For example, it’s not quite the same thing to be polite as it is to be effusively welcoming
But would that be better? If one is too effusively welcoming, that might be seen as creepy and chase people away.
Now, the optimal strategy would be one that creates a true impression that one is liked, and that others would like one to remain around. (If someone is not liked, then the optimal strategy, assuming infinite resources and time, would be to persuade them to become more likeable). The question, then, is what strategy creates that impression?
I think that the karma system does a part of that; it allows a visitor to find out which behaviours are appreciated and which are not in a simple and straightforward way.
I also think politeness is not quite enough to handle frustration, which may mess up otherwise productive discussions. For example, when someone offers interesting counter-arguments, I usually don’t have a problem thinking about them pretty calmly. But I’ve found people will frequently talk past each other?
Ah; I think that this is, strictly speaking, a seperate issue; the issue of clear communication. Paraphrasing the other person’s argument is, I’ve found, often a helpful way of dealing with such a situation; so the handshake that you propose is a valid solution. However, the already-present meme of tabooing certain words seems to me to have the same, if not greater, benefits.
A certain degree of empathy—by which I mean, understanding what the other person is thinking—is also a useful skill to develop for this sort of situation.
Ooh, here’s another community practice that would be nice to adopt: after you have a long comment thread with someone where you clarify some stuff, if they said “oh okay, now I undstand!” instead of just disappearing when they understand, it would feel much better. That’s happened to me a few times here. =\
That’s exactly the problem! There’s currently no way to tell, although it would be useful to know. It would be nice if disappearing consistently indicated not caring anymore so you could gauge how effective you are at clarifying things.
I quite see your point, and I agree. That would be useful data. While some may simply upvote the post that made them understand instead of replying, I don’t think that that would be sufficient; neither the identity of the upvoter nor the reason for the upvote would be readily apparent.
Now, the optimal strategy would be one that creates a true impression that one is liked, and that others would like one to remain around. (If someone is not liked, then the optimal strategy, assuming infinite resources and time, would be to persuade them to become more likeable). The question, then, is what strategy creates that impression?
I think the practice of chewing apart someone’s religion is pretty emotionally trying and leaves the person feeling like the community hates their entire being/identity, despite their generally polite and civil tone, and the top level article is about acknowledging and repairing emotional damage after exchanges like this. So, some sort of active statement of “I still like you! You are still cool! Thank you for the nice discussion! Would you like to also talk about this here math thing? I would love to know what you think!” would hopefully make chewed-apart people (Wednesday?) feel much better about hanging around here.
Actually, I think the “I still like you!” issue is pretty similar to the sarcasm issue in written word. Because IRL you can use subtle clues to show you still like the person, like smile and speak softer after you’re done debating god and things. Or pat them! Here, all I’ve got is exclamation marks. And text emoticons?
I think the practice of chewing apart someone’s religion is pretty emotionally trying and leaves the person feeling like the community hates their entire being/identity,
Yes, it would be. In my experience, I haven’t felt that my religion has been chewed apart; by and large, most people on the site seem to shrug and ignore it. So this situation hasn’t yet turned up here for me.
Though you are right; such a sentiment would go a long way towards repairing emotional damage. Actively pointing out and encouraging behaviour that you like is a good way to get people to behave that way more often. I think that’s most of the reason for the karma system; to upvote posts encourages similar behaviour in the future. Replying, with specific reasons for an upvote, encourages a more specific behaviour (and upvoting the encouraging post will probably reinforce the enouragement).
In person, I’m told that eye contact and attentive listening work surprisingly well.
But would that be better? If one is too effusively welcoming, that might be seen as creepy and chase people away.
Now, the optimal strategy would be one that creates a true impression that one is liked, and that others would like one to remain around. (If someone is not liked, then the optimal strategy, assuming infinite resources and time, would be to persuade them to become more likeable). The question, then, is what strategy creates that impression?
I think that the karma system does a part of that; it allows a visitor to find out which behaviours are appreciated and which are not in a simple and straightforward way.
Ah; I think that this is, strictly speaking, a seperate issue; the issue of clear communication. Paraphrasing the other person’s argument is, I’ve found, often a helpful way of dealing with such a situation; so the handshake that you propose is a valid solution. However, the already-present meme of tabooing certain words seems to me to have the same, if not greater, benefits.
A certain degree of empathy—by which I mean, understanding what the other person is thinking—is also a useful skill to develop for this sort of situation.
Ooh, here’s another community practice that would be nice to adopt: after you have a long comment thread with someone where you clarify some stuff, if they said “oh okay, now I undstand!” instead of just disappearing when they understand, it would feel much better. That’s happened to me a few times here. =\
If they disappear, how do you know it’s because they understand and not because they don’t understand and don’t care anymore?
That’s exactly the problem! There’s currently no way to tell, although it would be useful to know. It would be nice if disappearing consistently indicated not caring anymore so you could gauge how effective you are at clarifying things.
I quite see your point, and I agree. That would be useful data. While some may simply upvote the post that made them understand instead of replying, I don’t think that that would be sufficient; neither the identity of the upvoter nor the reason for the upvote would be readily apparent.
I think the practice of chewing apart someone’s religion is pretty emotionally trying and leaves the person feeling like the community hates their entire being/identity, despite their generally polite and civil tone, and the top level article is about acknowledging and repairing emotional damage after exchanges like this. So, some sort of active statement of “I still like you! You are still cool! Thank you for the nice discussion! Would you like to also talk about this here math thing? I would love to know what you think!” would hopefully make chewed-apart people (Wednesday?) feel much better about hanging around here.
Actually, I think the “I still like you!” issue is pretty similar to the sarcasm issue in written word. Because IRL you can use subtle clues to show you still like the person, like smile and speak softer after you’re done debating god and things. Or pat them! Here, all I’ve got is exclamation marks. And text emoticons?
Yes, it would be. In my experience, I haven’t felt that my religion has been chewed apart; by and large, most people on the site seem to shrug and ignore it. So this situation hasn’t yet turned up here for me.
Though you are right; such a sentiment would go a long way towards repairing emotional damage. Actively pointing out and encouraging behaviour that you like is a good way to get people to behave that way more often. I think that’s most of the reason for the karma system; to upvote posts encourages similar behaviour in the future. Replying, with specific reasons for an upvote, encourages a more specific behaviour (and upvoting the encouraging post will probably reinforce the enouragement).
In person, I’m told that eye contact and attentive listening work surprisingly well.