I think it’s fair to say that a lot of romance fiction is powered by the idea of a frightening man, even if, as you say, he has a good reason. I admit that this conclusion is the result of realizing that I don’t like the genre, and I think that’s the reason.
The thing I don’t understand in all these discussion is I know a fair number of men in long term—and sometimes happy—relationships. They aren’t high-display of masculinity guys, and yet, somehow they’ve hooked up with someone. How did they manage it?
Gone with the Wind is a hard thing to argue from. It’s an extraordinary book—very popular, but never duplicated. One of the things that drives it is that Scarlett is much more motivated by survival and status than the average female lead.
I just realized—it’s actually an example of a relatively rare sort of women’s fiction. Perfect guy shows up, but the woman is too busy to notice for most of the novel. The other examples I’ve got (Murder with Peacocks and Good in Bed), she’s distracted by a bunch of things going on in her life, but not by being in love with the wrong guy. In a normal novel, she’d realize she’s in love with him while he was still in love with her.
Also, it’s interesting that I’ve never heard anyone say that it was implausible for Scarlett to be fixated on Ashley.
Part of what makes these discussions messy is that the fantasies that hook the hindbrain aren’t necessarily what people want to live. There are a lot more men who like action movies than who’d like to be in violent fights.
The thing I don’t understand in all these discussion is I know a fair number of men in long term—and sometimes happy—relationships. They aren’t high-display of masculinity guys, and yet, somehow they’ve hooked up with someone. How did they manage it?
How old are they? Most people get married eventually. Furthermore, the older people get, the more they switch over to long-term mating strategies.
If you’re an average guy, eventually you’re going to “get lucky” and run into a woman who is into you. As people get older, more and more women get tired of bad boys and switch over to their long-term mating strategies (and in some cases, are looking for men to support them).
So our average guy will find a mate. The question is, how many years go by while he is only dating sporadically, while women (on average) are off having fun with the more masculine and exciting guys? When he finally does find someone, how much choice does he actually have? What is her level of attractiveness (in various areas) compared to his? Is she the “one” who is “right” for him, or is she simply the one woman who has shown interest in him in the past few years?
It seems that during youth, most people do some combination of short-term mating and attempted-but-aborted serial long-term relationships, until eventually they find a good match. People test-drive each other. According to the model I’m outlining, women concentrate their test driving towards men at the top, while men’s test driving
of women is more evenly distributed (though of course, still skewed).
As a result, men who aren’t flashy rides get disproportionately overlooked or cut out of the developmental test-driving stage, until with time women’s average preferences shift and they want something more dependable. I’ve heard men express frustration with this situation and ask, “if the kitten didn’t want me, do I want the cat?”
Sex differences in attraction is also important. For men, looks are relatively more important in attraction, while for women, behavior/personality is relatively more important. If you are a guy dating people you find attractive, they can still turn out to be good long-term mates for you. But for women, the guys you find most attractive during youth may have personality traits that exclude them from making good long-term mates. Of course, there is variation in women on this trait: for some, their ideal short-term mate and ideal long-term mate are the same guy. On average, the people who young women are sexually excited about are less likely to make good long-term mates than the people young men are excited about.
I think it’s fair to say that a lot of romance fiction is powered by the idea of a frightening man, even if, as you say, he has a good reason. I admit that this conclusion is the result of realizing that I don’t like the genre, and I think that’s the reason.
Given that there are so many subgenres of romance, I suspect we are talking about different ones. In the small sample of my wife’s books that I’ve read, the hero is never described as frightening to the heroine. Typically, he takes the form of an annoying rival who the heroine believes is overconfident or arrogant, someone whose goals are (superficially and initially) at odds with those of the heroine. (It then usually turns out that one or both characters have been operating on the basis of a mistaken impression about the other’s goals or character.)
But I have never seen fear described as a heroine’s reaction to anything except the villain, or her feelings for the hero. (Or more precisely, her anticipation of the problematic consequences of allowing her feelings for him to develop and be acted upon.)
Fear of the hero himself, or his actions, though? To my recollection, never happens in these genres.
Thanks for the information. I may have been over-influenced by the blurbs on paranormal romances.
And my take on “frightening” was that these are guys who any reasonable person with ordinary human abilities would find frightening, whether the heroine does or not.
The thing I don’t understand in all these discussion is I know a fair number of men in long term—and sometimes happy—relationships. They aren’t high-display of masculinity guys, and yet, somehow they’ve hooked up with someone. How did they manage it?
