The greatest source of suffering in my life in recent times has been the anxiety of waiting. Pretty objectively stressful things have happened to me over the last ~2 years but what causes far more suffering than anything else is the anxiety of anticipating the outcome of some uncertain event, where one of the possible outcomes is negative.
Earlier this year, I was job hunting. This involved at least the following periods of anxious waiting:
after receiving interest from a company I really liked, waiting to see if I would get an interview
after taking the interview, waiting for the hiring decision
after receiving the news that I would be hired, waiting for the right time to tell my current boss I’m quitting
The whole process has been a highly unpleasant roller coaster. To reiterate: the week leading up to telling my boss I’m quitting (which I just did an hour ago) was subjectively worse for me than the week my daughter barely survived an emergency c-section to be born two months premature.
I wonder if I am atypical in this regard. I do not think that I am, necessarily. The unpleasantness of an unpleasant event which is not anticipated is experienced, and then it is over. Anticipating a potentially unpleasant event, or unpleasant news, drags on and on, amplifying itself over time, draining one’s mental stamina, dominating one’s thoughts, depressing one’s mood, and making it very difficult to concentrate on day-to-day matters.
I believe these remarks to be apropos of a rationality discussion because I’ve made really irrational decisions lately as a consequence of this anxiety. Specific examples:
dragged my feet looking for a job because I didn’t want to be rejected
once I secured an interview, stopped looking for any other opportunities in order to shield myself from further anxiety about further interviews
told nearly all my co-workers that I would be leaving before telling my boss
Besides these major ones, I’m certain there were many more minor instances of doing the stupid thing because the intelligent thing was connected to the anxiety-inducing issue. This is basically an Ugh Field, but the concept of an Ugh Field is very general—I’m specifically concerned with Ugh Fields generated by uncertain future events.
( On a related note, I noticed a peculiar human tendency. Whenever I informed someone that I would be leaving my job but hadn’t yet informed my boss, they took it as an opportunity to dispense detailed advice on how to break it to him, often down to describing a rough script for me to follow. This was true whether or not the individual with whom I was sharing this information even knew my boss. My hand-waving evo psych explanation is that in the ancestral environment, when you know that two tribe members are going to have a critical conversation which affects the future of both parties, it is automatically an issue for the whole tribe. Hearing “Bob is going break some bad news to Bill” very quickly activates and brings to bear all available social circuitry, because everybody wants to make sure that you break the news correctly, presumably so that Bill doesn’t take some rash tribe-dooming action in response to the news.
At a certain point in this process I started reminding my friends and acquaintances that the content of my message, i.e. “I am quitting,” remains the same regardless of how I deliver it, and it is the content itself which is life-altering, so spending energy polishing the delivery of the message doesn’t really accomplish much. People would agree with me completely, and then continue giving advice on what I should say as if I hadn’t spoken. )
My question to LessWrong is, does anyone have generalized mental tools for dealing with the anxiety of anticipating uncertain future events? Techniques like Cog B comes to mind, but I don’t see how to implement such techniques in a generalized fashion.
Also, does anyone else share this problem, or am I actually odd?
Whenever I informed someone that I would be leaving my job but hadn’t yet informed my boss, they took it as an opportunity to dispense detailed advice on how to break it to him, often down to describing a rough script for me to follow.
Simpler explanation: many people will assume that if you tell them about something that sounds like a problem, you are looking for a solution. I think this is particularly true of men and engineers. It didn’t occur to me that people could be looking for anything else (e.g. emotional comfort) until I had this explicitly pointed out to me by my first female friend.
so spending energy polishing the delivery of the message doesn’t really accomplish much.
I think this is probably not true. Don’t doctors spend energy polishing the delivery of life-changing messages? In my experience, the content of what people say is usually the least important part, and I think this is still a useful heuristic even in situations where it seems like the content ought to be the dominant concern.
they took it as an opportunity to dispense detailed advice on how to break it to him, often down to describing a rough script for me to follow.
This kind of reaction would actually be helpful for me. Most of my anxieties (e.g., about talking to people) can be defused by thinking concretely (e.g., about how to phrase things, or about what their reactions might be). It’s possible your acquaintances who frustrated you with their advice were assuming your mind works like theirs, and were misguidedly but well-intentionedly trying to help.
does anyone have generalized mental tools for dealing with the anxiety of anticipating uncertain future events?
The first things that spring to mind are cognitive behavioral therapy with a competent trained professional, and medication. My understanding is that both of these have a statistically solid record of helping with this sort of problem. (The evidence for CBT without a professional is much less robust, but still looks goodish.)
