Thank you for your kind words. Both being independent, and to an even greater degree, belonging to a group that cares about me, feel extremely distant. The latter often feels impossible. I can’t even clearly imagine what that would be like. When I try to, it seems stifling. I would have to care about them in turn! I would have to obey their group norms! And depressed-me sees only darkness and burden there, even though I have sometimes been around people and felt very good as a result—because depressed-me cannot remember or imagine feeling good at all, and doesn’t understand it. These mood swings are very frustrating, as they drastically modify my sense of what is real, and make me a less trustworthy person.
And yes, the fear of jobs is mostly about fear of doing things I’ve never done before. Same with college etc. It’s very hard for me to try new things.
Thank you for your kind words. Both being independent, and to an even greater degree, belonging to a group that cares about me, feel extremely distant. The latter often feels impossible. I can’t even clearly imagine what that would be like. When I try to, it seems stifling. I would have to care about them in turn! I would have to obey their group norms! And depressed-me sees only darkness and burden there, even though I have sometimes been around people and felt very good as a result—because depressed-me cannot remember or imagine feeling good at all, and doesn’t understand it. These mood swings are very frustrating, as they drastically modify my sense of what is real, and make me a less trustworthy person.
And yes, the fear of jobs is mostly about fear of doing things I’ve never done before. Same with college etc. It’s very hard for me to try new things.