Unfortunately, in a substantial segment of society if one were to apologize and admit the actual truth, his or her status in that segment would go way down, likely to zero, esp. if it goes against the prevailing mores of the group in question who would rather keep on believing the Big Lie vs. admit that it and they have been wrong.
Usually when I see such an apology, it isn’t directed at the in-group in question at all, but instead at the out-group who has been at odds with the in-group and is more receptive in principle to the said information. In that case it often has been perceived as an inauthentic, manipulative, and disingenuous attempt to garner sympathy and yes status from this new group, if not to troll them.
In other words, authentic apologies are only as good as the authenticity and honesty of the individual or audience that you are apologizing to. If they put little to no weight on such ideals your attempt at apologizing would be worse than useless.
I internalized the value to apologize proactively, sincerely, specifically and without any “but”. While I recommend it from a virtue ethics perspective, I’d urge starry-eyed green rationalists to be cautious. Here are some potential pitfalls:
- People may be confused by this type of apology and conclude that you are neurotic or insincere. Both can signal low status if you lack unambiguous status markers or aren’t otherwise effectively conveying high status. - If someone is an adversary (whether or not you know it), apologies can be weaponized. As a conscientious but sometimes off-putting aspie, I try to apologize for my frustration-inducing behaviors such as being intense, overly persistent and inappropriately blunt—no matter the suboptimal behavior of the other person(s) involved. In short, apology is an act of cooperation and people around you might be inclined to defect, so you must be careful.
I’ve been too naive on this front, possibly because some of the content I’ve found most inspirational comes from high status people (the Dalai Lama, Sam Harris, etc) and different rules apply (i.e. great apologies as counter-signaling). It’s still really good to develop these virtues; in this case, to learn how to be self-aware, accountable and courageously apologetic. But in some cases, it might be best to just write it in a journal rather than sharing it to your disadvantage.
Unfortunately, in a substantial segment of society if one were to apologize and admit the actual truth, his or her status in that segment would go way down, likely to zero, esp. if it goes against the prevailing mores of the group in question who would rather keep on believing the Big Lie vs. admit that it and they have been wrong.
Usually when I see such an apology, it isn’t directed at the in-group in question at all, but instead at the out-group who has been at odds with the in-group and is more receptive in principle to the said information. In that case it often has been perceived as an inauthentic, manipulative, and disingenuous attempt to garner sympathy and yes status from this new group, if not to troll them.
In other words, authentic apologies are only as good as the authenticity and honesty of the individual or audience that you are apologizing to. If they put little to no weight on such ideals your attempt at apologizing would be worse than useless.
+1
I internalized the value to apologize proactively, sincerely, specifically and without any “but”. While I recommend it from a virtue ethics perspective, I’d urge starry-eyed green rationalists to be cautious. Here are some potential pitfalls:
- People may be confused by this type of apology and conclude that you are neurotic or insincere. Both can signal low status if you lack unambiguous status markers or aren’t otherwise effectively conveying high status.
- If someone is an adversary (whether or not you know it), apologies can be weaponized. As a conscientious but sometimes off-putting aspie, I try to apologize for my frustration-inducing behaviors such as being intense, overly persistent and inappropriately blunt—no matter the suboptimal behavior of the other person(s) involved. In short, apology is an act of cooperation and people around you might be inclined to defect, so you must be careful.
I’ve been too naive on this front, possibly because some of the content I’ve found most inspirational comes from high status people (the Dalai Lama, Sam Harris, etc) and different rules apply (i.e. great apologies as counter-signaling). It’s still really good to develop these virtues; in this case, to learn how to be self-aware, accountable and courageously apologetic. But in some cases, it might be best to just write it in a journal rather than sharing it to your disadvantage.