Well this is relevant to my life. -_- I’m torn between feeling validated that someone else is bothered by this behavior, and annoyed that I didn’t post something like this myself.
You even chose almost the same term for it. Mine is “hate bonding”, as in “let’s hate Team Bad together!”, or “Two Minutes Hate” (...which has lasted eight years). It’s infected a large enough fraction of my loved ones to be seriously depressing. I spend a lot of time listening to people I love ranting about how other people I love are stupid and terrible.
(Or did. I considered distancing myself from all noticeable partisans, but chose not to because that covered most of the people I’m close to. Instead I blocked the channels where these conversations took place and stopped responding to mail in this category. …which, at least in the medium term, nearly amounted to the same thing. The last decade has been pretty lonely.)
You note that bringing up the negative consequences is frowned upon, but in my experience it doesn’t even take that much. Declining to bond in this way, even implicitly, often makes people angry in and of itself.
My realtime coping mechanism is closest to your “zoning out.” I read somewhere that people get uncomfortable quickly if they’re talking and not getting verbal acks (“uh huh, sure, yep, okay”), so I just suppress those until they peter out. Works one on one, not so well in a crowd.
This happened a while ago, and I’ve since migrated my social circles to distinctly non-partisan ones. I still want to help you, and would like to offer some ideas. Some of them might not fit your specific contexts. I trust you to pick the ones that seem promising.
Ideas:
Say something akin to “I get depressed talking about those people. I’ve decided to focus on people I like instead. Have you been excited about anything recently?”
Bring up the negative consequences explicitly. In a highly polarized state, not engaging in the outrage might be interpreted as a sign of betrayal. Explicitly bringing it up might be weird, but it gives you a non-traitor reason for not engaging in outrage
Look into authentic relating—a bunch of practices for deepening communication & connection. Nonviolent communication & circling are included in this category, as well as general “authentic relating”. You get some new tools for relating, and/or new friends.
Try to get people to reduce time spent on news & social media. Phone-free family gatherings?
Get people addicted to mobile games, so they spend their time on candy crush instead of culture wars
Become a hermit, build a log house under an oversized rock
For reference, most of the people I hang out with are involved in the nordic branches of the wider burning man community. They are busy actually doing things, rather than complaining about politics. YMMV, but equivalent spaces where you’re located might serve as a source of non-bitter connections.
Oh, finding less-partisan circles isn’t the issue. I could do that; what I can’t do is find circles pre-populated with people I’ve known and trusted for 20+ years, or with family. Those aren’t relationships I’m eager to migrate away from.
Anyway, I was (perhaps ironically) more venting than looking for suggestions. I’ve found ways to deal with it, and this, too, shall pass. Thanks though.
Well this is relevant to my life. -_- I’m torn between feeling validated that someone else is bothered by this behavior, and annoyed that I didn’t post something like this myself.
You even chose almost the same term for it. Mine is “hate bonding”, as in “let’s hate Team Bad together!”, or “Two Minutes Hate” (...which has lasted eight years). It’s infected a large enough fraction of my loved ones to be seriously depressing. I spend a lot of time listening to people I love ranting about how other people I love are stupid and terrible.
(Or did. I considered distancing myself from all noticeable partisans, but chose not to because that covered most of the people I’m close to. Instead I blocked the channels where these conversations took place and stopped responding to mail in this category. …which, at least in the medium term, nearly amounted to the same thing. The last decade has been pretty lonely.)
You note that bringing up the negative consequences is frowned upon, but in my experience it doesn’t even take that much. Declining to bond in this way, even implicitly, often makes people angry in and of itself.
My realtime coping mechanism is closest to your “zoning out.” I read somewhere that people get uncomfortable quickly if they’re talking and not getting verbal acks (“uh huh, sure, yep, okay”), so I just suppress those until they peter out. Works one on one, not so well in a crowd.
This happened a while ago, and I’ve since migrated my social circles to distinctly non-partisan ones. I still want to help you, and would like to offer some ideas. Some of them might not fit your specific contexts. I trust you to pick the ones that seem promising.
Ideas:
Say something akin to “I get depressed talking about those people. I’ve decided to focus on people I like instead. Have you been excited about anything recently?”
Bring up the negative consequences explicitly. In a highly polarized state, not engaging in the outrage might be interpreted as a sign of betrayal. Explicitly bringing it up might be weird, but it gives you a non-traitor reason for not engaging in outrage
Look into authentic relating—a bunch of practices for deepening communication & connection. Nonviolent communication & circling are included in this category, as well as general “authentic relating”. You get some new tools for relating, and/or new friends.
Try to get people to reduce time spent on news & social media. Phone-free family gatherings?
Get people addicted to mobile games, so they spend their time on candy crush instead of culture wars
Become a hermit, build a log house under an oversized rock
For reference, most of the people I hang out with are involved in the nordic branches of the wider burning man community. They are busy actually doing things, rather than complaining about politics. YMMV, but equivalent spaces where you’re located might serve as a source of non-bitter connections.
Oh, finding less-partisan circles isn’t the issue. I could do that; what I can’t do is find circles pre-populated with people I’ve known and trusted for 20+ years, or with family. Those aren’t relationships I’m eager to migrate away from.
Anyway, I was (perhaps ironically) more venting than looking for suggestions. I’ve found ways to deal with it, and this, too, shall pass. Thanks though.