The question on my mind from the start of our discussion is about the proportion of these not-truly-nice-at-all guys relative to the larger population of self-identified “nice guys.”
Okay, so we’re arguing over percentages—but I perceive guys like the nice-guy letter writer to be ginormous assholes, where as you view him as reasonable and sympathetic. So my population of jerks is obviously larger, because we define “jerk” differently.
In my personal experience, probably about 80 percent of guys who will express to me the sentiment “women only date jerks” are dudes who I perceive to be jerks (yet who are not having stunning success with the ladies). But I will be the first to acknowledge all the biases that are going into shaping that view, firstly the fact that these are men who think it’s a good idea to buttonhole women of their acquaintance with their complaints about women generally, which is quite a filtering mechanism right there. Still, it’s what I got.
I think you may be ascribing to me views that I don’t hold, given that a good deal of the material you’ve cited isn’t directly relevant to the original question. I don’t actually believe that “the ideal man is a woman in a man’s body,” so I don’t need to be convinced otherwise. I believe women are attracted to men, to manly qualities. I dispute that manly qualities = jerkitude, and I object to a model of What Women Want that is presented as categorical yet excludes huge numbers of real-life women.
I also want to circle back to a question you asked earlier and I skipped (because I perceived it as addressing views I don’t hold):
Do you think women who generalize about men’s preferences are misandric? For instance, “men just like dumb blondes”, “men only care about looks”, “men only care about sex”, “men don’t like intelligent/strong women”?
I think those statements are all wrong, at least as presented, although in each case it would be possible to formulate a more careful and sophisticated version that might be supportable. “There is a significant population of men that is primarily attracted to the ‘dumb blond’ presentation” or “Most men give physical appearance strong weight when choosing a mate.” I don’t know if they are insulting, although if you as a member of the group being characterized tell me that these statements (the original, or the reformulations) are insulting, then I will update accordingly. If a lot of men tell me the same thing, I will accept it as something close to fact.
But each of those original statements I can refute trivially, by looking at the world, just as I can refute the “women only date jerks” proposition. It can’t be true that men only like dumb blondes, because I know smart brunettes who are married. It can’t be true that women only date jerks, because I observe nice guys who are happily partnered up.
And as to whether it’s misandrist to formulate the statements in that way: it could be. It’s certainly wrong; it encourages a false and misleading view of the world; it encourages women to externalize their own failures, and to start viewing men as The Enemy rather than as a collection of human beings who are going to vary wildly from individual to individual. It’s on the road to misandry, at least. Basically, yes, I think it’s a good parallel.
Okay, so we’re arguing over percentages—but I perceive guys like the nice-guy letter writer to be ginormous assholes, where as you view him as reasonable and sympathetic.
Actually, I view the letter writer as sympathetic, unreasonable (see my rebuttal to some of his views in a previous comment), and somewhat of an asshole (though I think his assholishness is specific to the context of the rant, and is probably not the source of his troubles with women).
So my population of jerks is obviously larger, because we define “jerk” differently.
That’s probably true.
In my personal experience, probably about 80 percent of guys who will express to me the sentiment “women only date jerks” are dudes who I perceive to be jerks (yet who are not having stunning success with the ladies). But I will be the first to acknowledge all the biases that are going into shaping that view, firstly the fact that these are men who think it’s a good idea to buttonhole women of their acquaintance with their complaints about women generally, which is quite a filtering mechanism right there. Still, it’s what I got.
Interesting. Perhaps the context of the complaint makes a difference: guys who rant about women to a female acquaintance might be different from guys who rant to male friends in discussions of relationships, or from guys who rant on the internet.
I think you may be ascribing to me views that I don’t hold, given that a good deal of the material you’ve cited isn’t directly relevant to the original question. I don’t actually believe that “the ideal man is a woman in a man’s body,” so I don’t need to be convinced otherwise.
Very well, the Vincent quotes might not be relevant. The Herold & Milhausen study, and the quotes from Serano definitely are. If people who aren’t cis male are coming to some of the same conclusions as self-identified “nice guys,” then those conclusions should seem less exceptional, and shouldn’t get those guys so quickly tarred with the “Nice Guy(tm)” brush.
Obviously there is something going on that many self-identified “nice guys” are seeing, 56% of women are seeing, and Serano was seeing… yet for some reason, a certain segment of nerdy or feminist women aren’t seeing it, and I’m wondering why.
And as to whether it’s misandrist to formulate the statements in that way: it could be. It’s certainly wrong; it encourages a false and misleading view of the world; it encourages women to externalize their own failures, and to start viewing men as The Enemy rather than as a collection of human beings who are going to vary wildly from individual to individual. It’s on the road to misandry, at least. Basically, yes, I think it’s a good parallel.
I’m glad that I managed to get it across.
Anyway, have I answered your question about my views of the letter? Where there any other big issues that we were talking about that are worth pursuing at this time?
Obviously there is something going on that many self-identified “nice guys” are seeing, 56% of women are seeing
Well, 56 percent in one survey, when other surveys framed in different ways come out with contradictory findings. I accept the finding as data, but not as such conclusive data that we can make confident assertions about what a majority of women believe. As you pointed out in one of your followups, these women seemed to be talking about two very different definitions of “nice guy,” where one definition basically meant weak and whiny. Weak and whiny is a turnoff, for sure.
