This is what I wanted to get at about your post. There are some people/some environments where I feel totally attached to (what I imagine) are people’s models of me. I’ve worried about my mom’s judgement for basically all my life. But she can’t know me entirely because as you rightly point out, she isn’t me — I’ve felt a lot of comfort in realizing that her model of me (and my model of her modeling me) is necessarily incomplete, and therefore can’t be eternally true. My worthiness isn’t dependent on her model. If it’s any consolation, having this feeling for the past short while hasn’t made me detached from what I generally think is her good judgement.
BUT, at the same time, my mom has been able to like take one look at me and totally figure out motivations that I couldn’t articulate beforehand. I don’t know myself entirely. There are some motivations which appear transparent to to others, and which I could reasonably say right now “I don’t feel”, but I actually might. Not saying this is true of most of the A-ful without B-things you’re feeling. And obviously people over-extend their heuristics. Still, I think this is the value of putting stock in other people’s models of you — different info from the outside. But variable levels of attachment seem to be the problem?
One thing worth noting is that I have an entanglement between [my defense of my self] and [my defense on behalf of all the Nevilles Longbottom out there].
Like, I have T O N S of evidence that my own “hey, HEY, you don’t speak for everybody, bucko!” has been deeply nourishing for lots and lots and lots of people in lots and lots of contexts; even if I were to solve this one completely such that I had no need for self-defense along this axis I would likely still want to push back against the roundings-off on behalf of all the other people who had not yet solved this one for themselves, and are constantly taking damage.
No doubt I can do both the [self defense] and the [other defense] more effectively, but fixing my own orientation is not enough because other people have broken orientations, and I want them to be okay, and allowed to exist in their own skin under the sun.
This is what I wanted to get at about your post. There are some people/some environments where I feel totally attached to (what I imagine) are people’s models of me. I’ve worried about my mom’s judgement for basically all my life. But she can’t know me entirely because as you rightly point out, she isn’t me — I’ve felt a lot of comfort in realizing that her model of me (and my model of her modeling me) is necessarily incomplete, and therefore can’t be eternally true. My worthiness isn’t dependent on her model. If it’s any consolation, having this feeling for the past short while hasn’t made me detached from what I generally think is her good judgement.
BUT, at the same time, my mom has been able to like take one look at me and totally figure out motivations that I couldn’t articulate beforehand. I don’t know myself entirely. There are some motivations which appear transparent to to others, and which I could reasonably say right now “I don’t feel”, but I actually might. Not saying this is true of most of the A-ful without B-things you’re feeling. And obviously people over-extend their heuristics. Still, I think this is the value of putting stock in other people’s models of you — different info from the outside. But variable levels of attachment seem to be the problem?
One thing worth noting is that I have an entanglement between [my defense of my self] and [my defense on behalf of all the Nevilles Longbottom out there].
Like, I have T O N S of evidence that my own “hey, HEY, you don’t speak for everybody, bucko!” has been deeply nourishing for lots and lots and lots of people in lots and lots of contexts; even if I were to solve this one completely such that I had no need for self-defense along this axis I would likely still want to push back against the roundings-off on behalf of all the other people who had not yet solved this one for themselves, and are constantly taking damage.
No doubt I can do both the [self defense] and the [other defense] more effectively, but fixing my own orientation is not enough because other people have broken orientations, and I want them to be okay, and allowed to exist in their own skin under the sun.