From the “Perception Lab” at St Andrews:
Women’s preferences for men’s facial masculinity are especially interesting, as there is great variation in preferences across individuals. These preferences have been demonstrated to vary with age, womens’ own self-rated attractiveness, and across different phases of their menstrual cycle.
Older women tend to prefer more feminine faces. Women in the infertile part of their fertility cycle tend to prefer more feminine faces. Women rating themselves as less attractive tend to prefer more feminine faces.
By the way, I don’t mean to imply that your guy friends in particular are in stable relationships because of these tendencies—I can think of many other reasons beyond the differing attractiveness of their faces, or their demeanour.
Part of what makes these discussions messy is that the fantasies that hook the hindbrain aren’t necessarily what people want to live. There are a lot more men who like action movies than who’d like to be in violent fights.
This deserves emphasis. Our instincts are not interested in our happiness. There is no reason to presume that those we are most attracted to will be the same as those who will be the most satisfying either in the long or short term. (Although it is certainly strong evidence to be considered as well as a direct contributor to that satisfaction.)
The thing I don’t understand in all these discussion is I know a fair number of men in long term—and sometimes happy—relationships. They aren’t high-display of masculinity guys, and yet,
Are these mostly older guys or more precisely guys in LTRs with older women?
The increase over the last 4 decades in female personal income has made the “beta good provider” male strategy less successful.
Also, some (e.g., the Man Who Is Thursday) say that the increase in female promiscuity has had a similar effect because (the thinking goes) once a woman has had sex with 1 or 2 extremely exciting men, she is less likely to settle for a LTR with a much less exciting one (and as long as she does not demand any sort of commitment from them, a woman using a “modern” sexual strategy will probably have sex with 1 or 2 extremely exciting men).
Although I have a relatively small circle of friends, even I have a friend of a friend, now in her 60s, who only ever had sex with one man (the father of her kids to which she is still married) and she was quite beautiful, grew up in the proverbial big city (Manhattan) and has and had no notable social handicaps.
Also, some (e.g., the Man Who Is Thursday) say that the increase in female promiscuity has had a similar effect because (the thinking goes) once a woman has had sex with 1 or 2 extremely exciting men, she is less likely to settle for a LTR with a much less exciting one (and as long as she does not demand any sort of commitment from them, a woman using a “modern” sexual strategy will probably have sex with 1 or 2 extremely exciting men).
If she doesn’t demand any sort of commitment from them, she can have sex with many more extremely exciting men than that, if she’s at all attractive. Even less attractive women can similarly easily have lots of sex and non-serious relationships with men who are far above what they can realistically expect to get for serious commitment, even if they won’t be extremely exciting by absolute standards, so the same principle applies.
There was a discussion of this issue on LW recently. If anyone’s interested, these are my thoughts on the subject, and here I comment on some relevant research.
I’m not sure what the typical age for starting the relationships was.
OK but note that my point is not that women get less choosy as they get older (though that is almost certainly true) but rather that it was easier for a man of average attractiveness to win the hand of a 30-year-old woman 30 or 40 years ago than it is today.
I think it’s fair to say that a lot of romance fiction is powered by the idea of a frightening man, even if, as you say, he has a good reason. I admit that this conclusion is the result of realizing that I don’t like the genre, and I think that’s the reason.
The thing I don’t understand in all these discussion is I know a fair number of men in long term—and sometimes happy—relationships. They aren’t high-display of masculinity guys, and yet, somehow they’ve hooked up with someone. How did they manage it?
Gone with the Wind is a hard thing to argue from. It’s an extraordinary book—very popular, but never duplicated. One of the things that drives it is that Scarlett is much more motivated by survival and status than the average female lead.
I just realized—it’s actually an example of a relatively rare sort of women’s fiction. Perfect guy shows up, but the woman is too busy to notice for most of the novel. The other examples I’ve got (Murder with Peacocks and Good in Bed), she’s distracted by a bunch of things going on in her life, but not by being in love with the wrong guy. In a normal novel, she’d realize she’s in love with him while he was still in love with her.
Also, it’s interesting that I’ve never heard anyone say that it was implausible for Scarlett to be fixated on Ashley.
Part of what makes these discussions messy is that the fantasies that hook the hindbrain aren’t necessarily what people want to live. There are a lot more men who like action movies than who’d like to be in violent fights.
How old are they? Most people get married eventually. Furthermore, the older people get, the more they switch over to long-term mating strategies.
If you’re an average guy, eventually you’re going to “get lucky” and run into a woman who is into you. As people get older, more and more women get tired of bad boys and switch over to their long-term mating strategies (and in some cases, are looking for men to support them).
