Agreeing with several other people that the introduction needs a major rewrite or possibly just a cut. Consider the opening sentence:
Isadore Jacob Gudak, who anglicized his name to Irving John Good and used I. J. Good for publication
Dude, no. Who gives a toss how he anglicised his name? Get to your point, if you have one.
Somewhat similarly, in the fourth paragraph, you have
Please note that...
Please note that the phrase “please note that” is unnecessary; it adds length and the impression that you are snippily correcting someone’s blog comment, without adding any information (or politeness) to the sentence. I’m familiar with your argument about formal writing just adding a feeling of authority, but this isn’t informality, it’s sloppy editing.
Your whole first page, actually, is a pretty good demonstration of not having a point. I get the impression that you thought “Hmm, I need some kind of introduction” and went off to talk about something, anything, that wasn’t the actual point of the paper, because the point belongs in the body and not the introduction. This makes for a page that adds nothing. You have a much better introduction starting with the paragraph at the end of the first page, the one that opens
The question of what happens when smarter-than-human agencies
See, this is getting to the point. You can do it! This is where you should start the paper.
At an absolute, utter minimum, move the subclause about how what’s-his-name anglicised the Hungarian into a footnote, or the bibliography, or a biographical appendix, or a Wikipedia article, or for dog’s sake the Author’s Notes to the next HPMOR chapter, or a random thought that Harry has and then wonders why he is considering such a total irrelevancy. Just please, anywhere, anywhere except the opening sentence of your paper. Talk about burying the lede.
Additionally, your abstract is too long. The abstract should not explain anything; it should summarise the argument or result on the assumption that the reader is already familiar with the subject. You’re trying to write your introduction in the abstract; a common error, but an error. A single paragraph s sufficient; going off the first page is way too long. Disclaimer: The above applies to physics abstracts; conceivably philosophy has a different set of conventions.
Finally: If in fact you actually want this kind of feedback, you can make it much easier on your beta readers by adding line numbers to the paper. LaTeX makes this easy. This avoids such circumlocutions as “The fourth paragraph, the one beginning...”, with the attendant confusion about whether I’m counting the block quote as a separate paragraph.
At an absolute, utter minimum, move the subclause about how what’s-his-name anglicised the Hungarian into a footnote, or the bibliography, or a biographical appendix, or a Wikipedia article, or for dog’s sake the Author’s Notes to the next HPMOR chapter, or a random thought that Harry has and then wonders why he is considering such a total irrelevancy.
Or … what about I write it in a comment, then … I put it all in the smallest font. Then I edit the comment not to include it anymore, then I retract the comment and then a mod deletes the comment?
Agreeing with several other people that the introduction needs a major rewrite or possibly just a cut. Consider the opening sentence:
Dude, no. Who gives a toss how he anglicised his name? Get to your point, if you have one.
Somewhat similarly, in the fourth paragraph, you have
Please note that the phrase “please note that” is unnecessary; it adds length and the impression that you are snippily correcting someone’s blog comment, without adding any information (or politeness) to the sentence. I’m familiar with your argument about formal writing just adding a feeling of authority, but this isn’t informality, it’s sloppy editing.
Your whole first page, actually, is a pretty good demonstration of not having a point. I get the impression that you thought “Hmm, I need some kind of introduction” and went off to talk about something, anything, that wasn’t the actual point of the paper, because the point belongs in the body and not the introduction. This makes for a page that adds nothing. You have a much better introduction starting with the paragraph at the end of the first page, the one that opens
See, this is getting to the point. You can do it! This is where you should start the paper.
At an absolute, utter minimum, move the subclause about how what’s-his-name anglicised the Hungarian into a footnote, or the bibliography, or a biographical appendix, or a Wikipedia article, or for dog’s sake the Author’s Notes to the next HPMOR chapter, or a random thought that Harry has and then wonders why he is considering such a total irrelevancy. Just please, anywhere, anywhere except the opening sentence of your paper. Talk about burying the lede.
Additionally, your abstract is too long. The abstract should not explain anything; it should summarise the argument or result on the assumption that the reader is already familiar with the subject. You’re trying to write your introduction in the abstract; a common error, but an error. A single paragraph s sufficient; going off the first page is way too long. Disclaimer: The above applies to physics abstracts; conceivably philosophy has a different set of conventions.
Finally: If in fact you actually want this kind of feedback, you can make it much easier on your beta readers by adding line numbers to the paper. LaTeX makes this easy. This avoids such circumlocutions as “The fourth paragraph, the one beginning...”, with the attendant confusion about whether I’m counting the block quote as a separate paragraph.
Or … what about I write it in a comment, then … I put it all in the smallest font. Then I edit the comment not to include it anymore, then I retract the comment and then a mod deletes the comment?
Or are you gonna spank me too, then. :-o
If you want a spanking all you have to do is ask. No need for elaborate bratting. :)