testing someone to see if she has feelings for you is kind of a nasty thing to do in general..
You’re making a big assumption about what is meant by “test”. A test could be anything from simply asking “Do you have feelings for me?” to the sort of mind games I’m guessing you have in mind.
There is an illusion of transparency here—look here for a similar case, resolved successfully—and we should be quick to taboo vague words like “test” when it sounds like someone is saying something objectionable.
To be fair, you sort of did that by asking for clarification, but it would have been better to wait until after you knew what meta_ark meant by “test” before using emotionally charged words like “nasty”.
A test could be anything from simply asking “Do you have feelings for me?”
Or change your body language and see if she mirrors. Or maintain eye contact and see how long she maintains it and in what manner she breaks it. Make a moderately funny joke and see if she laughs. Or just ask her out already—willingness to go on an outing being an easier and potentially less personal admission to make than an outright confession of feelings and also easier to decline so the test is even further away from ‘nasty’.
wedrified: I would have, except mutual friends who had been in similar situations with her had tried that, and it made things very awkward between them for a few months. So I had to find a more subtle way.
Alicorn: I just made an overly flirtatious joke and when she didn’t respond, I knew what it meant. She’s usually very flirtatious with everyone, so it was very unexpected behaviour for her.
I just made an overly flirtatious joke and when she didn’t respond, I knew what it meant. She’s usually very flirtatious with everyone, so it was very unexpected behaviour for her.
Smoothly done. Flirtation fulfilling one of its intended roles!
except mutual friends who had been in similar situations with her had tried that, and it made things very awkward between them for a few months
In some situations and for some people I actually consider that a beneficial side effect. It doesn’t apply to yourself, of course, but some people lack the self awareness or pragmatic ability to evolve relationships in a beneficial direction based on available information and preferences. In such cases the aversive emotion of awkwardness can prompt a healthy response that they are otherwise too naive to consider. Like ’Next!”, for example.
Oh! The issue is she’s a very flirtatious person normally, even with people she’s not interested in. So I just made a joke about us making out which was a little more flirtatious than she usually acts. And she didn’t really respond, which was very unlike her. Nothing manipulative, just checking for deviations from usual behaviour.
You’re making a big assumption about what is meant by “test”. A test could be anything from simply asking “Do you have feelings for me?” to the sort of mind games I’m guessing you have in mind.
There is an illusion of transparency here—look here for a similar case, resolved successfully—and we should be quick to taboo vague words like “test” when it sounds like someone is saying something objectionable.
To be fair, you sort of did that by asking for clarification, but it would have been better to wait until after you knew what meta_ark meant by “test” before using emotionally charged words like “nasty”.
Or change your body language and see if she mirrors. Or maintain eye contact and see how long she maintains it and in what manner she breaks it. Make a moderately funny joke and see if she laughs. Or just ask her out already—willingness to go on an outing being an easier and potentially less personal admission to make than an outright confession of feelings and also easier to decline so the test is even further away from ‘nasty’.
wedrified: I would have, except mutual friends who had been in similar situations with her had tried that, and it made things very awkward between them for a few months. So I had to find a more subtle way.
Alicorn: I just made an overly flirtatious joke and when she didn’t respond, I knew what it meant. She’s usually very flirtatious with everyone, so it was very unexpected behaviour for her.
Smoothly done. Flirtation fulfilling one of its intended roles!
In some situations and for some people I actually consider that a beneficial side effect. It doesn’t apply to yourself, of course, but some people lack the self awareness or pragmatic ability to evolve relationships in a beneficial direction based on available information and preferences. In such cases the aversive emotion of awkwardness can prompt a healthy response that they are otherwise too naive to consider. Like ’Next!”, for example.
Oh! The issue is she’s a very flirtatious person normally, even with people she’s not interested in. So I just made a joke about us making out which was a little more flirtatious than she usually acts. And she didn’t really respond, which was very unlike her. Nothing manipulative, just checking for deviations from usual behaviour.
I agree that phrasing it in a different order would have been a better way of phrasing the concern. My bad.