I have been using this framework for a bit and I think I have found some important clues about some exile-manager-firefighter dynamics in myself. Although I’m just starting and I still have to clarify my next steps, I feel hopeful that this is the right direction.
There are some things which I would like to know more about. Feel free to answer any.
Which agent should the sympathetic listener be talking to? The manager, the exile, or both?
Assuming that one correctly identifies which thoughts (and ultimately, which situations) a manager deems dangerous, and that one successfully does cognitive defusion, to what extent is it feasible, in your opinion, to have the manager (the exile) update by just talking to them vs by experiencing the dangerous situation again but positively? To what extent is it possible that despite a sympathetic listener talks with the manager/exile, they still don’t update easily until they directly see some experiences which contradict what they believe? Which things make updating by talking/experiencing harder/easier?
Which agent should the sympathetic listener be talking to? The manager, the exile, or both?
First with any of the managers which might be protecting the exiles. Eventually they might give access to the exile, but it’s important to not try to rush through them. You only go to the exile after the managers have agreed to give you access to it: bypassing them risks causing damage because the managers had concerns which weren’t taken into account. (Self-Therapy has detailed instructions on this.) You might e.g. end up exposing an exile in a situation where you don’t have the resources to handle it, and then instead of healing the exile, you end up worsening the original trauma. That will also have the added effect of making your managers less likely to trust you with access to the exile again.
Though sometimes I’ve had exiles pop up pretty spontaneously, without needing to negotiate with managers. In those situations I’ve just assumed that all managers are fine with this, since there’s no sense of a resistance to contacting the exile. If that happens then it’s probably okay, but if it feels like any managers are getting in the way, then address their concerns as much as possible. (As the instructor said in an IFS training I did: “to go fast, you need to go slow”.)
IFS also recommends checking back with the managers after healing the exile, so that they can see that the exile is actually healed now and that they can behave differently in the future. Also, you may want to keep checking back with the exile for a while afterwards, to ensure that it’s really been healed.
Assuming that one correctly identifies which thoughts (and ultimately, which situations) a manager deems dangerous, and that one successfully does cognitive defusion, to what extent is it feasible, in your opinion, to have the manager (the exile) update by just talking to them vs by experiencing the dangerous situation again but positively?
Depends. I think that either are possible, but I don’t have a hard and fast rule: usually I’ve just gone with whatever felt more right. But I’d guess that in the situations where you can get parts to update just by talking to them, it’s in situations where you’ve already accumulated plenty of evidence about how things are, and the relevant parts just need to become aware of them. E.g. if you had some challenge which was very specifically about your childhood environment, then it shouldn’t be too hard to let your parts know that you’re no longer in that environment.
On the other hand, for some issues (e.g. social anxiety), the parts might have kept you from ever testing the safety of most situations. For instance, if you’re scared of talking to strangers, then you generally won’t be talking to strangers. And when you do, you will have parts screaming at you to get out of that situation, which makes it intrinsically unpleasant and won’t let you experience it as safe. In that case, you won’t actually have collected the evidence needed for making the update, so you need to first persuade the parts to agree that collecting it is sufficiently safe. Then you can go out and get it.
One of the skills here is an open minded flow of discussion between parts.
To get to an open minded discussion, the agents who are shutting down discussions need to form an agreement to discuss. That means no distraction, no sleepiness, no anxiety around the conversation.
This open discussion can be done for one part at a time or for the global, “discussions are safe” paradigm.
If “discussions are safe”, then it’s possible to ask the question, “what can’t we talk about?” and find content/parts there. (there’s still things I don’t need to talk about very much, but I have no problem with them and talking about them. For example I prefer to look in an optimistic direction and point my mind there but I have no problem digging up all the fears, doubts and discomforts if that’s needed)
Wow, this is all very interesting.
I have been using this framework for a bit and I think I have found some important clues about some exile-manager-firefighter dynamics in myself. Although I’m just starting and I still have to clarify my next steps, I feel hopeful that this is the right direction.
There are some things which I would like to know more about. Feel free to answer any.
Which agent should the sympathetic listener be talking to? The manager, the exile, or both?
Assuming that one correctly identifies which thoughts (and ultimately, which situations) a manager deems dangerous, and that one successfully does cognitive defusion, to what extent is it feasible, in your opinion, to have the manager (the exile) update by just talking to them vs by experiencing the dangerous situation again but positively? To what extent is it possible that despite a sympathetic listener talks with the manager/exile, they still don’t update easily until they directly see some experiences which contradict what they believe? Which things make updating by talking/experiencing harder/easier?
Glad to hear it’s been of use!
First with any of the managers which might be protecting the exiles. Eventually they might give access to the exile, but it’s important to not try to rush through them. You only go to the exile after the managers have agreed to give you access to it: bypassing them risks causing damage because the managers had concerns which weren’t taken into account. (Self-Therapy has detailed instructions on this.) You might e.g. end up exposing an exile in a situation where you don’t have the resources to handle it, and then instead of healing the exile, you end up worsening the original trauma. That will also have the added effect of making your managers less likely to trust you with access to the exile again.
Though sometimes I’ve had exiles pop up pretty spontaneously, without needing to negotiate with managers. In those situations I’ve just assumed that all managers are fine with this, since there’s no sense of a resistance to contacting the exile. If that happens then it’s probably okay, but if it feels like any managers are getting in the way, then address their concerns as much as possible. (As the instructor said in an IFS training I did: “to go fast, you need to go slow”.)
IFS also recommends checking back with the managers after healing the exile, so that they can see that the exile is actually healed now and that they can behave differently in the future. Also, you may want to keep checking back with the exile for a while afterwards, to ensure that it’s really been healed.
Depends. I think that either are possible, but I don’t have a hard and fast rule: usually I’ve just gone with whatever felt more right. But I’d guess that in the situations where you can get parts to update just by talking to them, it’s in situations where you’ve already accumulated plenty of evidence about how things are, and the relevant parts just need to become aware of them. E.g. if you had some challenge which was very specifically about your childhood environment, then it shouldn’t be too hard to let your parts know that you’re no longer in that environment.
On the other hand, for some issues (e.g. social anxiety), the parts might have kept you from ever testing the safety of most situations. For instance, if you’re scared of talking to strangers, then you generally won’t be talking to strangers. And when you do, you will have parts screaming at you to get out of that situation, which makes it intrinsically unpleasant and won’t let you experience it as safe. In that case, you won’t actually have collected the evidence needed for making the update, so you need to first persuade the parts to agree that collecting it is sufficiently safe. Then you can go out and get it.
One of the skills here is an open minded flow of discussion between parts.
To get to an open minded discussion, the agents who are shutting down discussions need to form an agreement to discuss. That means no distraction, no sleepiness, no anxiety around the conversation.
This open discussion can be done for one part at a time or for the global, “discussions are safe” paradigm.
If “discussions are safe”, then it’s possible to ask the question, “what can’t we talk about?” and find content/parts there. (there’s still things I don’t need to talk about very much, but I have no problem with them and talking about them. For example I prefer to look in an optimistic direction and point my mind there but I have no problem digging up all the fears, doubts and discomforts if that’s needed)
Thank you very much for the detailed reply! You answered all my questions.
I got the Self-Therapy audiobook after writing my comment. Looks great so far.