Cultivate social spontaneity. This one is hard to define, so I’ll give an example. I was waiting for a bus and a woman I’d never met before in an awesome homemade knitted cloak tottering along on crutches said she loved my jacket.
WARNING. If you’re male and you attempt to talk to a woman on public transportation, you may very well end up making her extremely uncomfortable. This xkcd comic triggered a major backlash.
If you do not have practice using social spontaneity to good effect it is ideal to try it in situations where the other party may both physically and socially escape, just as a general rule. On public transportation is not a physically escapable place to be.
Yes, what I used to do was yell greetings at random people on campus. Sometimes questionable propositions. Plenty of room for escape, especially when I’m sitting and they’re walking. I met several good friends that way.
ETA: “questionable propositions” here being things like “P=NP” or “multiple realizability is true”
Wait, seriously? Back when I was single I used to chat up girls on trains every chance I got. Never went anywhere, but never saw any signs of discomfort either.
I’m… extremely biased… but I can’t imagine getting the icky vibes from you that cause discomfort, even in a non-escapable space. You simply don’t come off as remotely scary.
It’s true. MBlume is the sort of person who could run up to someone while wearing a Nazi uniform, covered in blood, with swords in both hands, shouting about an imminent nuclear blast, all without coming off as threatening.
MBlume is the sort of person who could run up to someone while wearing a Nazi uniform, covered in blood, with swords in both hands, shouting about an imminent nuclear blast, all without coming off as threatening.
I’m… extremely biased… but I can definitely imagine getting the icky vibes from you, Steven, that cause discomfort, especially in a non-escapable space. You simply come across as really creepy.
Fortunately, this is one problem that I’ve had that I’ve almost completely managed to solve. (And in at least one case, outside observers agreed that it wasn’t my fault.)
I would guess that oliverbeatson is suggesting that other things being equal, a man with facial hair (at least of a certain type) will come across as more of a creepy stalker than one without. I have picked this idea up from friends as well.
If the facial hair idea is true, it makes MBlume’s non-threatingness (discussed elsewhere in the thread) all the more noteworthy given his facial hair handicap. Although maybe if MBlume combined the Nazi uniform with facial hair in the form of a Hitler mustache, he would appear threatening.
I’ll tentatively suggest that creepiness isn’t so much a matter of grooming (good, bad, non-standard, specific details) as an appearance of clinginess. It’s an impression that the creepy man wants to get too close too fast and won’t go away.
As I understand it, the “major backlash” was only from a few radical feminist sites, often coming from people who had their own issues such as PTSD, and is emphatically not representative of the way most people see the world. I’d advise someone dealing with social anxiety to practice talking to people in all sorts of situations and specifically not worry whether or not you make people uncomfortable.
A lot of social anxiety is just worrying that you might make someone uncomfortable, so I think this warning is actually harmful and counterproductive. The last thing someone struggling with talking to people needs is something else to worry about. In fact, one possible technique is to try to make people uncomfortable, just so you realize it’s not a big deal, and don’t build it up in your head as horrible.
WARNING. If you’re male and you attempt to talk to a woman on public transportation, you may very well end up making her extremely uncomfortable. This xkcd comic triggered a major backlash.
If you do not have practice using social spontaneity to good effect it is ideal to try it in situations where the other party may both physically and socially escape, just as a general rule. On public transportation is not a physically escapable place to be.
Yes, what I used to do was yell greetings at random people on campus. Sometimes questionable propositions. Plenty of room for escape, especially when I’m sitting and they’re walking. I met several good friends that way.
ETA: “questionable propositions” here being things like “P=NP” or “multiple realizability is true”
Which questionable propositions? Some strange things come to mind.
Wait, seriously? Back when I was single I used to chat up girls on trains every chance I got. Never went anywhere, but never saw any signs of discomfort either.
I’m… extremely biased… but I can’t imagine getting the icky vibes from you that cause discomfort, even in a non-escapable space. You simply don’t come off as remotely scary.
It’s true. MBlume is the sort of person who could run up to someone while wearing a Nazi uniform, covered in blood, with swords in both hands, shouting about an imminent nuclear blast, all without coming off as threatening.
It’s true. I’ve seen him do it.
I’m… extremely biased… but I can definitely imagine getting the icky vibes from you, Steven, that cause discomfort, especially in a non-escapable space. You simply come across as really creepy.
[Full disclosure: I am married to Steven.]
I have a horrible tendency to come across as a creepy stalker. :(
If I saw video of you I might be able to offer tips, but I can’t promise they’ll help.
Fortunately, this is one problem that I’ve had that I’ve almost completely managed to solve. (And in at least one case, outside observers agreed that it wasn’t my fault.)
I’m curious… how did you solve it?
Did it involve facial hair? Often does.
I don’t understand this post at all.
I would guess that oliverbeatson is suggesting that other things being equal, a man with facial hair (at least of a certain type) will come across as more of a creepy stalker than one without. I have picked this idea up from friends as well.
If the facial hair idea is true, it makes MBlume’s non-threatingness (discussed elsewhere in the thread) all the more noteworthy given his facial hair handicap. Although maybe if MBlume combined the Nazi uniform with facial hair in the form of a Hitler mustache, he would appear threatening.
I’ll tentatively suggest that creepiness isn’t so much a matter of grooming (good, bad, non-standard, specific details) as an appearance of clinginess. It’s an impression that the creepy man wants to get too close too fast and won’t go away.
This is not the same thing as being frightening.
As I understand it, the “major backlash” was only from a few radical feminist sites, often coming from people who had their own issues such as PTSD, and is emphatically not representative of the way most people see the world. I’d advise someone dealing with social anxiety to practice talking to people in all sorts of situations and specifically not worry whether or not you make people uncomfortable.
A lot of social anxiety is just worrying that you might make someone uncomfortable, so I think this warning is actually harmful and counterproductive. The last thing someone struggling with talking to people needs is something else to worry about. In fact, one possible technique is to try to make people uncomfortable, just so you realize it’s not a big deal, and don’t build it up in your head as horrible.
I don’t mind people talking to me on public transportation, as long as they immediately believe me when I say I’m not interested, and leave me alone.
The way you avoid negative outcomes or ill will in such situations is to only approach people who will appreciate being approached by you.
And how do you determine that? Um, implementation issue. Yeah.