I am intentionally speaking high handedly here. I spent years being suicidal because people pathologized me when I was doing what I was doing to help people. I received so many accusations of disingenuousness and arrogance that I involuntarily internalized them, and it caused me unthinkable psychological damage. I’m not going to give weight such accusations anymore.
I can take the perspective that the people who accuse me of disingenuousness or arrogance are evil, or I can take the perspective that I’m morally sophisticated than they are out of virtue of being privileged. I’ve chosen the latter. In exchange, I’m committed to striving for moral purity.
Ok, look, I get that you are trying hard to be a good person, and that’s great, but you’re not doing such a great job of it right now. And I think that’s kind of the crux here: You’ve somehow gotten the idea that being a Good Person automatically makes you good at it, or should, whatever that means.
You say that you like helping people. I identify with that. I like helping people too. But all that really tells you is how I get my jollies, you know? Other people are not obliged to give me said jollies by being helped, and they may have good reasons not to. Here are some possible reasons:
They don’t think they need my help.
They don’t think I am competent to help them, and perhaps are worried that I may make things worse.
They suspect that I am optimizing for fuzzies rather than for actually helping, which may cause conflict or poor outcomes from their point of view.
They feel disrespected by the implication that I am in a position to help them, and fear loss of status.
Now, you may think some of these reasons are mistaken or irrational (I think any of them might be perfectly sane, myself), but the fact remains that people are quite possibly going to have these concerns, and if I can’t address them, I will not be a very good helper. Notice that none of these reasons is “They fail to empathize with me and understand how happy I would be to help them,” which is the only concern I see you trying to address here. Why should they care how happy it will make me?
Humility gets a bad rap on LW, but I think in this case it’s exactly what’s needed, because if you want to help people properly, you’ve got to remember that helping isn’t about you. You have to respect their goals and their autonomy, all the more if they really do need your help and you are in a position of power over them. Love is great and all, but it’s not something you ought to force on anyone.
I am intentionally speaking high handedly here. I spent years being suicidal because people pathologized me when I was doing what I was doing to help people. I received so many accusations of disingenuousness and arrogance that I involuntarily internalized them, and it caused me unthinkable psychological damage. I’m not going to give weight such accusations anymore.
I can take the perspective that the people who accuse me of disingenuousness or arrogance are evil, or I can take the perspective that I’m morally sophisticated than they are out of virtue of being privileged. I’ve chosen the latter. In exchange, I’m committed to striving for moral purity.
Ok, look, I get that you are trying hard to be a good person, and that’s great, but you’re not doing such a great job of it right now. And I think that’s kind of the crux here: You’ve somehow gotten the idea that being a Good Person automatically makes you good at it, or should, whatever that means.
You say that you like helping people. I identify with that. I like helping people too. But all that really tells you is how I get my jollies, you know? Other people are not obliged to give me said jollies by being helped, and they may have good reasons not to. Here are some possible reasons:
They don’t think they need my help.
They don’t think I am competent to help them, and perhaps are worried that I may make things worse.
They suspect that I am optimizing for fuzzies rather than for actually helping, which may cause conflict or poor outcomes from their point of view.
They feel disrespected by the implication that I am in a position to help them, and fear loss of status.
Now, you may think some of these reasons are mistaken or irrational (I think any of them might be perfectly sane, myself), but the fact remains that people are quite possibly going to have these concerns, and if I can’t address them, I will not be a very good helper. Notice that none of these reasons is “They fail to empathize with me and understand how happy I would be to help them,” which is the only concern I see you trying to address here. Why should they care how happy it will make me?
Humility gets a bad rap on LW, but I think in this case it’s exactly what’s needed, because if you want to help people properly, you’ve got to remember that helping isn’t about you. You have to respect their goals and their autonomy, all the more if they really do need your help and you are in a position of power over them. Love is great and all, but it’s not something you ought to force on anyone.