First of all, I want to express appreciation for your acknowledgment of how heartbreaking this situation has been and the suffering involved. This comment is a response to both of your comments.
As you’ve highlighted in your comments are reflective of your views—and not of my own. In some ways, it feels like you are putting a lot on me about what to do and what my views of sexual assault and punishment do or do not mean. I don’t think that’s intended. I sense that your goal here is to be reflective and helpful but it’s worth noting that my post was not a request for advice. There is also probably a way to address the points you are making that expresses your thoughts without making statements about what my experience is and is not which hits a nerve. Overall I didn’t experience your comments as distressing or the like, I’m just wanting to note those things. These are, of course, difficult conversations to navigate for anyone for obvious reasons as are many topics that are sensitive and emotionally charged.
And yes it’s obvious from my post that I do feel a crime has been committed by both my former partner and the organization (as you summarized.) It is unfortunate that neither he nor the organization has demonstrated a willingness to be accountable—but also not surprising cause “cults gonna cult.” I am not sure that I can change that and I definitely cannot change them if they aren’t interested in changing. I certainly cannot change all of “rape culture” though it would be nice if I could.
I do not think that what has happened is acceptable whatever else others may feel my statements and feelings reflect. I am also NOT just now realizing how bad or harmful it was as you’ve stated in your earlier comment. I’ve always known what I experienced was a big deal. There probably are some ways I minimized his responsibility and rationalized the abuse that was not healthy in the past in order to maintain the connection and in order to protect myself from feeling the full weight and devastation of the experience all at once. Processing that event and the accompanying complex dynamics and emotions has not happened all at once but in pieces over time with significant support. Getting to a place where one can both articulate a complex and traumatic experience let alone be emotionally stable enough and well enough to risk sharing publicly takes time—but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t aware of the seriousness of the incident back then. It’s likely that there are people who could not see what was happening to me internally or who are making many different assumptions about me and my experience based on the fact that I had a relationship with Alex after this incident. The assumptions others make are another thing I don’t have control over. I basically could use/have had to grow another layer of skin the past six months.
If I understand your comment correctly you put forward that the lack of accountability and punishment is a contributor to “rape culture”. I agree with that. You mention considering the impact on the world that “a lack of accountability” would have and I just want to say that I’ve probably more deeply considered this than most people have. I am not advocating for a lack of accountability—but I do care about my ex-partner as a human being.
In an ideal world, if either Alex or the MA were willing ( and I don’t get the sense that they are) my preference in this specific situation would be for accountability and healing to happen through financial compensation for harm, restoratives processes, organizational changes, education focused on addressing misconduct, the removal of the “spiritual teacher” from any position of power in the organization due to his ongoing history of negligence and abuse which many people have attempted to address for many years, and the person(s) who harmed me seeking professional rehabilitative and therapeutic support outside the organization. The behaviors described above and others I experienced with my ex-partner were abusive and/or were unhealthy and it was unhealthy for me to have a relationship with him in spite of these violations and the red flags I was seeing. In many ways Alex is also a beautiful person whom at times greatly inspired me, but like many people who perpetuate unhealthy patterns including abusive behaviors he has his own history of trauma and abuse he has experienced. He continues to participate those addictive patterns and unhealthy relationships through his involvement with the MA while believing himself to be pursuing liberation. I hope at some point he will pursue real therapuetic intervention and support instead of simply trying to meditate his problems away. I do believe there is a path to restoration and healing for my ex-partner and for those who were involved in covering it up if they choose to engage with accountability, restoration, and healing. I cannot make him or anyone else walk that path—and at this point it’s time for me heal from that relationship (which was a real mindfuck) and to examine what factors/behaviors in my own life contributed to my engagement in a dynamic that was clearly unhealthy for me after abuse had occurred.
When I think of “severe punishment” I think of prison time—and persons who’ve committed crimes being placed in often hostile and violent environments. Wanting a loved one to be accountable and to address harmful and abusive acts or patterns of behavior is very different from wanting maximum retribution or inflicting extreme suffering on another which I think rarely leads to deep inner change and healing for individuals, between people, and for communities. I think there is probably not a one size fits all solution for crime- and that there are experts in this field who have more insight than I do about how to address the systemic nature of these issues.
