Another modality of relating introduced to me by a friend a couple of weeks ago is “what kind of experience do you take from this relation”. My friend has a quite idiosyncratic classification, but you could separate people you see between combinations of intellectual stimulation, sense of security, being cared for… In my mind this is quite orthogonal to other directions: whatever this relation holds for you, it might matter tremendously or very little.
The main use I have for this modality is to clarify what I am missing in my life. For example, when I feel lonely, I feel a discrepancy with my social situation: I have many friends, some really close who care about me and about whom I care. But when considering what experience I feel I am missing in my relationships, I can say that it’s attraction and passion for the other and sexual tension and action.
Another modality of relating introduced to me by a friend a couple of weeks ago is “what kind of experience do you take from this relation”. My friend has a quite idiosyncratic classification, but you could separate people you see between combinations of intellectual stimulation, sense of security, being cared for… In my mind this is quite orthogonal to other directions: whatever this relation holds for you, it might matter tremendously or very little.
The main use I have for this modality is to clarify what I am missing in my life. For example, when I feel lonely, I feel a discrepancy with my social situation: I have many friends, some really close who care about me and about whom I care. But when considering what experience I feel I am missing in my relationships, I can say that it’s attraction and passion for the other and sexual tension and action.
I like intellectual, emotional, and physical as buckets. Autonomy, competence, and connection make for a nice 3x3 cross.