I’m surprised there aren’t any comments about reminding people they can’t have it both ways. I haven’t found a great way to do it quickly, but I have sometimes talked people down from forming a negative opinion (of a person, group, or event) by asking them if they would have gotten the same perception from a counterfactual (and in some sense opposite) event occurring instead.
Ok, one fairly frustrating occurrence in my life is when my girlfriend gets freaked out about failing a math class. The problem being that she gets about as freaked when she does well on a test as when she does poorly on a quiz. Pointing out that she seems to just want to panic regardless of the event seems to calm her more than most of my other approaches.
But the example I was actually thinking about when I wrote that involved a coworker talking badly of someone else in the workplace. The specifics are lost to me, but at the time, I noticed that the complaining guy would have had material to gripe about regardless of what the other person did. I mentioned this, and he conceded the fact and changed the subject.
Pointing out that she seems to just want to panic regardless of the event seems to calm her more than most of my other approaches.
Interesting. I think think that exact phrasing wouldn’t work well with me because when I have bad emotional habits, it generally doesn’t seem as though I want them. I’d do better with a more neutral phrasing like “it seems as though you panic no matter what happens”.
All I can do is guess about the difference—maybe your girlfriend experiences her internal state as wanting the emotions she’s getting?
I’m surprised there aren’t any comments about reminding people they can’t have it both ways. I haven’t found a great way to do it quickly, but I have sometimes talked people down from forming a negative opinion (of a person, group, or event) by asking them if they would have gotten the same perception from a counterfactual (and in some sense opposite) event occurring instead.
I need an example of that one.
Ok, one fairly frustrating occurrence in my life is when my girlfriend gets freaked out about failing a math class. The problem being that she gets about as freaked when she does well on a test as when she does poorly on a quiz. Pointing out that she seems to just want to panic regardless of the event seems to calm her more than most of my other approaches.
But the example I was actually thinking about when I wrote that involved a coworker talking badly of someone else in the workplace. The specifics are lost to me, but at the time, I noticed that the complaining guy would have had material to gripe about regardless of what the other person did. I mentioned this, and he conceded the fact and changed the subject.
Thanks for the examples.
Interesting. I think think that exact phrasing wouldn’t work well with me because when I have bad emotional habits, it generally doesn’t seem as though I want them. I’d do better with a more neutral phrasing like “it seems as though you panic no matter what happens”.
All I can do is guess about the difference—maybe your girlfriend experiences her internal state as wanting the emotions she’s getting?
You know, I didn’t really notice that distinction before. I shall have to pay attention to that. I’ll let you know if/how much better that works.