Richard Feynman was a theoretician as well as a ‘people person’; if you read his writings about his experiences with people it really illustrates quite well how he managed to do it.
One tactic that he employed was simply being mysterious. He knew few people could relate to a University professor and that many would feel intimidated by that, so when in the company of laypeople he never even brought it up. They would ask him what he did and he would say, “I can’t say.” If pressed, he would say something vague like, “I work at the University.” Done properly, it’s playful and coy, and even though people might think you’re a bit weird, they definitely won’t consider you unrelatable.
In my opinion there’s no need to concern yourself with activities that you don’t like, as very few people are really actually interested in your interests. Whenever the topic of your interests comes up, just steer the conversation towards their life and their interests. You’ll be speaking 10% of the time yet you’ll appear like a brilliant conversationalist. If they ask you if you’ve read a particular book or heard a particular artist, just say no (but don’t sound harsh or bored). You’ll seem ‘indie’ and mysterious, and people like that. In practice, though, as one gets older, people rarely ask about these things.
It’s a common mistake that I’ve seen often in intellectual people. They assume they have to keep up with popular media so that they can have conversations. That is not true at all.
While this seems like reasonable advice, I’m not sure it’s universally good advice. Richard Feynman seemed to enjoy a level of charm many of us couldn’t hope to possess. He also had a wide selection of esoteric interests unrelated to his field.
I would also claim that there’s value in simply maintaining such an interest. During particularly insular periods where I’m absorbed in less accessible work, I find myself starting to exhibit “aspie” characteristics, losing verbal fluency and becoming socially insensitive. It’s not just about having things to talk about, but maintaining my own faculties for relating to people.
Whenever the topic of your interests comes up, just steer the conversation towards their life and their interests. You’ll be speaking 10% of the time yet you’ll appear like a brilliant conversationalist.
If everyone in the conversation is employing this method, then chances are higher that the others actually want to hear about your esoteric topics. If you pause early and give them a chance to talk about themselves (or for them to press for more), that’ll keep you synched up with what they want.
I was thinking more like two people each trying to get the other person to do that, like people at a door getting jammed saying “After you,” “After you,” etc.
All the times this has happened to me, one person would come up with a Schelling-pointy reason why the other person’s recent life was more interesting (e.g. they had just come back from a trip abroad or something).
I have never actually seen this happen, and I use that method all the time. I don’t have an explanation for why, since I rarely think about problems I don’t have.
Richard Feynman was a theoretician as well as a ‘people person’; if you read his writings about his experiences with people it really illustrates quite well how he managed to do it.
One tactic that he employed was simply being mysterious. He knew few people could relate to a University professor and that many would feel intimidated by that, so when in the company of laypeople he never even brought it up. They would ask him what he did and he would say, “I can’t say.” If pressed, he would say something vague like, “I work at the University.” Done properly, it’s playful and coy, and even though people might think you’re a bit weird, they definitely won’t consider you unrelatable.
In my opinion there’s no need to concern yourself with activities that you don’t like, as very few people are really actually interested in your interests. Whenever the topic of your interests comes up, just steer the conversation towards their life and their interests. You’ll be speaking 10% of the time yet you’ll appear like a brilliant conversationalist. If they ask you if you’ve read a particular book or heard a particular artist, just say no (but don’t sound harsh or bored). You’ll seem ‘indie’ and mysterious, and people like that. In practice, though, as one gets older, people rarely ask about these things.
It’s a common mistake that I’ve seen often in intellectual people. They assume they have to keep up with popular media so that they can have conversations. That is not true at all.
While this seems like reasonable advice, I’m not sure it’s universally good advice. Richard Feynman seemed to enjoy a level of charm many of us couldn’t hope to possess. He also had a wide selection of esoteric interests unrelated to his field.
I would also claim that there’s value in simply maintaining such an interest. During particularly insular periods where I’m absorbed in less accessible work, I find myself starting to exhibit “aspie” characteristics, losing verbal fluency and becoming socially insensitive. It’s not just about having things to talk about, but maintaining my own faculties for relating to people.
This works.
What happens when both people employ that method?
If everyone in the conversation is employing this method, then chances are higher that the others actually want to hear about your esoteric topics. If you pause early and give them a chance to talk about themselves (or for them to press for more), that’ll keep you synched up with what they want.
People talking to each other about their lives and their interests! Success!
I was thinking more like two people each trying to get the other person to do that, like people at a door getting jammed saying “After you,” “After you,” etc.
All the times this has happened to me, one person would come up with a Schelling-pointy reason why the other person’s recent life was more interesting (e.g. they had just come back from a trip abroad or something).
I have never actually seen this happen, and I use that method all the time. I don’t have an explanation for why, since I rarely think about problems I don’t have.