Also, does anyone else share this problem, or am I actually odd?
My sister is similar. She’s had moderate success with CBT + medication, come to think of it.
Congrats on finding the job, by the way. That’s not easy, even without horrible anxiety problems.
The greatest source of suffering in my life in recent times has been the anxiety of waiting. Pretty objectively stressful things have happened to me over the last ~2 years but what causes far more suffering than anything else is the anxiety of anticipating the outcome of some uncertain event, where one of the possible outcomes is negative.
Earlier this year, I was job hunting. This involved at least the following periods of anxious waiting:
after receiving interest from a company I really liked, waiting to see if I would get an interview
after taking the interview, waiting for the hiring decision
after receiving the news that I would be hired, waiting for the right time to tell my current boss I’m quitting
The whole process has been a highly unpleasant roller coaster. To reiterate: the week leading up to telling my boss I’m quitting (which I just did an hour ago) was subjectively worse for me than the week my daughter barely survived an emergency c-section to be born two months premature.
I wonder if I am atypical in this regard. I do not think that I am, necessarily. The unpleasantness of an unpleasant event which is not anticipated is experienced, and then it is over. Anticipating a potentially unpleasant event, or unpleasant news, drags on and on, amplifying itself over time, draining one’s mental stamina, dominating one’s thoughts, depressing one’s mood, and making it very difficult to concentrate on day-to-day matters.
I believe these remarks to be apropos of a rationality discussion because I’ve made really irrational decisions lately as a consequence of this anxiety. Specific examples:
dragged my feet looking for a job because I didn’t want to be rejected
once I secured an interview, stopped looking for any other opportunities in order to shield myself from further anxiety about further interviews
told nearly all my co-workers that I would be leaving before telling my boss
Besides these major ones, I’m certain there were many more minor instances of doing the stupid thing because the intelligent thing was connected to the anxiety-inducing issue. This is basically an Ugh Field, but the concept of an Ugh Field is very general—I’m specifically concerned with Ugh Fields generated by uncertain future events.
( On a related note, I noticed a peculiar human tendency. Whenever I informed someone that I would be leaving my job but hadn’t yet informed my boss, they took it as an opportunity to dispense detailed advice on how to break it to him, often down to describing a rough script for me to follow. This was true whether or not the individual with whom I was sharing this information even knew my boss. My hand-waving evo psych explanation is that in the ancestral environment, when you know that two tribe members are going to have a critical conversation which affects the future of both parties, it is automatically an issue for the whole tribe. Hearing “Bob is going break some bad news to Bill” very quickly activates and brings to bear all available social circuitry, because everybody wants to make sure that you break the news correctly, presumably so that Bill doesn’t take some rash tribe-dooming action in response to the news.
At a certain point in this process I started reminding my friends and acquaintances that the content of my message, i.e. “I am quitting,” remains the same regardless of how I deliver it, and it is the content itself which is life-altering, so spending energy polishing the delivery of the message doesn’t really accomplish much. People would agree with me completely, and then continue giving advice on what I should say as if I hadn’t spoken. )
My question to LessWrong is, does anyone have generalized mental tools for dealing with the anxiety of anticipating uncertain future events? Techniques like Cog B comes to mind, but I don’t see how to implement such techniques in a generalized fashion.
Also, does anyone else share this problem, or am I actually odd?
Simpler explanation: many people will assume that if you tell them about something that sounds like a problem, you are looking for a solution. I think this is particularly true of men and engineers. It didn’t occur to me that people could be looking for anything else (e.g. emotional comfort) until I had this explicitly pointed out to me by my first female friend.
I think this is probably not true. Don’t doctors spend energy polishing the delivery of life-changing messages? In my experience, the content of what people say is usually the least important part, and I think this is still a useful heuristic even in situations where it seems like the content ought to be the dominant concern.
This kind of reaction would actually be helpful for me. Most of my anxieties (e.g., about talking to people) can be defused by thinking concretely (e.g., about how to phrase things, or about what their reactions might be). It’s possible your acquaintances who frustrated you with their advice were assuming your mind works like theirs, and were misguidedly but well-intentionedly trying to help.
The first things that spring to mind are cognitive behavioral therapy with a competent trained professional, and medication. My understanding is that both of these have a statistically solid record of helping with this sort of problem. (The evidence for CBT without a professional is much less robust, but still looks goodish.)
My sister is similar. She’s had moderate success with CBT + medication, come to think of it.
Congrats on finding the job, by the way. That’s not easy, even without horrible anxiety problems.
http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html