Or in the words of Sean Carroll’s Poetic Naturalism:
There are many ways of talking about the world.
All good ways of talking must be consistent with one another and with the world.
Our purposes in the moment determine the best way of talking.
A “way of talking” is a map, and “the world” is the territory.
Let’s apply some data to this!
I’ve been in two high-stakes bad-vibe situations. (In one of them, someone else initially got the bad vibes, but I know enough details to comment on it.) In both cases, asking around would have revealed the issue. However, in both cases the people who knew the problematic person well, had either a good impression of them, or a very bad impression of them. Because there’s a pattern where someone who’s problematic in some way is also charismatic, or good at making up for it in other ways, etc. So my very rough model of these situations is that there were a bunch of people you could have asked about them and gotten “looks fine” with 60% probability or “stay the fuck away” with 40% probability. If you have only have a few data points of this variety, you’d want to trust your vibes because false negatives can be very costly.
These mitigations would do nothing against a lot of real relationship failures. Imagine that everything goes swimmingly for the first year. Then you start to realize that even though everything your partner has been doing makes sense on the surface, if you step back and look at the big picture their actions tend to have the effect of separating you from your friends and blaming yourself for a lot of things, and it just doesn’t seem healthy. When you finally decide to break up, it’s an extremely painful process because: (i) your partner is better at weaving stories than you, and from their perspective you’re the problematic person (ii) your friends all know your partner, and they’ve made a good impression, (iii) you will continue to see them at social events, and (iv) even after all of this, you don’t think they ever purposefully acted maliciously toward you.