Your intent seems unclear to me. The West has over the past couple hundred years loosened its restrictions on public speech regarding taboos—on atheism, racial&sexual equality, etc. This has surely caused many people mental pain.
Was this course of events then morally wrong?
Should the debaters of yore have made sure their opponents had learned ” the accompanying coping techniques — such as relaxation or imagery exercises” before proceeding towards our more pluralist world?
Libertarian white straight male here. “Our word” is the map, not the territory.
Everything is context and many people will fail miserably at using “nigger”, “queer” etc. in even marginally appropriate contexts. Moreover, probably >99% of the time whites/straights use the words they’re meant to be offensive. Which is all the more reason (for members of these groups) to avoid the use to avoid confusion.
However, that also includes members of said minorities who belive that from their merely being members of such groups they have rights or sensibilities others don’t. They don’t. It’s just that they’re pretty much guaranteed not to be denigrating their own group*.
So to me the issue is transparency. If I as a straight white male somehow could achieve the same level of transparency regarding my goals and intentions, I should be able to use such words just like black gays. My scheme allows for that; yours doesn’t.
Finally, many people take offence at “nigger” or “queer”, even when used by the in-groups. I feel pretty uncomfortable when you guys do that, so would you please stop it?**
ETA: would you yourself “use [“queer”] with carte blanche in all social situations”?
*: At least in the way of the original haters. **: Semi-tongue-in-cheek.