How can I tell if someone is sexually and/or romantically attracted to me
Make a move that indicates interest in a manner that is socially acceptable and effective. This seems to be both an suitable application of empiricism and an adaptive interpersonal strategy in a non hostile social environment.
if a combination of living in a country with somewhat lenient proxemic norms and having the “nice guy privilege” means that all the obvious ways to tell yield lots of false positives?
Again, using a heuristic that returns false positives (or, in objective terms, using strategy that includes active investigation even with non extreme estimated probability of interest) is an effective interpersonal strategy in a healthy social environment. If the environment is such that making social overtures when it so happens that there is not interest comes with a particularly high cost then it is probably best to find a better tribe. (Or to compartmentalize the forms of social interaction that you do in your various locations—a strategy otherwise known by such catchy yet crude morals as “Don’t shit where you eat!”)
People smile at me, compliment me, touch me, buy me drinks and give me lifts in their cars all the time, even when they’re in a committed monogamous relationship with someone else and even in front of their boyfriends/husbands.
Your friends, acquaintances and/or people you casual interact with sound great! Good for you (sincerely).
Make a move that indicates interest in a manner that is socially acceptable and effective.
(First, this can be a bad idea unless I’m actually interested in them myself, for obvious reasons, but henceforth I will assume I am.) It’s not like I never do that, but when I do, four things can happen: 1) they push me away or freak out, 2) they do nothing in particular or reciprocate lukewarmly, 3) they reciprocate enthusiastically, or 4) they escalate further. Now 1) is emotionally painful, but at least it’s clear what I should do (namely, don’t do that again and move the hell on)¹; on the other hand, with women from most parts of my country with whom I have any amount of familiarity at all² it basically never happens. 2) is particularly ambiguous, as it might mean that they don’t like me but don’t want to hurt my feelings, that they like me platonically but not romantically, that they’re still not sure of their own feelings and want to take things slow, that they like me but they’re shy, and probably also something else I haven’t thought about. Unfortunately, this has been the most common response in my experience. 3) is also somewhat ambiguous, as it might mean that they’re romantically interested in me, but also that they like me as a friend and they are particularly expansive. It is also a very common response IME. 4) is relatively unambiguous (though possibly not sure-fire—maybe they just are extremely expansive or something), but somewhat rare. So, in most cases I only get a limited amount of information. (On the other hand, if I observe the way they interact with everybody else, and know or guess how much they’ve drunk, I can try to figure out how shy or how expansive they are, which can help me interpret their interactions with me to some extent.)
If the environment is such that making social overtures when it so happens that there is not interest comes with a particularly high cost then it is probably best to find a better tribe.
Yup. I got response 1) above a lot when I was in Ireland. It felt awful. (And I didn’t know yet that the correct response to that was “don’t do that again and move the hell on”, which only made things worse.) Actually it still occasionally happens now that I’m back in Italy (usually in cold approaches initiated by me without a wingman, or with a low-agreeableness wingman), but now I just shrug it off and move on, at least during days when I’m sufficiently thick-skinned (namely, if in the last couple days I’ve ingested at least as many calories as I’ve expended).
Okay, it doesn’t necessarily indicates disliking, it might also indicate an extreme level of shyness—but I wouldn’t want to be with someone that shy anyway.
Apparently, even having been introduced to them by a mutual friend and talked to them for a couple minutes counts, at least if the mutual friend is female.
Make a move that indicates interest in a manner that is socially acceptable and effective. This seems to be both an suitable application of empiricism and an adaptive interpersonal strategy in a non hostile social environment.
Again, using a heuristic that returns false positives (or, in objective terms, using strategy that includes active investigation even with non extreme estimated probability of interest) is an effective interpersonal strategy in a healthy social environment. If the environment is such that making social overtures when it so happens that there is not interest comes with a particularly high cost then it is probably best to find a better tribe. (Or to compartmentalize the forms of social interaction that you do in your various locations—a strategy otherwise known by such catchy yet crude morals as “Don’t shit where you eat!”)
Your friends, acquaintances and/or people you casual interact with sound great! Good for you (sincerely).
(First, this can be a bad idea unless I’m actually interested in them myself, for obvious reasons, but henceforth I will assume I am.) It’s not like I never do that, but when I do, four things can happen: 1) they push me away or freak out, 2) they do nothing in particular or reciprocate lukewarmly, 3) they reciprocate enthusiastically, or 4) they escalate further. Now 1) is emotionally painful, but at least it’s clear what I should do (namely, don’t do that again and move the hell on)¹; on the other hand, with women from most parts of my country with whom I have any amount of familiarity at all² it basically never happens. 2) is particularly ambiguous, as it might mean that they don’t like me but don’t want to hurt my feelings, that they like me platonically but not romantically, that they’re still not sure of their own feelings and want to take things slow, that they like me but they’re shy, and probably also something else I haven’t thought about. Unfortunately, this has been the most common response in my experience. 3) is also somewhat ambiguous, as it might mean that they’re romantically interested in me, but also that they like me as a friend and they are particularly expansive. It is also a very common response IME. 4) is relatively unambiguous (though possibly not sure-fire—maybe they just are extremely expansive or something), but somewhat rare. So, in most cases I only get a limited amount of information. (On the other hand, if I observe the way they interact with everybody else, and know or guess how much they’ve drunk, I can try to figure out how shy or how expansive they are, which can help me interpret their interactions with me to some extent.)
Yup. I got response 1) above a lot when I was in Ireland. It felt awful. (And I didn’t know yet that the correct response to that was “don’t do that again and move the hell on”, which only made things worse.) Actually it still occasionally happens now that I’m back in Italy (usually in cold approaches initiated by me without a wingman, or with a low-agreeableness wingman), but now I just shrug it off and move on, at least during days when I’m sufficiently thick-skinned (namely, if in the last couple days I’ve ingested at least as many calories as I’ve expended).
Okay, it doesn’t necessarily indicates disliking, it might also indicate an extreme level of shyness—but I wouldn’t want to be with someone that shy anyway.
Apparently, even having been introduced to them by a mutual friend and talked to them for a couple minutes counts, at least if the mutual friend is female.