, and condolences.
. The problem is not that she thinks I don’t love her, and I DID tell her I respect that she believes something other than what I believe, but that she wants me to belong to an organized religion.
Any organized (Christian?) religion or Catholicism specifically?
My mother pitched a similar fit when I stopped being Christian. She originally insisted I attend church anyway. She later relented and told me I didn’t have to go to church if I agreed to look into other religions (I was 12, so she had more power to mandate stuff like that.) It worked out okay.
I think she needed to know I wasn’t lost in a moralless void, and eventually she could see that I still cared about ethics, other people, etc.
I’m 19, most of the year I live at college. I told her that it would be impossible to come to a conclusion, that people argue it for years and don’t… but she said she couldn’t respect my beliefs, and that my opinions offend her. She’s calmed down now, and made an attempt at reinstating her authority over me (shooting down my ideas on another topic, and giving me advice on a specific friendship), but I know she will bring it up later. She insists that I justify my beliefs, but when I do, she gets really offended, and says that I place to much emphasis on “that science shit.” We’re operating on entirely different value systems. The problem is not that she thinks I don’t love her, and I DID tell her I respect that she believes something other than what I believe, but that she wants me to belong to an organized religion.
In the short term: leave her to it.
In the medium term: leave her to it.
In the longer term: leave her to it.
You are not going to come to any philosophical agreement. You don’t believe in magic, she does. You not believing in magic is enough to shake her world view, and she’s already taking this out on you. She’s already behaving in a toxic manner, as if that’ll change your mind. It won’t, any more than you’ll change hers. Refuse to engage.
Wow, you’re patient. This behavior would be enough for me to disengage from conversations and erect clear boundaries but you’re presenting it as almost a desired return to a norm.
If I had done that, it would have only enraged her. She needed to feel in control again.
Yeah, I think it’s tempting when responding to accounts like yours to signal our fierce independence by saying “don’t let her treat you like that! Tell her where to stick it!”. Your course of action—letting her get her way some of the time and patiently helping her when she gets upset about your beliefs, while leaving her her own beliefs—is very likely to be the wise one, especially if you’re financially dependent on her.
I hope you’re able to be more independent soon!
I think people who need to feel in control of me are the least entitled to feel that way.
Very true. Unfortunately I do not have the financial means to get up and leave, so instead I am attempting to slowly turn a poor relationship into a better one.
I endorse what Dr. Manhattan, David Gerard, and grouchymusicologist have so far suggested. It’s a rough situation and I am very sorry you’re going through it. For whatever they’re worth, you have my thoughts, empathy, and condolences.
I appreciate it.
Any organized (Christian?) religion or Catholicism specifically?
Catholicism, specifically. Mainly, she believes that everyone needs god, otherwise they’ll lead empty lives.
My mother pitched a similar fit when I stopped being Christian. She originally insisted I attend church anyway. She later relented and told me I didn’t have to go to church if I agreed to look into other religions (I was 12, so she had more power to mandate stuff like that.) It worked out okay.
I think she needed to know I wasn’t lost in a moralless void, and eventually she could see that I still cared about ethics, other people, etc.