Facebook birthday greetings have become all but meaningless now, since everyone knows no one has remembered and they’ve just followed the facebook notifications.
Previously, no one remembered them, they just followed their diary entries.
The key point of a birthday greeting is that it signals that you spent some effort on the relationship. That is the reason even expensive presents don’t neccessarily work—if they are easy to get and you can afford them: They don’t signal that you care.
That is the sad part of rationality: All too often it allows you to see the pattern of social interaction more than to feel it. If you communicate what you see you may hurt your kind or devalue your actions (“because you did it only for the purpose”). If you see the purpose you have to make extra detours to really care. You have to feel one level up. Nothing is ever easy.
I don’t think it’s that sad really. Whatever positive feelings I would gain by being less rational would probably be evened out or even overwhelmed by the negative ones.
If you communicate what you see you may hurt your kind or devalue your actions (“because you did it only for the purpose”). If you see the purpose you have to make extra detours to really care.
OTOH, if you don’t communicate what you see but do use it to optimize your interactions, knowing that such patterns exist can be very useful. (Communicating your knowledge of such patterns can have significant drawbacks as a way to obtain status, such as that which you listed above.)
That is indeed true and kind of a problem for me.
I was raised to be truthful by positive example and value truth highly. I formed a moral ideal of mutual truthfulness early. Towards people I trust I am very open and don’t hide/lie about my feelings or opinions. Toward strangers I don’t lie (I might for higher purposes) but may hide information for some personal advantage (but not if it only if it’s to the others advantage). Mutual truth and openness were a core part of my marriage. Some lack of sensitivity has often led to hurt due to this combination despite trying to be nice. Being truthful and open is part of my identity and reputation. I can’t just change it. And I don’t think that it is neccessary because such a reputation and consistency has their own advantages (via long-term signalling).
And on Facebook they friend those people, and look into Facebook regularly. I don’t think the dynamics of birthday-remembering have changed. Computers already made it easier before Facebook, and diaries before computers.
I should have been clearer, sorry. Facebook is less inconvenient on two non-trivial counts: there are other reasons to open it (whereas a birthday diary will only have information related to birthdays and similar stuff), and it records the birthdays without any effort on your part.
But Facebook all but completely eliminated the trivial inconvenience. I’m under the impression that using diaries for that purpose was at least an order of magnitude rarer than using Facebook is now (though I’m generalizing from one example).
Previously, no one remembered them, they just followed their diary entries.
The key point of a birthday greeting is that it signals that you spent some effort on the relationship. That is the reason even expensive presents don’t neccessarily work—if they are easy to get and you can afford them: They don’t signal that you care.
This description is probably true, but also so wrong it hurts.
That is the sad part of rationality: All too often it allows you to see the pattern of social interaction more than to feel it. If you communicate what you see you may hurt your kind or devalue your actions (“because you did it only for the purpose”). If you see the purpose you have to make extra detours to really care. You have to feel one level up. Nothing is ever easy.
I don’t think it’s that sad really. Whatever positive feelings I would gain by being less rational would probably be evened out or even overwhelmed by the negative ones.
No not that sad. Not sadder than being less rational of course. But not purely happy either.
OTOH, if you don’t communicate what you see but do use it to optimize your interactions, knowing that such patterns exist can be very useful. (Communicating your knowledge of such patterns can have significant drawbacks as a way to obtain status, such as that which you listed above.)
That is indeed true and kind of a problem for me. I was raised to be truthful by positive example and value truth highly. I formed a moral ideal of mutual truthfulness early. Towards people I trust I am very open and don’t hide/lie about my feelings or opinions. Toward strangers I don’t lie (I might for higher purposes) but may hide information for some personal advantage (but not if it only if it’s to the others advantage). Mutual truth and openness were a core part of my marriage. Some lack of sensitivity has often led to hurt due to this combination despite trying to be nice. Being truthful and open is part of my identity and reputation. I can’t just change it. And I don’t think that it is neccessary because such a reputation and consistency has their own advantages (via long-term signalling).
But they made those diary entries. And looked into the diary regularly to make sure they remembered.
And on Facebook they friend those people, and look into Facebook regularly. I don’t think the dynamics of birthday-remembering have changed. Computers already made it easier before Facebook, and diaries before computers.
I should have been clearer, sorry. Facebook is less inconvenient on two non-trivial counts: there are other reasons to open it (whereas a birthday diary will only have information related to birthdays and similar stuff), and it records the birthdays without any effort on your part.
Most of the greetings I’ve seen are so generic I wonder if they have apps to automate them too.
But Facebook all but completely eliminated the trivial inconvenience. I’m under the impression that using diaries for that purpose was at least an order of magnitude rarer than using Facebook is now (though I’m generalizing from one example).