As it currently stands very few legal cases pressing for rape result in convictions—and the consequences and impacts of sexual assault undoubtedly fall disproportionality to victims. I am however not opposed to considering legal action—but I do haft to consider the costs, benefits/drawbacks, and impact that a trial might have on myself/others just as I consider the impact on myself and on other people who will be impacted when I write or engage in conversations in a public forum.
I am not looking to receive a sense of closure from message boards—and there are many ways that I’m actively engaged and supported in my recovery that go beyond this space. Trust me when I say I am taking care of myself as well as I know how to do. Seeking closure is not my purpose here—and while you may think it is advisable to simply disengage (and there may be a time and place for that) at my own discretion I have my reasons for continuing to write about this experience.
There is a lot of context in this situation that is not readily apparent to someone reading these posts and which when it comes to writing and reading “ain’t nobody got time for that”. Complex context and emotions make it more challenging for me to decide what to share and not share—and likely make it difficult for readers to fully understand the various emotions, motivations, and the perspective(s) that I do share.
I can tell you what is a primary motivator for me. In this situation, too many other people have been harmed and will be harmed in this particular environment (and if we are talking about sexual assault and rape in general that extends far beyond this environment)- and I have had multiple conversations with past residents who felt they “should have done more” or whom even tried to address various issues with the organization to prevent harm to others without success. Few people are willing to share their own stories though for a multitude of reasons—and that choice is up to them and it’s understandable why some people choose not to. That along with a stubborn determination to not be silenced, or to allow those who’ve mistreated me to benefit from my “distancing myself and moving on”. I do think that this experience has shown me the deep level of complicity many of us have had through our silence—and that is a pattern I wish to break from. I do not wish to be complicit in my own abuse or the abuse of others through my silence. However, “not unique” my experience it feels important to me to speak about it until I’m finished. I’m sure the man who assaulted me and the MA would LOVE for me to simply go away, disengage from these communities, and not speak about my experience because then they could simply deny it, let it blow over, and carry on with business as usual. As long as I am alive and they remain unaccountable I do not intend on making that easy. Only I can decide when, how, and if that’s what I want to do and what best serves me as you’ve already noted above.
First of all, I want to express appreciation for your acknowledgment of how heartbreaking this situation has been and the suffering involved. This comment is a response to both of your comments.
As you’ve highlighted in your comments are reflective of your views—and not of my own. In some ways, it feels like you are putting a lot on me about what to do and what my views of sexual assault and punishment do or do not mean. I don’t think that’s intended. I sense tha
tyour goal here is to be reflective and helpful but it’s worth noting that my post was not a request for advice. There is also probably a way to address the points you are making that expresses your thoughts without making statements about what my experience is and is not which hits a nerve. Overall I didn’t experience your comments as distressing or the like, I’m just wanting to note those things. These are, of course, difficult conversations to navigate for anyone for obvious reasons as are many topics that are sensitive and emotionally charged.And yes it’s obvious from my post that I do feel a crime has been committed by both my former partner and the organization (as you summarized.) It is unfortunate that neither he nor the organization has demonstrated a willingness to be accountable—but also not surprising cause “cults gonna cult.” I am not sure that I can change that and I definitely cannot change them if they aren’t interested in changing. I certainly cannot change all of “rape culture” though it would be nice if I could.
I do not think that what has happened is acceptable whatever else others may feel my statements and feelings reflect. I am also NOT just now realizing how bad or harmful it was as you’ve stated in your earlier comment. I’ve always known what I experienced was a big deal. There probably are some ways I minimized his responsibility and rationalized the abuse that was not healthy in the past in order to maintain the connection and in order to protect myself from feeling the full weight and devastation of the experience all at once. Processing that event and the accompanying complex dynamics and emotions has not happened all at once but in pieces over time with significant support. Getting to a place where one can both articulate a complex and traumatic experience let alone be emotionally stable enough and well enough to risk sharing publicly takes time—but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t aware of the seriousness of the incident back then. It’s likely that there are people who could not see what was happening to me internally or who are making many different assumptions about me and my experience based on the fact that I had a relationship with Alex after this incident. The assumptions others make are another thing I don’t have control over. I basically could use/have had to grow another layer of skin the past six months.