So our average guy will find a mate. The question is, how many years go by while he is only dating sporadically, while women (on average) are off having fun with the more masculine and exciting guys? When he finally does find someone, how much choice does he actually have? What is her level of attractiveness (in various areas) compared to his? Is she the “one” who is “right” for him, or is she simply the one woman who has shown interest in him in the past few years?
It seems that during youth, most people do some combination of short-term mating and attempted-but-aborted serial long-term relationships, until eventually they find a good match. People test-drive each other. According to the model I’m outlining, women concentrate their test driving towards men at the top, while men’s test driving of women is more evenly distributed (though of course, still skewed).
As a result, men who aren’t flashy rides get disproportionately overlooked or cut out of the developmental test-driving stage, until with time women’s average preferences shift and they want something more dependable. I’ve heard men express frustration with this situation and ask, “if the kitten didn’t want me, do I want the cat?”
Sex differences in attraction is also important. For men, looks are relatively more important in attraction, while for women, behavior/personality is relatively more important. If you are a guy dating people you find attractive, they can still turn out to be good long-term mates for you. But for women, the guys you find most attractive during youth may have personality traits that exclude them from making good long-term mates. Of course, there is variation in women on this trait: for some, their ideal short-term mate and ideal long-term mate are the same guy. On average, the people who young women are sexually excited about are less likely to make good long-term mates than the people young men are excited about.
Given that there are so many subgenres of romance, I suspect we are talking about different ones. In the small sample of my wife’s books that I’ve read, the hero is never described as frightening to the heroine. Typically, he takes the form of an annoying rival who the heroine believes is overconfident or arrogant, someone whose goals are (superficially and initially) at odds with those of the heroine. (It then usually turns out that one or both characters have been operating on the basis of a mistaken impression about the other’s goals or character.)
But I have never seen fear described as a heroine’s reaction to anything except the villain, or her feelings for the hero. (Or more precisely, her anticipation of the problematic consequences of allowing her feelings for him to develop and be acted upon.)
Fear of the hero himself, or his actions, though? To my recollection, never happens in these genres.
Thanks for the information. I may have been over-influenced by the blurbs on paranormal romances.
And my take on “frightening” was that these are guys who any reasonable person with ordinary human abilities would find frightening, whether the heroine does or not.
From the “Perception Lab” at St Andrews:
Older women tend to prefer more feminine faces. Women in the infertile part of their fertility cycle tend to prefer more feminine faces. Women rating themselves as less attractive tend to prefer more feminine faces.
By the way, I don’t mean to imply that your guy friends in particular are in stable relationships because of these tendencies—I can think of many other reasons beyond the differing attractiveness of their faces, or their demeanour.
This deserves emphasis. Our instincts are not interested in our happiness. There is no reason to presume that those we are most attracted to will be the same as those who will be the most satisfying either in the long or short term. (Although it is certainly strong evidence to be considered as well as a direct contributor to that satisfaction.)
Are these mostly older guys or more precisely guys in LTRs with older women?
The increase over the last 4 decades in female personal income has made the “beta good provider” male strategy less successful.
Also, some (e.g., the Man Who Is Thursday) say that the increase in female promiscuity has had a similar effect because (the thinking goes) once a woman has had sex with 1 or 2 extremely exciting men, she is less likely to settle for a LTR with a much less exciting one (and as long as she does not demand any sort of commitment from them, a woman using a “modern” sexual strategy will probably have sex with 1 or 2 extremely exciting men).
Although I have a relatively small circle of friends, even I have a friend of a friend, now in her 60s, who only ever had sex with one man (the father of her kids to which she is still married) and she was quite beautiful, grew up in the proverbial big city (Manhattan) and has and had no notable social handicaps.
rhollerith_dot_com:
If she doesn’t demand any sort of commitment from them, she can have sex with many more extremely exciting men than that, if she’s at all attractive. Even less attractive women can similarly easily have lots of sex and non-serious relationships with men who are far above what they can realistically expect to get for serious commitment, even if they won’t be extremely exciting by absolute standards, so the same principle applies.
There was a discussion of this issue on LW recently. If anyone’s interested, these are my thoughts on the subject, and here I comment on some relevant research.
Most of my friends are around my own age, so both the men and the women are older than young.
I’m not sure what the typical age for starting the relationships was.
OK but note that my point is not that women get less choosy as they get older (though that is almost certainly true) but rather that it was easier for a man of average attractiveness to win the hand of a 30-year-old woman 30 or 40 years ago than it is today.