It is extremely common for people in our society to seek to overcome loneliness primarily through romantic connections. Why is that? It seems that friendship and family connections often “miss the spot” somehow. Why is that? I actually wonder if this is the true cause of loneliness.
If this is true (and I suspect it is), then the rest of the article kinda tries to solve a wrong problem, doesn’t it?
I mean, we get a lot of awesome advice for dating, but maybe the more relevant question here is: “why is dating your only strategy for overcoming loneliness?” And just like eternal self-improvement can miss the actual goal of dating, maybe eternal dating can just as much miss the actual goal of not feeling lonely? Okay, “lonely while dating” sounds like a contradiction in terms… but humans are weird...
there really is a certain game being played in dating, marriage, and sex, and it really matters whether that game is zero-sum or non-zero-sum.
Yes. Also, why is this the only game you are playing? Because that makes this question so horrifying. If (hypothetically speaking) sexual relationships are zero-sum, and they are also the only kind of human relationships that you have… then I guess it is quite obvious where the feelings of loneliness are coming from.
A similar argument could be made about novelty. You know what could be novel? To date some people… and to have some other kinds of interaction with some other people.
So, back to the original question: why do we feel like family and friends are “meh”, and the only way to overcome loneliness is to become good at dating and sex? (Why are “sex god” and “loner” the only options?)
Family, I get it, they probably live in another city, and you sometimes need physical proximity. Also, you can’t choose your family, and some people are less lucky about what the fate has provided them.
So, what exactly prevents us from creating and maintaining emotionally satisfying non-sexual friendships?
there are all these warm feelings bubbling up inside me and I feel like I might burst if I don’t do something, though it does now occur to me that it’s unhealthy if girls don’t know any way of expressing gratitude to boys besides kissing them.
So, what exactly prevents us from creating and maintaining emotionally satisfying non-sexual friendships?
It’s a good question. I don’t know the answer. But it does seem to me that there is a closeness that is in some romantic relationships that is very rare in friendships, even healthy loving long term friendships. So I do think there is something real that is actually difficult here.
I don’t know the answer either. Perhaps there is no single big reason behind this all, only dozen small influences that currently happen to push things in the same direction. Some ideas:
Maybe all human relationships are getting worse, sexual and non-sexual. Social networks and clickbait news make people spend more time online (less time for offline relationships) and encourage quarrels and mob behavior (so people actively unlearn the skills necessary for friendship).
Sexual revolution does not mean that people will stop judging you for your sexual life; it only means they will judge you differently. These days not having sex is a shameful behavior. Heck, having vanilla sex is already considered shameful.
Traditional society had a rule of thumb: if you approach a person of the same sex, you are interested in friendship; if you approach a person of the opposite sex, you are interested in dating. Acceptance of homosexuality made the situation more confusing (for the majority of population).
From the male perspective: Feminism actively discourages too much friendship between men (suspecting it of being a conspiracy against women).
Many friendships are formed at workplace. Changing jobs frequently means that these friendships will be short-lived. Long commute means that these friends do not live near you, so it is more difficult to do things together after work.
If this is true (and I suspect it is), then the rest of the article kinda tries to solve a wrong problem, doesn’t it?
I mean, we get a lot of awesome advice for dating, but maybe the more relevant question here is: “why is dating your only strategy for overcoming loneliness?” And just like eternal self-improvement can miss the actual goal of dating, maybe eternal dating can just as much miss the actual goal of not feeling lonely? Okay, “lonely while dating” sounds like a contradiction in terms… but humans are weird...
Yes. Also, why is this the only game you are playing? Because that makes this question so horrifying. If (hypothetically speaking) sexual relationships are zero-sum, and they are also the only kind of human relationships that you have… then I guess it is quite obvious where the feelings of loneliness are coming from.
A similar argument could be made about novelty. You know what could be novel? To date some people… and to have some other kinds of interaction with some other people.
So, back to the original question: why do we feel like family and friends are “meh”, and the only way to overcome loneliness is to become good at dating and sex? (Why are “sex god” and “loner” the only options?)
Family, I get it, they probably live in another city, and you sometimes need physical proximity. Also, you can’t choose your family, and some people are less lucky about what the fate has provided them.
So, what exactly prevents us from creating and maintaining emotionally satisfying non-sexual friendships?
Kinda related, HP:MoR last chapter:
It’s a good question. I don’t know the answer. But it does seem to me that there is a closeness that is in some romantic relationships that is very rare in friendships, even healthy loving long term friendships. So I do think there is something real that is actually difficult here.
I don’t know the answer either. Perhaps there is no single big reason behind this all, only dozen small influences that currently happen to push things in the same direction. Some ideas:
Maybe all human relationships are getting worse, sexual and non-sexual. Social networks and clickbait news make people spend more time online (less time for offline relationships) and encourage quarrels and mob behavior (so people actively unlearn the skills necessary for friendship).
Sexual revolution does not mean that people will stop judging you for your sexual life; it only means they will judge you differently. These days not having sex is a shameful behavior. Heck, having vanilla sex is already considered shameful.
Traditional society had a rule of thumb: if you approach a person of the same sex, you are interested in friendship; if you approach a person of the opposite sex, you are interested in dating. Acceptance of homosexuality made the situation more confusing (for the majority of population).
From the male perspective: Feminism actively discourages too much friendship between men (suspecting it of being a conspiracy against women).
Many friendships are formed at workplace. Changing jobs frequently means that these friendships will be short-lived. Long commute means that these friends do not live near you, so it is more difficult to do things together after work.