I think we agree that what you described as the exchange-oriented script of female sexuality is a misleading way of looking at the world, and can lead genuinely nice guys into frustration. And I think we’ve located the source of our disagreement regarding the Nice Guy(TM) syndrome—we both think it exists, but our different experiences lead us to different estimates of how common it may be. And I’m apparently harsher in my judgments than you are, which is also a contributing factor. Is that a fair assessment?
I do want to thank you again for providing the link to the Herold survey. Even though I don’t accept it as fact, I do accept it as evidence, and I have modified my estimates on that basis. Like I said, going into this conversation I would have put the percentage of Nice Guys(TM) among self-reported “nice guys” at somewhere around 80 percent. Now I’m pegging it at somewhere between 40 to 60 percent.
Okay, so we’re arguing over percentages—but I perceive guys like the nice-guy letter writer to be ginormous assholes, where as you view him as reasonable and sympathetic. So my population of jerks is obviously larger, because we define “jerk” differently.
In my personal experience, probably about 80 percent of guys who will express to me the sentiment “women only date jerks” are dudes who I perceive to be jerks (yet who are not having stunning success with the ladies). But I will be the first to acknowledge all the biases that are going into shaping that view, firstly the fact that these are men who think it’s a good idea to buttonhole women of their acquaintance with their complaints about women generally, which is quite a filtering mechanism right there. Still, it’s what I got.
I think you may be ascribing to me views that I don’t hold, given that a good deal of the material you’ve cited isn’t directly relevant to the original question. I don’t actually believe that “the ideal man is a woman in a man’s body,” so I don’t need to be convinced otherwise. I believe women are attracted to men, to manly qualities. I dispute that manly qualities = jerkitude, and I object to a model of What Women Want that is presented as categorical yet excludes huge numbers of real-life women.
I also want to circle back to a question you asked earlier and I skipped (because I perceived it as addressing views I don’t hold):
I think those statements are all wrong, at least as presented, although in each case it would be possible to formulate a more careful and sophisticated version that might be supportable. “There is a significant population of men that is primarily attracted to the ‘dumb blond’ presentation” or “Most men give physical appearance strong weight when choosing a mate.” I don’t know if they are insulting, although if you as a member of the group being characterized tell me that these statements (the original, or the reformulations) are insulting, then I will update accordingly. If a lot of men tell me the same thing, I will accept it as something close to fact.
But each of those original statements I can refute trivially, by looking at the world, just as I can refute the “women only date jerks” proposition. It can’t be true that men only like dumb blondes, because I know smart brunettes who are married. It can’t be true that women only date jerks, because I observe nice guys who are happily partnered up.
And as to whether it’s misandrist to formulate the statements in that way: it could be. It’s certainly wrong; it encourages a false and misleading view of the world; it encourages women to externalize their own failures, and to start viewing men as The Enemy rather than as a collection of human beings who are going to vary wildly from individual to individual. It’s on the road to misandry, at least. Basically, yes, I think it’s a good parallel.
siduri said:
Actually, I view the letter writer as sympathetic, unreasonable (see my rebuttal to some of his views in a previous comment), and somewhat of an asshole (though I think his assholishness is specific to the context of the rant, and is probably not the source of his troubles with women).
That’s probably true.
Interesting. Perhaps the context of the complaint makes a difference: guys who rant about women to a female acquaintance might be different from guys who rant to male friends in discussions of relationships, or from guys who rant on the internet.
Very well, the Vincent quotes might not be relevant. The Herold & Milhausen study, and the quotes from Serano definitely are. If people who aren’t cis male are coming to some of the same conclusions as self-identified “nice guys,” then those conclusions should seem less exceptional, and shouldn’t get those guys so quickly tarred with the “Nice Guy(tm)” brush.
Obviously there is something going on that many self-identified “nice guys” are seeing, 56% of women are seeing, and Serano was seeing… yet for some reason, a certain segment of nerdy or feminist women aren’t seeing it, and I’m wondering why.
I’m glad that I managed to get it across.
Anyway, have I answered your question about my views of the letter? Where there any other big issues that we were talking about that are worth pursuing at this time?
Well, 56 percent in one survey, when other surveys framed in different ways come out with contradictory findings. I accept the finding as data, but not as such conclusive data that we can make confident assertions about what a majority of women believe. As you pointed out in one of your followups, these women seemed to be talking about two very different definitions of “nice guy,” where one definition basically meant weak and whiny. Weak and whiny is a turnoff, for sure.
I think we agree that what you described as the exchange-oriented script of female sexuality is a misleading way of looking at the world, and can lead genuinely nice guys into frustration. And I think we’ve located the source of our disagreement regarding the Nice Guy(TM) syndrome—we both think it exists, but our different experiences lead us to different estimates of how common it may be. And I’m apparently harsher in my judgments than you are, which is also a contributing factor. Is that a fair assessment?
I do want to thank you again for providing the link to the Herold survey. Even though I don’t accept it as fact, I do accept it as evidence, and I have modified my estimates on that basis. Like I said, going into this conversation I would have put the percentage of Nice Guys(TM) among self-reported “nice guys” at somewhere around 80 percent. Now I’m pegging it at somewhere between 40 to 60 percent.
Also, I wonder if it would help if you and Hugh clarified what each of you mean by behaving like a jerk.