I’d second the suggestion to re-draft the article; it’s not clear what this should mean in term of marking up changes. If it’s going to take a while you might want to add a brief notice at the front “I’m rewriting this, please help me in the comments”. Or you might prefer to post a “Take 2″ later—that gives you a better shot at grabbing people’s attention.
The first para has to go, it’s way too apologetic and sort of sends “don’t read” signals. You want to do the opposite—start by establishing relevance, saying why the reader should be interested in what you have to say. What is wrong with our current understanding of consciousness, that your post proposes to clear up? Be as specific as possible.
(For instance, if I were to post about consciousness, I might start by noting how strong and yet how misleading the feeling of unity of consciousness is, and bring out what I’ve learned about the patchwork nature of the human mind.)
The discussion of what you mean by certain words is secondary to establishing relevance; if it is absolutely required, make it a footnote. Also, as it is is that second para segues from being about words to being about the objects; the last three sentences appear to start on the main thesis.
I got lost at the sentence that started “That edit of the model...” What is an edit in this context? What does the word “that” in “that edit” refer back to? That was totally unclear to me. (Also, if there is a word that probably wanted defining, it was “model” rather than “brain”. And later: what is a “frame” of consciousness?)
Why is writing that post important to you? What, in a nutshell, are you trying to say? (It may take a whole post to support it, but it should take fewer words to get the main point across, or at least to convey that there is a point to be made.)
Thank you for your specific arrows to where I was not explaining myself well—most helpful.
The reason that it is so easy to see movies as smoothly continuous is that consciousness is comprised by a train of frames. I believe there is good evidence for this.
I am using a ordinary meaning of ‘model’. As in ‘this is a working model of a steam engine’ or ‘this stimulation models Heath Row airport’. Some researchers call it the ‘global workspace’, others call it the ‘Cartesian theatre’. The mind does maintain a model of the self in its environment. I believe there is also good evidence for this.
By’ edit’ I mean that the frames of consciousness are derived from the model but are not the whole of it, but rather much smaller chunks. Edit seemed a good word, maybe excerpt would have been better.
I have no firm evident for this, but I believe that there is a great deal of unity in many processes of mind. It is consciousness itself that has a false sense of unity and continuity.
I liked the first paragraph after the first sentence.
I also liked the early defining of words, and wish this was more of a norm here.
Your suggestions about big picture relevance and importance are good. I would put forward that she could do a bit less extensive rewriting, depending on how much she feels like doing.
I’d second the suggestion to re-draft the article; it’s not clear what this should mean in term of marking up changes. If it’s going to take a while you might want to add a brief notice at the front “I’m rewriting this, please help me in the comments”. Or you might prefer to post a “Take 2″ later—that gives you a better shot at grabbing people’s attention.
The first para has to go, it’s way too apologetic and sort of sends “don’t read” signals. You want to do the opposite—start by establishing relevance, saying why the reader should be interested in what you have to say. What is wrong with our current understanding of consciousness, that your post proposes to clear up? Be as specific as possible.
(For instance, if I were to post about consciousness, I might start by noting how strong and yet how misleading the feeling of unity of consciousness is, and bring out what I’ve learned about the patchwork nature of the human mind.)
The discussion of what you mean by certain words is secondary to establishing relevance; if it is absolutely required, make it a footnote. Also, as it is is that second para segues from being about words to being about the objects; the last three sentences appear to start on the main thesis.
I got lost at the sentence that started “That edit of the model...” What is an edit in this context? What does the word “that” in “that edit” refer back to? That was totally unclear to me. (Also, if there is a word that probably wanted defining, it was “model” rather than “brain”. And later: what is a “frame” of consciousness?)
Why is writing that post important to you? What, in a nutshell, are you trying to say? (It may take a whole post to support it, but it should take fewer words to get the main point across, or at least to convey that there is a point to be made.)
Thank you for your specific arrows to where I was not explaining myself well—most helpful.
The reason that it is so easy to see movies as smoothly continuous is that consciousness is comprised by a train of frames. I believe there is good evidence for this.
I am using a ordinary meaning of ‘model’. As in ‘this is a working model of a steam engine’ or ‘this stimulation models Heath Row airport’. Some researchers call it the ‘global workspace’, others call it the ‘Cartesian theatre’. The mind does maintain a model of the self in its environment. I believe there is also good evidence for this.
By’ edit’ I mean that the frames of consciousness are derived from the model but are not the whole of it, but rather much smaller chunks. Edit seemed a good word, maybe excerpt would have been better.
I have no firm evident for this, but I believe that there is a great deal of unity in many processes of mind. It is consciousness itself that has a false sense of unity and continuity.
I liked the first paragraph after the first sentence.
I also liked the early defining of words, and wish this was more of a norm here.
Your suggestions about big picture relevance and importance are good. I would put forward that she could do a bit less extensive rewriting, depending on how much she feels like doing.