If I understand your comment correctly you put forward that the lack of accountability and punishment is a contributor to “rape culture”. I agree with that. You mention considering the impact on the world that “a lack of accountability” would have and I just want to say that I’ve probably more deeply considered this than most people have. I am not advocating for a lack of accountability—but I do care about my ex-partner as a human being.
In an ideal world, if either Alex or the MA were willing ( and I don’t get the sense that they are) my preference in this specific situation would be for accountability and healing to happen through financial compensation for harm, restoratives processes, organizational changes, education focused on addressing misconduct, the removal of the “spiritual teacher” from any position of power in the organization due to his ongoing history of negligence and abuse which many people have attempted to address for many years, and the person(s) who harmed me seeking professional rehabilitative and therapeutic support outside the organization. The behaviors described above and others I experienced with my ex-partner were abusive and/or were unhealthy and it was unhealthy for me to have a relationship with him in spite of these violations and the red flags I was seeing. In many ways Alex is also a beautiful person whom at times greatly inspired me, but like many people who perpetuate unhealthy patterns including abusive behaviors he has his own history of trauma and abuse he has experienced. He continues to participate those addictive patterns and unhealthy relationships through his involvement with the MA while believing himself to be pursuing liberation. I hope at some point he will pursue real therapuetic intervention and support instead of simply trying to meditate his problems away. I do believe there is a path to restoration and healing for my ex-partner and for those who were involved in covering it up if they choose to engage with accountability, restoration, and healing. I cannot make him or anyone else walk that path—and at this point it’s time for me heal from that relationship (which was a real mindfuck) and to examine what factors/behaviors in my own life contributed to my engagement in a dynamic that was clearly unhealthy for me after abuse had occurred.
When I think of “severe punishment” I think of prison time—and persons who’ve committed crimes being placed in often hostile and violent environments. Wanting a loved one to be accountable and to address harmful and abusive acts or patterns of behavior is very different from wanting maximum retribution or inflicting extreme suffering on another which I think rarely leads to deep inner change and healing for individuals, between people, and for communities. I think there is probably not a one size fits all solution for crime- and that there are experts in this field who have more insight than I do about how to address the systemic nature of these issues.
As it currently stands very few legal cases pressing for rape result in convictions—and the consequences and impacts of sexual assault undoubtedly fall disproportionality to victims. I am however not opposed to considering legal action—but I do haft to consider the costs, benefits/drawbacks, and impact that a trial might have on myself/others just as I consider the impact on myself and on other people who will be impacted when I write or engage in conversations in a public forum.
I am not looking to receive a sense of closure from message boards—and there are many ways that I’m actively engaged and supported in my recovery that go beyond this space. Trust me when I say I am taking care of myself as well as I know how to do. Seeking closure is not my purpose here—and while you may think it is advisable to simply disengage (and there may be a time and place for that) at my own discretion I have my reasons for continuing to write about this experience.
There is a lot of context in this situation that is not readily apparent to someone reading these posts and which when it comes to writing and reading “ain’t nobody got time for that”. Complex context and emotions make it more challenging for me to decide what to share and not share—and likely make it difficult for readers to fully understand the various emotions, motivations, and the perspective(s) that I do share.
I can tell you what is a primary motivator for me. In this situation, too many other people have been harmed and will be harmed in this particular environment (and if we are talking about sexual assault and rape in general that extends far beyond this environment)- and I have had multiple conversations with past residents who felt they “should have done more” or whom even tried to address various issues with the organization to prevent harm to others without success. Few people are willing to share their own stories though for a multitude of reasons—and that choice is up to them and it’s understandable why some people choose not to. That along with a stubborn determination to not be silenced, or to allow those who’ve mistreated me to benefit from my “distancing myself and moving on”. I do think that this experience has shown me the deep level of complicity many of us have had through our silence—and that is a pattern I wish to break from. I do not wish to be complicit in my own abuse or the abuse of others through my silence. However, “not unique” my experience it feels important to me to speak about it until I’m finished. I’m sure the man who assaulted me and the MA would LOVE for me to simply go away, disengage from these communities, and not speak about my experience because then they could simply deny it, let it blow over, and carry on with business as usual. As long as I am alive and they remain unaccountable I do not intend on making that easy. Only I can decide when, how, and if that’s what I want to do and what best serves me as you’ve already noted above.
Thanks for reading and engaging. Be well.